If you've ever heard a hyena being tickled on acid, you know what my ex girlfriend Melinda's laugh sounded like. At our first dinner party I had to try hard not to throw my hand across her mouth and stop her from breathing at the first hint of someone's amusing anecdote or repartee as this would save everyone from instant terror at the sound that can escape her throat when she's entertained. Melinda's chilling screams of hell subside into a long wet lisp as the last of the air escapes from her lungs fleeing from itself - it's just unnatural.
There are aspects of my character I'm sure that are no different to Melinda's baleful wails of laughter and annoy my lovers no end.. My partners must surely struggle with my innate laziness and ridiculous contentment at doing absolutely nothing. Girlfriends of the past would most certainly have had difficulties with me wearing a favorite t-shirt into its fifth day of service without it being laundered. "Whaaat, it doesn't smell." There's no way they could have fully embraced my sleeping all day and being awake all night, forced into seeing each other on the rare occasion we needed to use the toilet at the same time or when we became slaves to our hormones every few days. Yep, I'm sure I have my own hellish scream that makes a relationship with me not entirely perfect.
Thank evolution for aging, though. One of the things I'm most grateful for in life is aging (even though it will surely be the death of me). It makes me a lot more accepting of my and other's quirks and peculiarities. Perhaps with experience I understand in the larger scheme of things what the truly important aspects of someone else is. It's not that she screeches like a banshee or she farts at the most inopportune moments, it's more substantial than that. I think it's really more about the substance of character for me, as apposed to a person's particular character traits, that make the other more or less acceptable. It's those fundamental building blocks that hold people up as individuals that I value so much more - your principles, your values, your ethics and your morals. And, well, if you do have a nice tush...... But even if you don't have a great tush, you screech like a banshee or laugh like a hyena being tickled on acid, this won't drive me away anymore as long as you have substance to your character. And I also hope you don't mind me sleeping all day, wearing the same shirt for a week and just being a simple man of simple means and simple interests. If you can accept that, I may even work on my tush.
Do we find it easier to accept things about others as we age? Are there things that come with age that make relationships easier? Is compromise in partners easier or harder for you with age?
I remember standing next to a middle aged man who was wearing stilettos, pink tights, a black bra, floral hat and holding a white umbrella one sunny afternoon as we waited to cross a busy city intersection. Surrounded by city dwellers in their more uniformed clothing, the fellow was humming to himself and had a smirk stretched across his face, he was seemingly oblivious to the looks of bemusement and disdain he was attracting from the commuters around him. I considered those standing at the corner with us and noticed how nobody else was smiling, actually they all looked quite glum and bored, and I wondered if this humming middle aged cross dresser new something the rest of us didn't.
Some years after standing next to the brolly twirling gay hummer I had the realization that I had little or no individuality myself, and so much worse than that, I wasn't being true to who I was. I worked at a boring repetitive job which I complained about constantly, lived in a small apartment like any number of hundreds around my area, wore a ten dollar collar and tie combination each day that I hated having to wear, and I was always talking about how I wanted to sell everything and take off traveling. I was always talking about it. I would always announce to everyone that "One day I'm going to sell everything and go traveling, do you hear?' And I never did. Until I did!!! Nearly ten years later I'm still out there doing it. And at closer to fifty than forty years of age I'm most always the oldest looking for a dorm bed.
Looking back, I wish I had had the courage to put my pink tights on sooner than I did, but society expectation had a firm grasp of me. For as long as I could remember I was promised by family, friends and society that if I worked hard, got married, bought a house, kept working, had kids, bought a car, kept working, invested wisely, kept working, bought an investment property, kept working, got the kids into a good school, kept working....... by the time I reached sixty five I could retire and then enjoy my leisure doing things I enjoyed - it would all be waiting for me at the end of my life. I declined the offer.
We all have a uniqueness and an individuality that screams to get out, I believe. Some lucky people are able to identify and embrace that from a young age (celebrate the next time you see a fourteen year old with bright blue hair), whereas others like myself are fearful of what people may think, or worry about not living up to others or societal expectations, or are concerned that they're too old now to live their dream and fulfill their personal wants, and quite often we just simply creat a myriad of excuses as to why we can't possibly do what we'd love to.
I now see things like this!! You have been given the very fortunate gift of one life to do as you wish with, and to waste that opportunity by not pursuing your dreams, chasing your desires, and at least trying fulfill your hopes, will reward you with nothing but regret in your rocking chair. And surely it is better to have the regret of something you did, rather than the regret of something you didn't. So put your pink tights on and cease the day.
