Silly Monday Afternoon (16)
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Nice one Di 
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
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A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed
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Prof of maths sends wife text " Dear wife, your 54yrs old, you can nolonger satisfy my needs so when you get this I will be in a Motel with my 18yr old assistantant, I'm sorry I will be home late," Wife sends reply "Dear husband you are also 54 and by the time you get this I'll also be at motel with 18 yr old toyboy, you're a mathematician so you'll know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up!
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Happiest day of my life.
arrived at church, husband waiting at altar,
walked up the aisle
kissed him on the cheek, smiled........
Then closed the lid
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One day the pastor told the congregation that the church needed extra funds and asked them to consider putting a little extra into the collection box when it came round - whoever gave the most would be able to choose the next three hyms.
When the collection was counted the pastor noticed that somebody had put a $1000 bill in there. He asked who and a little old lady shyly piped up from the back that it was her. OK he said, would you like to choose your hymns?
Slowly, she made her way to the front, looked over the congregation and said "I'll take him and him and him"
When the collection was counted the pastor noticed that somebody had put a $1000 bill in there. He asked who and a little old lady shyly piped up from the back that it was her. OK he said, would you like to choose your hymns?
Slowly, she made her way to the front, looked over the congregation and said "I'll take him and him and him"
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I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Oh very nice thread! Thank you ladies.
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very good
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John, Julie, and Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote,
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote,
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Paul On The Beach
Paul was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me."
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO".
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?".
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD.., where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
Paul was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me."
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO".
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?".
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD.., where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
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He who laughs last thinks slowest!
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Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check
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Created: Aug 2007
Last Viewed: Apr 6
Last Commented: Aug 2007
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as glow worms are never glum
because how can you be grumpy
When sunshines out your bum