heaven and the pope (8)

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, that's origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock - It was the check for the Last Supper.

Forty travellers arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans
and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying:

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

GOD replies 'We are over our quota on travellers.

Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again.

'They've gone', he tells GOD.

'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the Pearly Gates'.

brilliant T

test his disciples. So he called all of them together and asked them to pick up two stones. All the desciples picked up small stones except for Judas, who picked up two big stones. Jesus then asked his desciples to throw the stones as far as possible. All the small stones went very far but Judas' stones fell very close. Jesus then said to his disciples, “That is your land.” So everybody got huge acres of land but Judas landed up with just a small portion. This made him very cross with Jesus.
Jesus then told his desciples to pick up two stones again. All the desciples picked up two big stones except for Judas, who picked small ones this time. Jesus then said, “That is your bread,” and the all the disciples got huge loafs of bread except for Judas. This made Judas even more angry.
Jesus then decided to test his desciples for a third time so he told them to pick up two stones. This time everybody picked up two medium-sized stones. Judus wanted to get even with Jesus, so he picked up one big stone and one small stone. Jesus then said, “Those are your balls.”