You're gonna LOVE these ( Archived) (5)

1. NUDITY
>
> I was driving with my three young children
one warm summer
> evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and
> waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling
from the shock, I
> heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't
> wearing a seat belt!"
>
> 2. OPINIONS>>
> On the first day of school, a first-grader
handed his teacher
> a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by
> this child are not necessarily those of his
parents."
>
> 3. KETCHUP
>
> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup
out of the jar.
> During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old
> daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come
to the phone to
> talk to you right now. She's hitting the
bottle."
>
> 4. MORE NUDITY
>
> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the
> women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into
> shrieks, wi th ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The
> little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter,
> haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
>
> 5. POLICE # 1
>
> While taking a routine vandalism report at
an elementary
> school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old.
> Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop?"
> "Yes," I answered and continued writing the
report. "My mother said
> if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?"
> "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she
> extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe?"
>
> 6. POLICE # 2
>
> It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front
> of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake,
> was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in
at me "Is that a dog
> you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied. Puzzled,
> the boy looked at me and then towards the back
of the van. Finally
> he said, "What'd he do?"
>
> 7. ELDERLY
>
> While working for an organization that
delivers lunches to
> elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my
> afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued
by the various
> appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and
> wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teet h
> soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage
> of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy
> will never believe this!"
>
> 8. DRESS-UP
>
> A little girl was watching her parents
dress for a party. When
> she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you
> shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that
> it always gives you a headache! the next
morning. "
>
>

9. DEATH
>
> While walking along the sidewalk in front
of his church, our
> minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
nearly made his collar
> wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his
playmates had found a
> dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should
be performed, they
> had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and
> made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was
> chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity
> intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said:
> "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the
Sonnn, and into the hole
> he goooes."
>
>
> 10. SCHOOL
>
> A little girl had just finished her first
week of school. "I'm
> just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I
> can't write and they won't let me talk!"
>
>
> 11. BIBLE
>
> A little boy opened the big family bible.
He was fascinated as
> he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of
> the Bible. He picked up the object and looked
at it. What he saw
> was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Mama,
> look what I found," the boy called out. "What
have you got there,
> dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I
> think it's Adam's underwear."
>

I needed that tonight!