lighten the moment (2)

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and theonly solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several otherapplications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left avirus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2and Girlfriend 1.0 at the sametime, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other theycaused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this productsoon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use upall my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus andCleanhouse2008. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be veryunstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored inWife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced monthslater when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess whatthe problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiingShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle Express which needs to bereinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, itoften crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, whichcan't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could beproblems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money beforeuninstalling itself. Help requested please!

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed adistinct slow down in the ovrall performance, particularly in the Flowerand Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirableprograms such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've triedrunning Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, whichshould automatically install Guilt 3.0. f that application works asdesigned, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applicationsJewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the aboveapplication can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not asupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buyingadditional software to improve memory and performance. I personallyrecommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support