Question re: Step Families ( Archived) (5)

Just wondering whether anyone has had any terrible experiences with their SO's children.
If so, how did you manage to overcome the problem.

I recently separated from my SO after a 12 month relationship. It all started well until I altered SO's way of thinking regarding his daughters horrible treatment of him. They were spoiled, jealous, abusive when they didn't get what they wanted, and toxic to his emotional state. Aided by their BM who then claimed $300.00 per week for child support for the youngest (16). Our relationship fell to pieces because of the 25 years of mental strain he has been carrying around on his back. Instead of working towards a positive future that we could share, he was fixated on the fact that he lost his daughters to their mother who in turn had held an ongoing affair behind SO's back for 10 years WITH HIS OWN UNCLE. Altogether they played happy families and accepted what their mother had done but wouldn't accept me (because I didn't approve of their vindictive and horrid attitudes). He and I broke up 10 days ago when we had a huge argument. I feel like he has taken me on a scenic route through his private history of hell and has made absolutely no effort to fix the issues that burden him; no effort to heal the hate and pain.

One thing you have to accept, YOU can´t forcibly change the established dynamics within a "group", although the simple arrival of a new person will affect those dynamics.

If the dynamics are healthy, the newcommer is made welcomed the dynamics shift this way or that way to accommodate new person.

If the dynamics are toxic and the new person doesn´t work in "that sort of environment" it will for ever feel like pushing water up hill and when you least expect it there could be another "torrent" drenching you and draining you. AND that is even if your partner was to see eye to eye with how you see things... Because the "sabotaging" could come from "the rest of the peeps" in the toxic group.

Is this what you fancy for the rest of your life?

Is it not time to walk away knowing at least you tried?

Is it your responsibility to shoulder the heavy burden of a family who sound like they ALL need years of counselling?

Why not save "yourself", instead of trying to save "them"?

I couldn't have said it better. You may love him but he will always love his children first. I'm sorry you are in pain from this. As Eagle said, save yourself from this situation. You have proof that it's not going to change. Now it's time to make time for YOU...and without any guilt..

There will come a day when you will say to yourself what was I thinking. I lived through a nightmare such as this. A daughter running away with a boyfriend just out of prison gets pregnant with no where to go but back home. A son just about every other day sent home from school. Her daughter gets pregnant “again” with new boyfriend. Daughers ex boy friend (father of 1st) caught selling drugs within a certain distance from a school faced serious prison time. He decided to head over to another girlfriends he knocked up and blow his brains out. I could go on and on for pages but I won’t because at the end of the day it’s just an experience from the past and quite frankly it’s boring me this very moment to even think about it and continue.

Eaglewoman hit the nail on the head when she addressed your concerns. From my experience and what helped me move beyond all the dysfunction was there came a time when I said enough is enough. I wasn’t raised like that so why am I allowing myself to be a part of it? Ask yourself why? And when you discover your truth “pass go and collect $200”.