We were having a deep discussion, this evening, about some of Hamilton's less desirable neighbourhoods. One driver decided it was a good time to complain about an establishment in Hamilton's "core" where men go to watch dirty movies and pleasure themselves.
Another driver, upon hearing this coomplaint, replied to the first, "Didn't I drive you there once?"
Well, I think it's probably because of something I forgot to put in my profile.... to all those lonely women who want me but are afraid to let me know....
I have always wanted to be a lumberjack in B.C. And to put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
I wear extremely expensive clothes, drive a BMW, skydive, bungee jump, scuba dive, hunt tigers and, and, do cartwheels by special request.
That last part was pure B.S.
So, I hope you realize, was the part before that, plagiarized from Monty Python.
I can operate power tools, drive a standard, change a lightbulb and say a few words in Hindi (like, kuch damm kum karenge). I once scored a hole in one... I think it was at a minigolf course in Virginia beach.
I also have an RRSP. (401k?)
The other night was quite amusing at the little community that has eveolved around one of Hamiton's favourite taxi stands. One of the drivers was hanging moons.
We have drivers from almost every conceivable ethnic background who have imparted a richness to the experience perhaps not equalled in any other area of Canadian life.
I am thinking of getting some kind of video recorder and using it to post select moments on YouTube or my own website.
I was having a conversation with one of the more erudite members of our community on Saturday when this, almost distraught, woman approached and interupted us.
She wanted to know if we had seen a red Jeep in the area recently.
I explained to her that we see thousands of cars in the area on a daily basis and it would be highly unlikely that we would notice any specific vehicle....
....unless there was a naked woman in the back seat.
She walked away spouting profanities. I could not be sure whether they were directed at myself, or the driver of the red Jeep she was looking for.
Yesterday, I was having a deeply philosophical discussion with another cab driver I know about two women who flagged me down at Hunter and Wellington.
I guess I made a remark about the ladies that was, uhm, ungenerous when the other guy said, "Well, what did you expect if you picked them up at Hunter and Wellington?"
Then we both laughed. Who, but a couple of cab drivers, would draw such conclusions about people based upon where we picked them up? OK, maybe cops. I remember the NYPD Blue Sipowitz character explaining something to his son about police work. All he said was, "People, places, the things they do, the times they do 'em."
Man, I love this city.
I was in line at the beer store yesterday (surprise!) when the girl at the register suddenly went running after some bum who tried to steal a two-four. She rescued the valuable product and continued her work.
When I got back to the car I noticed a grubby looking cyclist (lot's of those in my neighbourhood) covered in scabs and tattoos having a debate about the matter with another customer. I only caught a brief snippet where the scab guy said the beer store had insurance.
When I got back in the car my son, who had been listening to the debate, started to chuckle. He told me the scab/tattoo guy was defending the bum's actions on the grounds that the bum was only doing "what he had to do to survive."
Does this kind of thing only happen here in good ol' Hamtown? Man, sometimes I love this city!
Hmmmm, what should I write today? Oh, I just got text'd (texed? TX'd.... ???) These phones are amazing. A customer wanted to know if I am still working. Well, I've had a few beers so I'm definitely not working.
There once was a driver named Bruce,
Known for his fondness for juice,
He played the guitar,
and drove a black car,
and when he had change, some was loose.
I went to the beer store today. Some ahole left his car running in the parking lot with one of those hellish boom boom stereos shaking the ground and vibrating all the loose parts of his car. There was a lineup at the register so I occupied myself by studying the people in the line and asking myself whether I could spot the owner of the offending vehicle. I zeroed in on two suspiciouas looking characters.
I went about it this way. I asked myself, "If IQ were a valid measure of intelligence and, if appearance could reveal someting about IQ, who in this lineup would occupy the lowest quartile and will he(she)(they) get into that car when they leave?"
I am sorry to anyone who was forced to scroll through all 40 odd entries of my honest resume. You see, when I posted those items, I didn't realise they were going into a common blog pool. I thought they would show up somewhere in my profile section.
How about those Jay's ey?
