A Joke ............... (51)
sugar77: last time i told a joke on here i got in trouble..
i only know bad non pc ones...
i only know bad non pc ones...
yeah ive been banned several times for that sort of thing,,
just gunna bite me tongue now
Two men are sitting in a bar. Both are getting very drunk. Without warning one of the men throws up all over himself.
The man says "Unbelievable! My wife is going to kill me!".
The other guy at the bar says "Hey man, no worries. All you need to do is put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. Then when your wife asks what happened just tell her that a guy threw up on you and he gave you $10 to pay for the cleaning".
The men, happy with their plan, decide to stay and have even more drinks.
Eventually the man slides off the bar stoll and heads home. Of course his wife picks up on his drunken state and horrible appearance.
"You smell of booze and you've puked up all over yourself, you are soooo disgusting!", the woman shouts.
Trying carefully not to slur his speech the man says, "Honey. It's not what it looks like. I only had one drink, but this guy threw up all over me. The bum had obviously drank a few too many. He did say he was sorry, and he gave me ten dollars so I could take care of the cleaning bill. Just check out my shirt pocket."
The woman reaches into his shirt pocket and says, "But this is twenty dollars, not ten".
"Oh I forgot." says the man. "The man was so drunk he also pissed my trousers too".
The man says "Unbelievable! My wife is going to kill me!".
The other guy at the bar says "Hey man, no worries. All you need to do is put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. Then when your wife asks what happened just tell her that a guy threw up on you and he gave you $10 to pay for the cleaning".
The men, happy with their plan, decide to stay and have even more drinks.
Eventually the man slides off the bar stoll and heads home. Of course his wife picks up on his drunken state and horrible appearance.
"You smell of booze and you've puked up all over yourself, you are soooo disgusting!", the woman shouts.
Trying carefully not to slur his speech the man says, "Honey. It's not what it looks like. I only had one drink, but this guy threw up all over me. The bum had obviously drank a few too many. He did say he was sorry, and he gave me ten dollars so I could take care of the cleaning bill. Just check out my shirt pocket."
The woman reaches into his shirt pocket and says, "But this is twenty dollars, not ten".
"Oh I forgot." says the man. "The man was so drunk he also pissed my trousers too".
jim_dandy: yeah ive been banned several times for that sort of thing,,
just gunna bite me tongue now
just gunna bite me tongue now
Better off...A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Reynolds ,I have reviewed the case and have decided to give your wife $750 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," the man replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."
"That's very fair,your honour," the man replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
tell ya a joke a can of coke
pedro27: tell ya a joke a can of coke
not coke the drug silly, coca cola, i know that joke since i was 5 years old
the owner of a large company,called his vice-president Dave,into his office & said,"We're making some cutbacks,either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave said,"Barbara is my best worker,but Jack has a wife & kids.
next morning Barbara was the first to come in,so Dave said, "Barbara,I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
next morning Barbara was the first to come in,so Dave said, "Barbara,I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
pedro27: not coke the drug silly, coca cola, i know that joke since i was 5 years old
this is 4 sugar
doctor talkin to a patient
doctor: ive got some bad news and some worse news
patient: ok i can take
doctor: well the bad news is you've only got 24hrs to live
patient: ok so whats the worse news
doctor: i meant to tell u yesterday
doctor: ive got some bad news and some worse news
patient: ok i can take
doctor: well the bad news is you've only got 24hrs to live
patient: ok so whats the worse news
doctor: i meant to tell u yesterday
Howard Webb's kids have denied thier dad is a secret MUFC fan.
Eric, Ryan, Wayne, Cristiano all stated "He is totally unbiased"
Eric, Ryan, Wayne, Cristiano all stated "He is totally unbiased"
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Guy says to girl at bar...'Hey are you tired?''No, Why?' Because I've been running through your head all night?''Erm, No. I was wondering if the Rohypnol that I spiked your drink with earlier had kicked in yet...'
two men and a woman get stranded on a desert island and after a while they realise that there isn't going to be a rescue so they start doing what comes naturally and the two men take it in turns to do what comes naturally with the woman,
after a year or so the woman feeling guilty about doing what comes naturally with both men sadly kills herself.
both men are heartbroken and lonely without her but as they are still stranded on the island with no chance of rescue after a while they start to do what comes naturally ,
but after a few weeks they start to feel guilty and so
they bury her body again
after a year or so the woman feeling guilty about doing what comes naturally with both men sadly kills herself.
both men are heartbroken and lonely without her but as they are still stranded on the island with no chance of rescue after a while they start to do what comes naturally ,
but after a few weeks they start to feel guilty and so
they bury her body again
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are very stylish, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are very stylish, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
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The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!"
The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."