How many of us do it every single day? Are we aware when others are watching us? I often delve deep into thought when on my own in various locations and I know that my facial expression becomes animated when I stumble upon a particularly awkward or entertaining thing. I forget perhaps someone is watching me, maybe wishing to switch seats or possibly wandering father from my location to avoid eye contact with the possible mentally ill on release.
Ever listened to anyone’s conversation? I do that too.
On the train back from home, to the city I currently dwell, I began my normal, free and harmless hobby of observing the people around me, discreetly of course. I’m not that kind of public transport weirdo. The lights are fluorescent, I check my make up in a compact mirror and grimace at my washed out, demonesque appearance.
Sitting directly across from me, a mid 20’s guy with a light beard, glasses, stylishly messed up hair and a rugby jersey. An ipod, an iphone, a book titled “Girl with the dragon tattoo” which I have heard of but can’t be arsed to read. His appearance spoke to me. I am a guy that follows trends, not so much so that I stand out too much, but so much so that I fit in and am seen to care about the currents in the modern world.
Next to him, another spectacled man, early 40’s, sallow skin, slim, salt and pepper hair, a gray sweater. Now the difference from appearing cool and being cool, sat directly across from me. Early 40’s dude, had a very good hair cut, very even teeth, a slight stubble, his attire was not supposed to be out there, but it was certainly bespoke. I imagined him maybe to be an architect, he seemed to be subtly fashionable and sought after, like granite counter tops in the kitchens of the upper middle class. Early 20’s dude, well it seemed to me he wants to be seen a bit, but not singled out. The previous IS cool, the latter, well he’s trying.
The table across the aisle, sat a family of almost Swedish looking blondes. A Daddy, a Mommy and a toddler. For all I know they could all be completely unrelated. Perhaps the baby was taking a trip to Dublin to catch a show, or do some banking. The babies name was Emily, not meaning to sound terrifyingly broody but she was absolutely adorable. Pointing out a “h-h-horse” and attempting her getaway by wobbling off her chair and running after a complete stranger whom she also called Daddy. The Mom had such a sparkling pride and love in her eyes, every time Emily spat out a word with some struggle, as her thoughts made their way from her little brain out her still fairly gummy mouth. Now, to be fair, the beaming Mom and the adorable Emily with her demands of “More banana and millllk” were a very beautiful, real life picture to behold but the Dad... He was frickin hot. Naturally he competed with Emily for my attention. He wasn’t Irish, perhaps he was even Swedish. Lightly tousled dirty blonde hair, tall with broad shoulders and a hearty, jovial laugh that echoed louder at his possible daughters exploits.
During all this time of my people watching I am trying to relieve symptoms of a pretty bad Summer Cold. I chew on menthol and eucalyptus lozenges, dab at my slightly runny nose with tissue, stifle a cough every now and again as if I leave them go to full velocity, I sound like a choked up, phlegmy engine. Then I hear another cough, from further down the carriage. We stop at a station half way, I see an elderly man with a tuft of wiry white hair in a long trench-coat, coughing in sync with the movement of his clinched fist that stood guard below his mouth.
CNTD in COMMENT.............. =)
I am having a fantastic week!
Hooking up with a cool phucker this weekend, after my birthday bash.
Really looking forward to it and although the sky is full of incredibly sullen looking gray clouds, I am smiling a lot.
I feel that perhaps, I'm going to have a great birthday weekend.
Plenty of booze with family Saturday night, date Sunday.
Cloud nine really.
I'm a simple creature to say the least, always have been and used to actually criticize myself for being unambitious and more or less content with my lot.
Just a super short blog to say there's plenty of reason to smile.
I can honestly say, that despite my lack of ambition and a rickety but fair upbringing, I have come out relatively unscathed. Thank the Lord for a great Daddy. (love ya The Tache)
I don’t have a furry notion of what I want to do with my life but in saying that, I tend to be a contented drifter. My mind is never void of thought. Some people are those who need to be kept busy, teetering from one thing to the next, always looking for something to occupy their minds as well as their life.
Now obviously, my small internet addiction is akin to looking for something to occupy my mind but moreso it’s a way of connecting with people and expressing myself.
Through recent events on this very site, I wonder if everyone that logs on here is perhaps seeking some form of escapism. Obviously we all have different reasons but from my observation, I see that some are here to meet the potential love of their life. Some are here merely to pass a few idle hours, chatting as they see fit. Others are here for more sinister reasons of which I am about to expand upon.
I have encountered so many diverse personalities that I am absolutely awestruck by the many different levels the human mind works on. Psychology never ceases to amaze me. I have always been a people watcher, or even online I pay attention to a persons use of language, their terminology, how they react to different topics. I like to see the mechanics and interact, debate, discuss. Then you encounter a person who’s mechanics work on an entirely different operating system. Cogs that turn to power a malicious intent. A type of individual, that I can safely say, I have never encountered before, in real life or online.
I am bringing this all up, as my previous naivety was slapped right out of me by the most surreal event of my internet life to date! I can honestly say, that I got repeatedly kicked in the WoHa with a steel toe-cap.
I wasn’t going to write about this, as I thought it would just be giving into online terrorism(yes, I am exaggerating. I’m Irish, we do this)! But I feel that there should be more awareness and vigilance.