Astrology - What the Stars Tell Us Today - by Joe Schlock
In this, the year of our lord, two-thousand, we still gaze in wonder at the firmament in pursuit of meaning and answers. To be, or not to be... looking at the stars... but that is not what this is about.
We are gathered here instead to determine what the future holds in store. For us. And that is why we often seek wisdom in the stars.
Having said that, it is necessary to point out that this essay does not attempt to answer all questions that all humans may trouble themselves with. It is rather an attempt to say nothing, but to say it with conviction, as though there were simple meaning hidden within the configuration of our reason. Wise men have toiled insatiably with this conundrum. Have they come to realization?
Only to the very wise can these thoughts seem complex. For in their complexity we find simplicity.... reality bearing with it many fruits. The universe abounds with motion... and space... vast vistas of vacuity sparsely populated with tiny morsels of information holding within their juxtaposition secrets for which man hungers.
It is within this discipline, quite by chance, that your humble host has discovered a proclivity for subliminal deduction... to wit.... the prediction of the future.
There will come a time, perhaps in the near future.... perhaps not.... when cataclysmic events shall occur. Some of these events will have a direct impact upon you, gentle reader. Look back and see to storm clouds receding. This is your time.
If you gaze upwards in wonder, you have taken the first step toward full self-comprehension. A new age is upon us. And with these utensils, we commend our hopes and dreams to the almighty. If it were done any other way, there could only be chaos, as the lunar landscape clearly opines. When order derives from these precepts, the chaos gives way to boundless spiritual conformity. But this is not to be lamented! NAY! Say I.... this is to be rejoiced! For we are the chosen derelicts of the cosmic embrace. Ours is not to render unto Caesar! Ours is not to render unto God! Ours is to hope, our breasts beating fluently that ancient rhythm.... that gas prices won't go up any more.
But they probably will.
If you get invited in for an interview be prepared. Try writing a list of questions you would like to ask and familiarize yourself with it. Some good questions might include but need not be limited to:
How much vacation do I get?
How long are the coffee breaks?
How much is the pay?
Are alcoholic beverages allowed on the job?
Do I have to bring my own pillow or are they supplied?
Are the chicks here good looking?
If you have long hair get a haircut for Pete's sake. Make sure the barber shaves most of your head down to the skin leaving only a few areas untouched to preserve that "splotchy" look.
If you really can't stand the thought of getting a haircut at least dye your hair green or purple or something.
If you are an American pretend you have some kind of disability. An easy one to fake would be Tourette's Syndrome. Every few minutes blurt out some insulting remark like, "eat shit" or something. Then apologize and tell them you have Tourette's Syndrome. This may scare them into hiring you in case you were to sue them later for not hiring you (ADA).
One indicator of extreme kewlness I observed just last summer involved guys going to a dance or nightclub carrying a workout towel. Most of the time they just left the towel wrapped around their necks with the open part at the front.
It always seems odd the way more than one person starts doing something no one ever thought of doing before..... like wearing a workout towel to a bar or a dance. Perhaps it is a way of stating for the benefit of the world at large that individuals so attired are in some important way part of some "IN" crowd.
It might be a good idea to carry a workout towel as well when looking for employment. In addition to demonstrating how kewl the wearer is it almost might suggest to potential employers that you have come prepared. After all, a workout towel could have numerous on-the-job applications such as:
Waiters, waitresses and bartenders can use them to wipe tables etc.
People employed in the health care delivery areas could use them to wipe noses and asses and clean up puke. After work they can go straight to a dance or nightclub fully prepared.
If these techniques don't seem to bear fruit at first keep on trying! Perseverance pays off.
Don't be afraid to lower your expectations somewhat. If you find you can't get that $60 thousand dollar a year job you had your sights on maybe you should aim for something somewhat more modest.
Consider opportunities in advertising or vacuum cleaner sales. There is always a demand for people who can wash dishes or cars, shovel slop on a pig farm or drive a taxi or deliver advertising materials. Some of these jobs can be very rewarding.
Give some thought to starting your own business if you think you have what it takes. Keep in mind that most small businesses don't last. Here are just a few ideas for excellent small businesses that can be started with next to zero start-up capital:
Sell flowers, chocolate bars, apples or pencils at the mall or on a street corner.
