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Still My Valentine

I had looked forward to this week
For once in my life
Because I had you to love me.
We planned it since we first met
And spoke of it often
Even on the last day I saw you.

You persuaded me to give you my heart
And made me believe it would be safe
That you would protect it as your own.
You told me you loved me
In so many ways
How could I doubt your sincerity?

I saw it in your eyes when you looked into mine
And in the sweetness of your smile.
I heard it in your laugh and
In the tone of your voice when you spoke to me.
I felt it in the way you held my hand
And in the strength of your embrace,
In the gentle way your fingers caressed my face
And most of all, in the tenderness of your kiss.
It was there in all we shared
Even the embarassing and nervous moments.
And it was there in so many things you said
Not least when you said "I love you."

It's been four weeks today since I last heard your voice
Yet I hear it in my head as if you were next me,
So close that I can nearly stroke your hair and feel its softness
In contrast to the roughness of your skin against my fingers.
And sometimes when I'm barely sleeping
I almost think I feel you lying next to me, reaching out to wrap me in your arms
And I think that you're not so far away
And that your heart is still with me.

I know some will say I'm a fool for continuing to believe in you
Or even to want you back considering what's passed.
I would agree that I'm a fool, but not for reasons they suppose.
I am a fool for not realizing the trust you had given me,
A fool for not cherishing and protecting the tenderness of your heart,
A fool for not being more sensitive to you,
A fool for losing sight of what really mattered;
A fool for hurting you.

And if I stopped believing in you now,
It would mean that I never should've believed in you at all
Because it would mean that I believed a lie.
And I know it wasn't a lie.
I know that it was genuine, the love that persuaded my heart to surrender
And if it was real then, it hasn't died
And is able to forgive an offense....and remember all that was good.

So on this special day remember
The magic moments
Of excitement and anticipation
Of fun and laughter
Of tender touches and warm embraces
Loving kisses and soft sighs
And the sweetness in surrendering to one another's love.

And if you remember you'll understand
That my heart is still held by just one man.
And I know that a part of your heart is still mine
That's why you are still my Valentine.

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Feb 2008
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Dance of the Hummingbird

Love came on hummingbird wings
Dancing jewel of light in the waning sun
Brave, defiant messenger of Spring
Mocking winter's stealth approach
Spinning magic threads of hope;
In whispered dreams she beckons, "come"
Bathe in laughter, joy and fun
Love's sweet nectar savoring.

Still spectre's bitter breath descended
Their dancing flight of joy is ended
As hope is quenched in dying embers
A fainting flutter bids their hearts "remember"

The courageous heart on fairy wings
Is still a fleet and fragile thing
And surrendering without a sound
Falls lifeless on the frozen ground.

In Native American animal lore, the medicine of the hummingbird is joy, happiness and love.

A few years back when I was much more connected to Native America, I gained a lot of insight from "animal medicine" and how the behavior of certain animals or their turning up in your life at certain times conveyed messages, gave direction or warning, or revealed something about your current situation or attitude. I've had a number of rather unusual experiences involving animals. One of the strangest occurred over the past 3 months.

Since living in the Ozarks, I've become an avid birdwatcher and really enjoy watching the wide variety of birds that are attracted to my feeders. Hummingbirds are one of my favorites, as I'm sure they are for many. They come on the scene about mid-April and very predictably leave for their winter migration never later than October 12. This year was different. Each day I would look out the window, expecting the feeders to be abandoned, but every day there continued to be at least one or two hummingbirds still making frequent appearances. I thought it odd, but it wasn't until well into November that I really began to question how they could survive, especially since we'd had some very cold nights, but still they kept coming.

Into December and through several freezes they returned. They have to feed frequently, so I had to alternate the feeders because they would freeze up. It's very odd to see hummingbirds feeding in the snow. It just ain't natural. Of course, I continued to enjoy them, but at the same time I fretted over them and pondered what it was that possessed them to remain so long after their families had gone. Several suggested that it was the presence of the feeders, but that isn't the case. Hummingbirds migrate in response to a combination of light and hormonal changes. I've always left the feeders out until I'm sure the last one is gone.

So, Christmas came and went, and then the New Year and still the hummingbirds remained. Even others who lived nearby were puzzled by it. They didn't have hummingbirds, despite the presence of feeders. Then, in mid-January, there was a severe and extended freeze, and the hummingbirds vanished, seemingly overnight.