I grew up in a traditional house hold where gender roles were concerned. My mother had her place in the kitchen, ironing room or laundry and the home was her domain where she enjoyed her position as carer of the family as it gave her purpose and rewarded her with pride, and to this day she maintains that being a home maker gave her a very happy life and she would have it no other way should she have her time again..
Dad was the bread winner and new his responsibilities to his wife, the house hold and his family. He worked for the same organization for forty years doing the same task day in and day out and rarely missed a day off work, because if you asked him, it was his responsibility as provider to do exactly that- provide!! And shirking his duty as the money earner was something that was never a consideration. I never saw my parents argue and the home was a secure a reliable place for me to be.
When I talk to people today whether they be prospective partners, friends or casual acquaintances about gender roles in the house hold or family unit, many are quite strident in their opinion that most all tasks should be shared by both partners in a marriage as this is the only fair and equitable position modern couples should take. But as a man I have to say there are particular tasks and duties that come more easily, or naturally, to me which I am better at performing, and then there are simple domestic tasks that challenge me no end. Honestly, if there were a disability benefit available for culinary ineptitude, I would be on full payment. It's as if my ancestral forefathers are channeling their will through my genes and demanding I burn, bludgeon or build something, but stay out of the kitchen!!!.
My view may not be popular, but I stand here before you knuckles dragging on the ground with a deer carcass slung over my shoulder and say this!! I believe we are naturally pre-disposed toward certain tasks and roles in our relationships and to demand otherwise on the pretext of "it's only fair" is going against our very nature and will only lead to confusion and unhappiness.
That's not to say of course that we shouldn't help our girls around the house (sorry fellas, I can't go that far) . I'm simply proposing that we men are hard wired to be the provider, and women the carer, and to fight that natural inclination won't make for happier husbands and wives.
I guess we all have the occasion to experience a wide range of social activities through interactions with different friends and family, and while some social functions are just a hoot to attend, others can be as enjoyable as sticking a knitting needle into your eyeball.
I know people who love getting together with a handful of friends for a quiet BBQ, and others who just HAVE to meet a friend at their favorite coffee shop "darling" everyday. One friend looks forward to her book club, the one social event of the month she cares to attend, and then there is another who if she finds herself left off a dinner party list, reacts as if her first born will be sold to a Ugandan circus.
For me it depends on who I want to socialize with at any particular time, or my mood. Peter, my dutch bar owner friend here in Ubud, for example,who sees far too much of me, is a great mate and host (as you'd imagine a bar owner would be) and should I want to be in his company, I must steel myself for the hours ahead of drinking cheap grog and mostly talking on frivolous subject matter such as "How many Indonesian family members and chickens CAN you actually fit on a 100cc step-through scooter" (we believe six people and 200 chickens is possible if the chickens are hatchlings, if you care) or "What actual part of doing nothing is so pleasurable." (We haven't quite got to the bottom of this but have planned to re-address the problem and more whiskey VERY soon)
One aspect of socializing that I've noticed dominating my time more and more recently is online socializing. A recent survey found 40 percent of Americans now prefer to socialize solely online, and as I say, I also find myself racking up an increasing amount of social hours engaged with almost anonymous friends online into the wee small hours (Increasingly with the riff raff on this site), and as a consequence have seen a change in my social behavior by not attending some events or occasions preferring to hang out online. (Peter the bar owner is in no danger of losing this regular customer, I should ad)
This awareness of my increased online social activity has had me thinking and asking a few questions of myself. And I'd like to ask them of you also.
1.What is your preferred way to socialize?
2.What percentage of your social time is spent online?
3.Have you noticed any change in your socializing habits and what were/are they?
Saint bernard sized hugs and sloppy kisses for any who take the time to answer my questions.
I've always thought if I were smarter and had more knowledge of things, including myself, this added understanding of the world and its relationship to me, or my reality, would make my world a far easier place to navigate, and as a consequence, I'd be happier.
It seems to me most all intelligent people I know appear to be more confident, content, settled, and they have a certain certainty about their life and what they're doing in it. They are more active, healthier, more interested in hobbies or interests and most importantly perhaps, their problem solving skills in life are more refined and as such they are more capable of warding off what might be to others, potentially devastating events.
Does higher intelligence bring with it a certainty of higher happiness?
JJ Cale died today at 74.
I remember sitting on the bonnets of cars drinking beer at the beach with chicks listening to Hey Babe, Money Talks, Cocaine and other songs of his in my late teens, thinking this was all that I needed in life.
Even now when I play JJ I reninisce of those days and others and just generally feel all laid back and easy going as his songs creep through me, relaxing my mind and body better than any massage or muscle relaxant could.
Thanks JJ.
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