> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man > opposite her was smiling at her. > She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned > into a grin, so she moved again. > The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man > burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man > arrested. > The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 > years old) what he had to say for himself. > The young man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When > the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. > She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are > coming and I grinned." > "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's > Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. > "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, > "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain > myself." > "BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a > > sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this > Accident', > I just lost it." > > "CASE DISMISSED!!"
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
>>> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road > hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The > night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he > could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly > coming towards him, and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and > without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only > to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on . >>> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a > curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. > Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no > where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with > terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched > or harmed him. >>> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, > so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and > out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the > horrible experience he had just had. >>> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying > and....wasn't drunk. >>> >>> Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark > and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. >>> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said > to the other... >>> >>> "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while >>> we were pushing it!!!!"
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman meet in a bar while traveling. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhhhh, that's nothing, laddies," said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister."
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
I also love NASCAR. And you did not list my fave driver of all time. But I voted for Dale, Sr. He was an awesome driver and a very nice man. I use to work the races here in New Hampshire and have met quite a few of the drivers.
nhcavegal Forum Posts (269)
RE: What song describes what you are LOOKING for
FRIENDS AND LOVERS-------GLORIA LORING AND CARL ANDERSON