I am in the second episode, of a yet unspecifically diagnosed illness.....last episode was about four months duration. last summer/fall ...this one is nearing the end of my second month.....severe leg pain...diagnosed as sciatica, but there is no clear cause of it.....severe pain....much worse at night..when I try and lie down...sleep does not come due to pain or cramps....or when fleeting sleep comes..I waken to brutal leg cramps and pain....as I did tonight..when finally about 2am or so I fell asleep...woke less than a half hour later to severe pain...I have taken my pills and using my TENS machine...and heat and A535 and many many tears yet again.......
The pain, the sleeplessness...the altered ability to live one's life as normal....unable to work....unable to determine where the future is going.....feels like am in a mental vacuum......financial worries to maximum...and on and on......and trying to get through yet another night like this.....
Friends all try and call and say hi, how are you? But that wanes also....people are busy....and I wish I could say yes...am feeling so much better.....and truly there are some improvements but then BOOM a wicked night like this...when the pain is severe...and sleep is elusive....and fear looms.....fear of all the what ifs.......what if it's like this forever....what if friends and family tire and abandon....what if professional work once valued is no longer an option.....and what on earth is causing this...why can they not pin-point a specific cause and eradicate it.......
I am weary...beyond weary of pain...and sleeplessness....I no longer feel like I am myself.....am not sure who I am evolving into....but whatever the evolution is....I do not like it....scares me so much......
Am trying to keep positive...but nights....difficult painful...sleepless nights...are incredibly harsh....
I truly hope no one else has to go through anything like this....I would not wish this on anyone....
Thanks for reading my words......
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