I know exactly what I want... He has been whispering to me for years. I want that life companion that makes me question everything I have ever experienced in life... I want to stop in my tracks, lose time, be breathless , speechless ...wondering how I got through life thus far without him. I want him to be match, my mentor, my apprentice as we fill the niches we have both sought all our lives for. I want to experience the inconsequential things in life with him, while experiencing everything I dared only to dream for.
It was recently said to me that I am the ideal single woman, and I believe that to be the essential truth... I have everything I wanted at my fingertips... a home I am happy in; a car that makes me smile to slip into; flowers that spring forth throughout the year to add colour; a job that challenges me; friends and family that should be the envy of others. My journey through life has taken me to some interesting places and it's yet to take me to more. Because although that man whispers to me... he is in my dreams ... he is entirely out of my reach. I might be unrealistic... because I have had some wonderful companions over time and others that were less than wonderful, but they had a time in my life...and they were my lessons to learn.
This great love of mine would bear the scars of his journeys in life... the life that was his before we met. And I could sense that unknown and thank it for allowing him to cross my path. As he ages, I learn to love every crease .... every imperfection, because they are essentially him. Without question, I love him.... and cannot imagine a time when he wasn't with me, nor would I wish to. As I wake every day smiling , sure in the knowledge that he is my star... and will always shine for me.
I had an interesting dinner guest tonight who asked me what has been a stand out experience in my life. I am used to asking others difficult questions; but rarely does someone catch me out. So I hesitated momentarily and said to him... I have been fortunate enough to have a few. I adore elephants and I got to meet them, feed them and ride one in Thailand.
In 2009 I could have reached out and touched a bison because I was so close to it. It was just magic.
Finally coming in contact with a sequioa fulfilled a childhood dream when I was about 32.
Each of us has interesting experiences, and you are never quite sure when your next experience may occur, so you should enjoy those moments and hold onto those memories, because there will be a day when you are sitting in your rocking chair reminiscing.
I adore reading; I love learning; I like travelling... what always astounds me is when I meet people who do not enjoy any of these things. People who have no desire to lose themselves in a book; no desire to learn anything new and no desire to see more of the world around us. AND I have met people like that on this site, they are happy with their lives just as they are.
I am not condemning their choices, rather I struggle to understand them, just as they struggle to understand mine. There was a time in my life that I was blissfully, domestically happy...but when I moved past that it was like walking into a kaleidoscope of colour and opportunity.
... except , it's not Sunday.
Sometimes you wake up smiling, the day seems brighter... there is nothing that can hang that little storm cloud over you. Amidst the hustle and bustle of your work day, you just can't seem to get the smile off your face. AND why would you want to?!
We often overlook the little things in life... As we succumb to our responsibilities, we should be remembering what we enjoyed on those lazy Summer afternoons when we were younger. Laughter, easy friendship... Just that sense that everything is going to be okay.
...my mind slips... I remember the moment... the touch. The moment is set to send tiny waves into my soul forever, to capture me ... to hold me. In this moment... I know I have met that soul mate that dreams are made of. Breathing... drowning in the sensations of touch... I am lost. And yet, acutely aware that this was never meant to be. The distance is too great, the challenges insurmountable ... and my fingers slowly trace themselves over a cross. The cross has lifeblood, it is warm beneath my fingers as I trace them slowly over it's outline ...over and over losing myself; it is everything that is before me, and everything that has been... and I long to know it's future is mine. Alas, I know it's not.
To regret means to have known something great and have lost it, but to lose it is too much for me. So rather than simply walk away, I take what is offered. An understanding, an intimacy... a memory that will be forever etched in my mind. In that brief moment in time, I will know love ... and lose love. The walls tighten around me as I seek to protect myself from the ensuing knowledge that this was but a moment , as rare as any moment is... fleeting... passing... but forever engraved in my memory.
Abagail Blog (53)