mike_the_dancer Forum Posts (4)

RE: Young guys into older women

As long as both of them are open and honest about what they want from the relationship, and neither party tries to coerce or exploit the other (usually the older person exploiting the younger, regardless of gender), it's not a problem. The problems begin when either side isn't honest with the other (as in any relationship).

I briefly went out with a woman much older than me. It was fun for both of us, but it was a fling for each of us, nothing more; our interests were too different, our goals too far apart.

RE: Being Open and Honest..

I agree with you, that it's best to show emotions, whether positive or negative. Last time we checked, we're not robots; our feelings are normal and natural, and concealing them unnecessarily just plain old feels WRONG. Why have emotions if we aren't supposed to share them?

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really don't mind who sees it. I find it makes my life so much easier to accept who I am, what I feel, what I want, what I need, and to share that openly. Relationships, be they with friends, family or lovers, depend on open, honest communication. Keeping things in is the surest way to allow good, desired behaviors to stop happening (without positive feedback, I'm not going to do something nice for you if it costs me time and effort; without positive feedback, I don't know you enjoy it!) and to allow undesired behaviors to continue (how many women hate it when a man leaves the toilet seat up? Nevermind how easy it would be for her to lift it for the guy . . .).

Refusing to communicate in a relationship is a sign of incredible weakness; you are showing that you have so little self-respect, so little trust in your partner, that you are afraid to let your feelings show. If you can't show me that you're hurting when you're upset or sad, how can you show me you are happy, or that you love me? How can I depend on you to be honest with me when you refuse to be honest with yourself?

So, to answer your question, I think you're 100% right to share your feelings. This is just one man's opinion, but it feels like it's the right answer, so I'm going to go with that both of us are right. :-)

RE: Why Are Good Men So Hard To Find??

I really don't think it is that hard to find good men, as long as you're reasonable about what you're looking for. Will you find a guy with Brad Pitt's body, Tom Hanks' winning personality, Aaron Sorkin's wit, and Tom Cruise's bank account? Of course not! Such a person doesn't really exist except in Fantasyland. I'll never find a woman with Rachel McAdams' body, Mira Furlan's personality, Paula Paulstone's wit, and Nicole Kidman's back account either, so we're even. :-)

A better question is, "What kind of man do you want?" Think about it carefully. What is most important to you? Figure out what your Must-Haves, Want-to-Haves, and It-Would-Be-Nice-Ifs are. Remember, there are no wrong answers: maybe you want a guy with a rock-hard body; maybe you want a guy with a high income (or earning potential); maybe you want a guy who's good with kids. Then look for men with that quality, and be forgiving if other areas are lacking.

Perhaps the guy who genuinely cares about you is 40 pounds overweight. Perhaps the guy with the great body spends three hours a day working out, no matter if you wanted to stay in and cuddle under the covers. Perhaps the guy who makes a lot of money works for 60 hours a week, buying you things but leaving you with no one to live your life with. That's life, everywhere but Hollywood, at least.

There's an old saying about obtaining something: whatever you want can be found quick, good, or cheap, pick any two. If you want it quick and good, it won't be cheap; if you want it good and cheap, it won't be quick; if you want it quick and cheap, it won't be good. That applies to relationships too. If you want to find your perfect man quickly, you're going to have to invest a lot of time, effort, and money to find him; if you want a good man without giving up much, it won't be quick; if you want a man quickly without giving up much, he won't be good.

I with you the best of luck in finding your perfect man, and I hope that he's everything you dream he can be. If you find him, let everyone know how you did it; I'd like to know how to find my Mrs. Right too. :-D

RE: Why do men run from a single parent?

When I first started dating as an adult, I didn't have a huge problem going out with a single mother. I went out with three of them over two years, and all three were tremendously negative experiences for me. My general rule on dating single mothers since is "Don't," for several reasons.

1) Many single mothers, from the ones I went out with to ones I meet now, have significant negative attitudes toward men. Other men have treated them poorly, but I am not one of those men. I do not deserve to be held responsible or accountable for actions I did not do or control.

2) Single mothers of young children (which is primarily what I encounter, since I'm 26) don't have the time or energy to do the kinds of activities I enjoy, nor do they always, or even often, have the resources to arrange for a sitter. Both of us deserve to be in a relationship where we participate to our mutual satisfaction.

3) I enjoy being romantic; cooking a nice dinner, lighting candles, long massages, cuddling for hours, things like that. Mothers don't give their full attention to my efforts, because the child either is present (or in another room) or she feels obligated to check up with the sitter. Being romantic isn't easy for most guys to pull off, but I try; it hurts when I don't even get a woman's full attention when I am trying to make her happy.

4) I never feel like I am a mother's first priority in a relationship. A mother's child is her child, and should be her priority. I am not her husband; I'm merely the guy she's dating. I've seen plenty of married mothers make time for their husbands, have their children make (appropriate) sacrifices for the husband: on an anniversary, the kids leave the adults alone; presents on events like birthdays and Christmas; celebrations for successes at work; and the like. I've never gotten such consideration, but was expected to make similar sacrifices of my own as part of the "package deal" with dating a single mother. Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street; every relationship involves give and take, but it only works if both parties do both equally, not if one partner is mostly "give" while the other is mostly "take."

5) Many single mothers have a double-standard when it comes to acceptance of the new person in the relationship. Single mothers almost exclusively expect the man to accept the child unconditionally (which is fair). But the mother makes little effort to compel the child to accept the new man. Yes, a man should try to develop a good, or at least cordial, relationship with the child (that's the adult thing to do, and hopefully the man is an adult while the kids clearly are not). But I have yet to see or hear of a woman make an effort to have the child accept the new man and be happy for mommy, or accept the new man as an authority figure in the relationship, when the relationship is starting, and that kills the relationship before it get get a good start.

I realize that much of my opinion on the matter is based on my own, and my friends' own, bad experiences with single mothers in the dating world. And by no means do I believe that all single mothers conform to what I have written; my views only reflect what I have experienced, and I have met only a tiny fraction of single mothers. I'll still talk to a single mother, get to know her, consider her for a relationship, but I remain aware of my concerns and won't start dating her right away. I am far more interested in a woman without kids, one with issues I am more capable of dealing with.

Single mothers aren't bad people; I was raised by one, and I turned out pretty well by just about any standard. I just haven't met a single mother I want to form a lasting romantic relationship with.