Find a grocery store that forces people to pay a quarter to obtain a shopping cart. After people have loaded their groceries into their vehicles offer to take their shopping carts back to the shopping cart coral. You keep the quarter.
Find a beer store and stand by the door. Open the door for customers coming and going. Have a paper cup handy.
Sell dope.
I had a job once where I would interview a random sampling of people to get information about their labour market participation. A number of respondents were welfare recipients.
One of the questions the respondents were asked was, "Have you done anything to find work in the last x weeks or so." Many of the respondents answered "No." If they answered "No," they would then be asked why not. Here are some of the reasons respondents gave for not seeking work. I have included some advice for circumventing these obstacles should any of these responses match your own thinking on the issue.
Answer: I don't have enough education.
Don't have enough education for what? To look for a job or to obtain a position in the upper reaches of the corporate hierarchy? God grant me the wisdom to know the difference it says in a well known prayer. Face it. If you can't program your digital watch it's unlikely you'll find work in the Management Information Systems division of some corporation. However, you ought to be able to wash dishes in a Chinese restaurant.
Don't know how to write a proper will or power of attorney? Then law is probably out of the question. Lower your sights a wee bit. Maybe you could learn to operate a spray gun and get a job in a car wash.
Answer: I have a bad back
So do millions of people who have jobs. Avoid seeking the kinds of jobs that require a strong back. If you have a bad back then working for a furniture moving company is probably a bad idea. Consider instead going into security work.
Answer: I don't have a car to get to the interviews.
Many people who don't have a job find they don't have a lot of other things. Like cars. Unless you have rich parents or benefactors you need to put the cart back in front of the horse. First you get the job. Then you buy a car.
Answer: I don't have cab fare to get to the interviews.
Try taking a bus.
Answer: I don't have bus fare.
Walk.
Answer: I don't have any shoes.
Try wrapping banana peels around your feet.
Answer: The last job I had was physically very hard. In order to ensure my body had enough fuel to keep up with the physical demands of the job I had to spend my entire paycheque on food. There was no money left over for anything else. (No, this did not come from one of the survey respondents, it came from an acquaintance of mine explaining why he had recently quit his job.)
That's just a pile of freaking bs and you know it.
Answer: I don't know where the jobs are.
There are thousands of job vacancies out there. You can find them listed in the classified section of your local newspaper, on the internet and posted in government employment centers. Here are just a few examples of the wonderful employment opportunities advertised:
Truck driver helper. Move furniture. $8 per hour.
Multi Level Marketing - Someone trying to sell you something pretends he is looking to hire you. If you buy whatever crap he's selling, like phone cards, or herbal supplements, or knives, or life insurance or internet advertising you turn around and try to sell the same shit to someone else by pretending you want to hire them.
Security guard (courier, pizza delivery driver etc) - car required - gas provided. You work for close to minimum wage but you have to drive your own car all over Hell's half acre to get to the job sites. You think you are getting paid but you aren't supposed to realize that the wear and tear you are putting on your vehicle will eventually consume most of your earnings.
I met a guy who told me he drove his own car for a courier company for $7.00 per hour. They would pay for his gas. He would put about 400 kilometers on his car in a shift. Estimating that it cost's roughly 40 cents a kilometer to operate a vehicle these days this job was costing him about $160 per shift so he could earn $56 back. After about three months the guy quit the courier job.
Then the bills starting rolling in for car repairs. He had to sink about $3000 into his car practically rebuilding it. If he worked at this job for three months (about twelve weeks) for $7 per hour for a 40 hour week he would have been earning about $280 per week (before taxes and other deductions) or about $3360 over the whole twelve weeks. Subtract the three grand he had to sink into auto repairs and he is left with a grand total of $360. Wow! All of that however would likely have been scooped up by the tax-man so this guy was quite literally working for nothing.
Even if he got to keep the $360 his actual hourly pay for twelve weeks works out to $360 divided by (twelve weeks times forty hours per week) equals $360 divided by 480 hours for a princely wage of $.75 (seventy five cents) per hour.Well, try to look at it this way.... think of all the bananas you can buy for your weekly thirty bucks!
autonomouse Blog (14)