Wow!....... alot has changed for me and my life. I have matured in a completley new level, i never saw coming. I see life in such a different way now.
I feel changed..... But in a better way. I'm living my life with better choices, and i am able to control my most hardest weaknesses.
I almost feel like a whole new person, and it feels awsum! Now...for the first time in my life, i am confident to move on from my imbarressing, sad and horrible past. I have finally found the mentle strength to leave it all behind, and be absolutly fine with that.
I am ready more than ever to be in another relationship with a guy, and i'll waiting for him. I'm so excited about my future now, and i cant wait! :)
Every morning, my alarm rings, i wake-up,... have a hot shower, get ready,... catch the bus to my corse, and after the day has finished, i catch the long bus ride home agen. Everyday that goes by, is like a constant routine i'm in, almost like a movie stuck in a loop.
I have my moments where my mind escapes away for a second, movement around me fades, every sound i hear around me dies, and as i turn to a look outside through the window, i discover the world moving, everyone living their lives, and sometimes it hits the emotions in me... im here, im alive,...but im not living. I'm alone,... my heart starts to weaken, and i feel my tears start to scream, but i swallow hard refusing to let them out.... I am concerned for my future. I'm studing this corse to become a beauty specialist, I gaze at people working, but i start to wonder, where this will achly take me. If this is the right thing for me...I think of my 2 beautiful nephews, and my gorgeous neice... I see couples walking past holding hands, and i remember how it once felt to be inlove with someone,... you would die for... Is there anyone out ther for me?...is he waiting too?, or is it too late??...
I seem to be living my life with no direction, and no sense of purpose. No ultimate goal, and so i feel no excitment. I seem to be evolving all the time.. changing physically, emotionally and spiritually, trying to obtain strength for myself. My mind wonders through a million things everyday, as i struggle to consentrate on the current moments of my life.
I know there is something out there for me, that i have not grabbed ahold of yet. I know i cant be prepared for my future,and that thought eats at me inside, but i conceal my feelings from everyone i know. I still feel incomplete. But sometimes, i feel like i'm almost there......or am i?? My life is covered in question marks, i have been trying to to discover all my life.
Depression hits me every now and then, but i seem to be able to fight it alot better than i used to in the past. Im trying to make the most of what ive got, but i know that theres something better,... something more for me out there, and i know more than anything, that it's that something that i need...that will complete me, and my life. Life only seemes to get harder, as i grow older. But im fighting in this raging battle to just carry on,... no matter how much i wanna just quit, let go, and just give up on absolutly everything.
I'm waiting, i am here, and hopefully one day soon, i will have found that one amazing thing, that will make me whole. Then... i know i will be at my happiest, at my fullest, and at my strongest in every possible way.
This is the current moment of my life. "A constantly repetitive scene in a boring movie" You may, or may not understand anything i have said. But because i have knowone to share my feelings with, i have chosen to expose how i feel to those of you, who are reading this right now, and dont really know what my mind goes through.
Thankyou for everyone who has been there for me in the past, and in the present. I love every single one of you, and appreciate everything you have done for me. The most littlest things you have helped my with, has effected who i have become, and what i will be in the future.
Love Shayna
Being inlove with someone, is the most incredible feelings in the world. It's a feeling that can either help you, save you, or destroy you. It's a feeling every human being on earth should experience.
I am and will most probably always be inlove, with my ex boyfriend. I never knew what being inlove felt like, and to be honest i didnt really even know what it ment. We had been going out for afew months, until i felt it. It hit's you in the heart so hard, in the most intense, personal, most emotional moment you have together.That's when i knew i was inlove with him, and once youve caught it, it'll never let go, it'll never fade away. Me and my ex had been through ALOT.
At times it was so hard, and other times, we had the most amazing moments of our lives. There was times i felt like i was the most lukiest and happiest girl in the world. It's impossible to describe, because it's such a spiritual feeling. No relationships are ever easy, or are even ment to be. By going through hard times, helps you both learn and both become stronger together. We definitly grew stronger together, but eventually problems caught up with us, and sooner or later we lost the fight with reality. Things just wernt working out, and the more we tryed to push it away, the more it seemed to pull us down. It was effecting our relationship and eventually it was tearing us both apart... We had lost... Everything around us seemed to attack us, to try and destroy us. Then thats when it accured to me that it's obviously not ment to be.After 5 hard months it was over.
I hated accepting it, and even admitting it to myself. But i knew it all along. I guess the good thing from it all,is that we both learnt something out of it. To this day, i still sometimes cry at night, wishing i could take back all the shit that happened between us.Things around me remind me of him. My heart literally aches inside, and i know that i still love him. But however, weve had or journey.
You know who who u are, and all i want to say is that, no matter how much u dont wanna baleve it, or how much u try to deny it to urself, i still love u. I know we went throught alota bullshit, and things that we'll never forget, becoz it's affected and scared us.But ive caught the one thing that'll never leave me, even if i wanted it to. I miss you, love you and i still care about you. I always will. I'm not asking for you to take me back, or even ever talk to me again for the rest of your life, but you know what i'm saying is true.I'll always be here for you, for enything, no matter what. Unfortunatly thats what falling inlove does to you. I don't wanna date other guys or be with anyone else, but i know that i need to move on...
I'm still thinking of you.....
Love....
Shayna
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