The craziness of which I am referring to at first made me laugh, like I haven’t laughed in years but quickly soured when I saw what happens when the seed of doubt is planted. A person, of who’s identity I am unaware of, stole my picture, created a profile with same username but with an added T and began to harass some of my friends and a completely innocent party that then began to become convinced that I was the brainchild of this lunacy. It was at first very funny. I joked about it being my evil twin, I even went as far to show my Dad who just remarked that he had a few lovechildren up the country that were out for revenge. Then a person who was as much a victim in this as I was, became convinced that I was nasty and malicious enough to do this. I don’t really blame them, as to be fair, this internet crazy hijacked my online identity. But it really shook me to the core, how pathetic an individual could be, how pedantic and hate-filled a complete stranger could become.
I even felt a few of my very good friends from here shied away from me, as to not become a target of whomever this loony tune was.
CONTINUED IN COMMENT BELOW
A beautiful song that reminds me of overcoming the shittiness of relationships, video is listed at bottom too.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you (fave verse)
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
You keep me from sleeping and strengthen my will
The gates they are strong but they open for song I
have heardDo you ever happen to encounter a type of individual, who digs their own grave so willingly that you ponder if they ever want to live a prosperous life?
Of course I am speaking of the past weekends events.
I have found out, a guy (an ex) that I still regarded as being a sweet misunderstood person, is actually a pedantic liar.
Turns out, he spun such a gigantic woolly yarn about having a bad past, being in trouble, being hurt.
Then due to drunkeness, tells me it was lies?
Now partly my reason for finishing it with this very person, was due to my gut telling me something wasn’t right. At the time, I thought it was possible liver failure due to Heineken consumption but still I went with it.
So now I am very disillusioned about the kind of men I attract?
I am an honest, genuine girl, with a spectrum of crazy but at least all the colors are pretty!
I am all for the law of attraction. I try to put good out there.
Granted I am unambitious, lazy and expect my fate to knock on my front door and land in my lap……
But I am a lover of people. I love getting to know knew things, I crave new knowledge, new experience.
All I seem to do, is either fall for wannabe playas (I say that like I can pull it off) or entertain losers.
I wish it weren’t the truth as I am one of those very annoying people that always maintains we own our own mistakes.
I just can’t seem to break the mold.
I am going to say what I mean and mean what I say. Cosmic Forces, are you listening?!
I want love, affection, passion, laughter, prolonged intense sessions of hide the sausage (peek a boob) and someone who has my best interest at heart.
Failing that, a few beers, talking with someone who wants inside my head and pants, for the right reasons.
Right, Phew.
All done!
This is the kind of Love, I'm talking about.... (super soppy, eww)
I am of course, bored witless and after many hours of looking up funny videos, scrolling through profiles and in the interim bottle feeding a beastly hungry kitten, I have turned to blogging.
My mind seems to be teeming with activity. Static brained, loony tune alert.
There is however, a common denominator in this tyrannical traffic of thought.
I am starting to feel slightly uneasy in my own skin. Something of which, I am not too familiar with.
It doesn’t have to do with any other one person, or even a mass of people.
Now if you’re thinking “What a self indulgent whiny, whorey chestnut…” then I really don’t blame you. I am generally one of those annoying hyper active people, that you assume to be either on Uppers or just not all there.
Since I was around 4, when God didn’t answer my prayers by presenting a horse outside my bedroom window, I began philosophising. Sitting on a swing made of twisted bailer twine, legs crossed, scraped knees, an odd home haircut courtesy of myself, 4 year old Hessy began to break the world down. There were good people. There were bad. Somewhere in the middle, there were good people who sometimes did bad things. The further end of the spectrum were bad people who never wanted to do good. My summation was that I was always going to be a good person. In my over active mind, I conjured a life of school, being grown up, falling in love with a very handsome man resembling my Ken Doll. Although he’d be a fairly useless man if he had the same anatomy or rather lack of it as a Ken Doll. But 4 year old Hessy was not wise in the true way of the world, or was she aware that Ken was the oddest type of trans-something ever mass produced as a children’s toy. One does ponder what Barbie had seen in him all down through the years.
All was good and going well until the night of my 15th birthday. It was this very beautiful August evening, that I first encountered the only thing to remain constant in my life to this day. Heineken. Sacred, blessed Heineken. What a sucky calf I was! 6 bottles, in less than an hour. I could still walk and talk, but the feeling was so liberating. I had no worries, no angst, just sheer and utter confidence and a warmth in my cheeks like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I didn’t puke, I never do. I think I purge myself when my head gets filled up and I have to write something, anything, even if it’s just random sentence after sentence (don’t you dare say, like now). It was this very night, that a long haired, guitar playing, joint smoking adolescent had his wicked way with me. It was very consensual, I was drunk and fearless.
It lasted exactly the length of the song that was playing, Coldplay’s yellow. It was unpleasant and I passed out asleep, a drunken, dead slumber.
I don’t think 4 year old Hessy would have foreseen such a torrid affair.
That relationship ended, then two more L.T.R's ensued. I had kissed others, lied, told selective, self-serving truths. I was too young, obviously but although a lot was done to me, I’d be untrue to the Hessy I am today to say that I was a victim. I was not, everything I did, I got back three fold. Unfortunately, I’ve found that I seem to be keep Karma as my constant bedfellow.
So then, I made a promise that I would always be honest and tell the truth and that I would be myself for myself and that this is what good people do. The good people long ago categorized by an almost mullet headed little girl.
It’s what I have been doing for the past year. But lately, I seem to think that being me isn’t appealing to others. I am sociable, smart, affectionate, loud and proud. None of these things are contrived, I am not pretentious. I’ll be the first to admit, I am incredibly un-ambitious and the most unrealistic realist there ever was. Oxymoron? I doth define it.
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