When I was a little girl attending elementary school I remember the disappointment when not being chosen to participate in activities. The teachers had their favourites and each day I would anticipate that I might perhaps be included in this special group. Of course that never happened and I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong with me. Growing up in foster care I was teased, "You don't have a mother or father, you are nobody" was a repeated taunt. In addition during physical education or recess where kids were allowed to choose members of their team, I was always the last to be chosen. I can recall like it was yesterday, raising my hand in class "Me, me, pick me!" This continued on through junior high school and high school as well. I was thinking about all this recently and how little my life has changed. A friend of mine suggested to me a couple of years ago that I go to a local club, she said it was a great place to meet people. I am not the clubbing or bar hopping type but I got up enough nerve to join a group to visit this club. My first impression was, nearly everyone was half my age. The men who ranged from early 20's to late 50's walked from table to table looking each of us up and down, it made me feel like I was at a meat market. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. Needless to say, I would not visit such a place again.
The experience with personal sites has been disappointing as well, men write to you, you write back and it seems like it is all a game as it is quite obvious there was really no interest at all, so why even initiate contact? I try really hard to maintain a mature level of self confidence, try to tell myself it is ok when I'm rejected time and time again. I grew up feeling like I was never good enough, and here I am decades later with that same feeling. When I created the poem "The Invisible Woman", I really don't think most people could relate. Recently I shared that poem with someone and they said, "It is such a sad poem" and then suggested that I needed to work on improving myself and therefor make changes in my life. What he didn't get is that the poem was not about me, it was about society and how so many people are overlooked, they are never going to be pretty enough, thin enough, young enough, smart enough, etc. So I have come to the conclusion that people like me will never be chosen. And I am very, very sad.
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