A man walks into a pub, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's 'stuffed solid' with £10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it.He approaches the barman and asks, "Why is money in that jar???"....
"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Porche."
"You’re joking", says the man, not wanting to miss the opportunity !!!!!!, so he asks, "What are the three tests ???"
"You must pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman a £10 note which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the barman, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of whisky, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't pull a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back garden with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to show her what she’s been missing and give her one too !!!!!."
The man is stunned !!!! "I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it !!!!. You'd have to be mad to drink a whole bottle of whisky, then do those two other bizarre things, I won't do it !!!!!!".
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is, that was the deal !!!!!!!."
As time passes, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "OK, Where's the bloody whisky?? !!!!!!!!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't pull a face -- and he drinks it in just 58 seconds !!!!!!.
He stands up slowly, staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, –then suddenly silence, not a sound comes from the back.
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he appears in the door, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body !!!!!.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blonde's are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."
That’s all I needed!!!! ??????...I just got back home to find four Police Officers in my house looking for something, acting like lunatics!!!!! Even searching through my underwear drawers which was rather embarrassing!!! ????They checked under the air-conditioner and inside my bed mattress tearing it apart!! When I asked if they had a search warrant, they answered completely hysterically: "Where did you hide it?? We know it's here somewhere!!" Then I watched one of the Police officers look at his mobile phone and then he shouted: " Stop it! We are in the wrong house!!!! The Pokémon is next door!!!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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