Post a Joke Here (18)
FAVORITE FRUITCAKE RECIPE
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
Bottle of whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
Bottle of whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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In August, 1975, three men were on their way to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by members of staff and, after thanking everyone, they sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank. However, none of the staff believed them. At first, they demanded ?5,000. The head cashier laughed at them, convinced it was a practical joke.
Considerably disheartened by this, the gang leader reduced his demand to ?500, then to ?50 and ultimately to 50 pence. By this stage the cashier could barely control herself for laughter.
Then one of the would-be robbers jumped over the counter and fell awkwardly on the floor, clutching at his ankle. The other two made their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors (again) on the way out!
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank. However, none of the staff believed them. At first, they demanded ?5,000. The head cashier laughed at them, convinced it was a practical joke.
Considerably disheartened by this, the gang leader reduced his demand to ?500, then to ?50 and ultimately to 50 pence. By this stage the cashier could barely control herself for laughter.
Then one of the would-be robbers jumped over the counter and fell awkwardly on the floor, clutching at his ankle. The other two made their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors (again) on the way out!
------ This thread is Archived ------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
------ This thread is Archived ------
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, Painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married.
She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.
Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline
to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in
a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, Painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married.
She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.
Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline
to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in
a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
------ This thread is Archived ------
Shymedoh: Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, Painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married.
She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.
Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline
to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in
a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, Painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married.
She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.
Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline
to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in
a daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
I love good golfing jokes. Well done!
------ This thread is Archived ------
Dusty45: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
Good one. Two brothers with low intelligence are having a conversation with other people.After a while one guy says to them." I give up you two are dumber than the police allows " and walks away.Revenge are thinking the two brothers and challenge a passerby." Who is dumber than the police allows huh ?
" My brother and me." ------ This thread is Archived ------
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really bleedin ugly," said the bloke..
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really bleedin ugly," said the bloke..
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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Glad to hear you liked the golfing joke hun.
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
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I can watch this one over and over.
Makes me laugh everytime.
Makes me laugh everytime.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Two friends meet up for a game of golf
john was a bit late so mark whent to the tee and got ready, finally john comes and has a strange look on his face, mark gets ready and drives his shot with a bad slice into the woods about 170yards down the fairway and john says what a driver and spits, mark looks at him and thinks hmmm is he making fun of me then they go and finish the hole john tees up and drives a good drive down the 450 yard hole, mark drives to and it is like on hole one a whicked slice and again john says what a driver and spits..
the same goes on for the next 5 holes until mark finally just explodes ans says, what the hell is this I drive like sheet and you spit and say what a driver!!!!!!
John looks at him in surprise and says sorry buddy but I didnt mean you, okey,look when I came here I parked and took my clubs out and as I was leaving to walk down to the tee when a huge black guy comes on a big cady and whent to a parking space so small that not even a mini would have fit in it.
I looked at him and sayd hey buddy you´l never fit that in such a small hole and smiled at him, he looked at me and sayd I bet I can and I sayd okey if you can I´l blow you.. man AND WHAT A DRIVER
john was a bit late so mark whent to the tee and got ready, finally john comes and has a strange look on his face, mark gets ready and drives his shot with a bad slice into the woods about 170yards down the fairway and john says what a driver and spits, mark looks at him and thinks hmmm is he making fun of me then they go and finish the hole john tees up and drives a good drive down the 450 yard hole, mark drives to and it is like on hole one a whicked slice and again john says what a driver and spits..
the same goes on for the next 5 holes until mark finally just explodes ans says, what the hell is this I drive like sheet and you spit and say what a driver!!!!!!
John looks at him in surprise and says sorry buddy but I didnt mean you, okey,look when I came here I parked and took my clubs out and as I was leaving to walk down to the tee when a huge black guy comes on a big cady and whent to a parking space so small that not even a mini would have fit in it.
I looked at him and sayd hey buddy you´l never fit that in such a small hole and smiled at him, he looked at me and sayd I bet I can and I sayd okey if you can I´l blow you.. man AND WHAT A DRIVER
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Try to get some rest
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
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A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
"Toilette pepper!"
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A Liberal Senator died and went to heaven. As he stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the Senator, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The Senator asked, "Where's George Bush's clock?"
"It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the Senator, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The Senator asked, "Where's George Bush's clock?"
"It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
------ This thread is Archived ------
A guy goes into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I bet you 100 I can take my right eye out of my head, wash it in a shot glass, and put it back into my head?"
The bartender says, "you're on!"
The guy takes out his right eye, washes it in a shot glass and puts it back into his head. He then collects his 100, and leaves the bar.
The guy returns to the bar shortly, sits down and says to the bartender, "I bet you another 100 I can take out my left eye, wash it in a shot glass, and put it back into my head?"
The bartender says you're on!"
The guy takes out his left eye, washes it in a shot glass and puts it back into his head.
The guy collects another 100 from the bartender, leaves the bar, only to return again shortly.
Now the guy says to the bartender, "Bartender, I will give you a chance to win all your money back, plus 100. I bet you 300 I can stand on the bar and peee in that shot glass down there on the end of the bar and not spill a drop?"
The bartender says, "you're on!"
The guy gets up on the bar and pees all over the bar. He does not get even one drop in the shot glass.
The bartender says, "HaHa, I won my money back!"
The guy says, "HaHaHa, the joke is on you! I just bet that man sitting there at the bar 600 that you would not let me get up on the bar and pee all over it!"
From, Willuman, thought you might enjoy, Dusty45.
The bartender says, "you're on!"
The guy takes out his right eye, washes it in a shot glass and puts it back into his head. He then collects his 100, and leaves the bar.
The guy returns to the bar shortly, sits down and says to the bartender, "I bet you another 100 I can take out my left eye, wash it in a shot glass, and put it back into my head?"
The bartender says you're on!"
The guy takes out his left eye, washes it in a shot glass and puts it back into his head.
The guy collects another 100 from the bartender, leaves the bar, only to return again shortly.
Now the guy says to the bartender, "Bartender, I will give you a chance to win all your money back, plus 100. I bet you 300 I can stand on the bar and peee in that shot glass down there on the end of the bar and not spill a drop?"
The bartender says, "you're on!"
The guy gets up on the bar and pees all over the bar. He does not get even one drop in the shot glass.
The bartender says, "HaHa, I won my money back!"
The guy says, "HaHaHa, the joke is on you! I just bet that man sitting there at the bar 600 that you would not let me get up on the bar and pee all over it!"
From, Willuman, thought you might enjoy, Dusty45.
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Created: Jan 2009
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- the way you look
- Ladies
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