Sometimes I feel trapped in my own emotions. There is someone screaming inside who wants to get out and bang her head against a wall until someone finally freaking listens to the problems the troubles the dilemma that eats at the soul. Most nights I just want to cry but I dare not show weakness. Not even to myself. Then the troubles would come even faster. And I have to be strong, or at least thought of as strong because that is what I want to be. STRONG! I will admit I am not as strong as I make myself out to be. Now don't get me wrong I am a strong person. But I am afraid of the one thing that will make my wall of emotions come crashing down. The wall that I have spent so long on creating to block out and deflect unwanted feelings. I cant handle the pain that is a direct result of the screaming coming through the walls. The fights with no cause. how much ......Criticism does the world think i can take? I am so sick of the ghost smiles, the fake hugs, and the plastic I love u's! what if i didnt say i forgive u because i knew u didnt mean I AM SORRY? what if i denied the sweet side of me? i could have embraced the mean side.
I am terrified of my other half. will i turn into pure fury just like him? do I keep my emotions bottled up inside so much that they will over spill one day? I would hate to be the cause of pain towards anyone. and if I one day let my manner go will I let it drown me? OR will I hurt the ones I love that are around me? If I refuse to let this fury loose will I be denying myself. Will I still be true to myself if I don't let that part of me out? would that make me fake? A poser? Could I walk around happily being half a person? not handling the waves of my emotions makes me scared that one day it will be overwhelming and someone, maybe even me, will get hurt. years of hurt turned in fury and maliciousness bottled up makes me terrified of myself. well I become like him? Fighting everyones word that does not agree with mine? hurting the people I love? I surely hope not. I try to be nice. I try to put the destructive side of me on the backburner and bring comfort and understanding where ever I go. I try so hard and it seems as if I do succeed in this. I am very true to my helping nature. I love to be there for people. I love the feeling that I get when I have given someone a way out or a sturdy shoulder to cry on. I LOVE BEING THE DEPENDABLE FRIEND who would never leave anyone astray (on purpose) but what about the otherside. the side I cant even figure out. Maybe the answer is faith. I am sure I have more that a mustard seed. but will that be enough?
Sometimes I think her biggest fear is being alone. The casted into a black pit of nothingness with no one to hold or be held by kind of alone that only makes you think of how you could have bettered yourself. The scary and upsetting alone that is perfect if you are suicidal. Don't worry shes not, but the loneliness makes her seek for companionship and compassion. She is an orphan. she has a family but she doesn't really fit in with them. I mean they love her and she loves them but they do not invite her into their separate worlds. maybe she would rather keep it that way. She knows what she is looking for is not within her family. What she does not know is that it is within herself. So she looks towards other people. Maybe that is why she is so unstable. Why she is so eager to please. She tries to make people like her and crave to be around her. This might be why some people see her as a great friend, a pushover, or an annoyance. Either way she is still lost.
At the moment she is walking around in her house restlessly, not really noticing her surroundings. She walks into her room towards the mirror dresser. She stares into the mirror seeing nothing. She stands there and stares.......and stares. As her image clears in the mirror she only sees a chocolate face with a full set of lips and big brown mocha eyes. Finally in these eyes she sees a spark. She gently touches the mirror, as if scared this miracle will go away, and whispers "Where have you been?".
So I tell her when she lost me. I was always here for her but she hasn't seen me for a while, well untill now. I tell her how I led her back to me. How long I have been waiting. I hope I never lose myself again because it is hell trying to get BACK!!!!!!
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