Isreali meat ( Archived) (9)

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, "Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.
And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas.

The Israeli Workers Union
A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"So, you talk?" he asks.
"Yap," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" asks the man.
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. And pretty much, that's it."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never worked for Mossad!

An American an Indian and an Israeli go out for a meal. The waiter comes over and says I'm sorry but we have a Shortage of meat tonight could you order something else.

The American "whats a Shortage"???
The Indian "whats Meat"???
The Israeli "whats I'm Sorry"??

An Arab desperate for water was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little

old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I"m dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.
He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."