I never made a connection between the presence of the hummingbirds and what was occuring in my life at that time...until now. In mid-October, I began corresponding with someone...or I should say, he began corresponding with me. Despite my lack of interest, he persuaded me to meet him. What followed was two months filled with joy, laughter and love. I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. Then one day, something happened and in an instant he was gone without a word. It was that same week that the freeze came and the hummingbirds never returned.

Interesting facts about hummingbirds:

They can perch, but cannot walk. They can only fly, but can fly in any direction.

They have an astonishing ability to broadcast color.

They can see ultraviolet light.

At 4.2% of their weight, they have the largest brain, proportionately, of all birds.

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Feb 2008
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What is it about him?

What catches my eye...and captures my heart?

His smile is as warm and bright as an unseasonably sunny, winter day and can dispell the darkest mood.
His eyes dance with delight and mischief.
He embraces life with childlike enthusiasm and wonder.
His easy laughter is contagious.
He can talk for hours about nearly anything.
He always holds my hand, with frequent caresses that say, "I love being with you."
He makes me feel at ease with him.

What causes my love to grow?

His gentle voice relieves the stress of a bad day.
He is generous with his affection.
He never gets impatient with my pettiest concern.
He always asks about my day and shares his day with me.
He makes me feel that nothing else exists when he wraps me in his arms.
When he's gone I pass the hours remembering his sweet kiss.
He's my first thought when I wake and his voice is the first I hear when he calls to say good morning.
I lie in bed and think of him until he calls to say goodnight.
Because he expresses his heart so willingly, I feel safe with him.
He laughs at me, but in a good way, when I might otherwise be embarassed.
No matter how close we are, I always want to feel him closer.
He gives me courage to try new things.
He is creative and has an eye for skill and beauty.
He appreciates the gifts of others.
He honors his family and treats them with kindness and respect.
He's a good story teller.
He has a spirit of adventure and loves to explore.
He can make me laugh at things that just moments before had me tied in knots.
He expresses concern for me.
He sees magic in the special moments.
The tenderness in his hands and in his voice soothes my soul and makes me long for more.
I can't get enough of his touch.
He inspires me to be the best that I can be.

What tears us apart?

Thoughts and feelings left unspoken, leaving too much room for speculation.
My foolish insecurities that cause my trust to waiver.
My own stupidity in unwittingly creating that which I fear most.
Ill-chosen words aimed at his heart, even though with good intent.
His reluctance to forgive.
His unwillingness to confront obstacles or conflict.
His pig-headedness.
His foolish pride.
The pain that grows in silence.

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Feb 2008
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The Power of Words

When we were growing up and would encounter the cruel tongues of other children, we were taught a rhyme designed to assauge our hurt feelings: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Who hasn't since learned to prefer the crippling pain of a broken bone over the searing arrow of a distressing word embedded in the heart?

The Bible says that the tongue is impossible to tame, comparing its power to direct the course of our lives to that of a bit in the horse's mouth being used to control its body, or that of a tiny rudder directing the course of a ship. But is it their wielding by the untempered tongue or the substance of the words themselves, be they accidentally discharged in the urgency of a heated moment or eloquently woven with deliberate precision and released with calculating aim, that have the power to heal or to destroy? The inaudible voice of the mute is the same to the hearing ear as the sonorous persuasiveness of the most eloquent tongue to the ear of the deaf. It is development of the language with which we convey thoughts and feelings, and not the ability to "talk" that sets us apart from other animals. An infant can communicate his needs by making sounds, but his ability to make himself understood is very limited until he learns the words to express what he is feeling.

Unfortunately, within the ability to make ourselves understood lies the inherent pitfall of being misunderstood.

I've always been one who could express myself better in writing than in conversation, at least in matters of the heart and soul, but have sometimes had to face the harsh reality that my best efforts to communicate have fallen profoundly short of their intent, sometimes even yielding the opposite result.....which is what brings me to where I am today.

I think it might be in order to preface whatever follows with a confession, of a sort. I don't have a freakin' clue when it comes to effective communication in a relationship once feelings are involved. It isn't logical when you consider that some of my best qualities, as well as professional competencies, are related to beng able to communicate well, both verbally and nonverbally. But once my heart is invested, I seem to chart a course hellbent on destruction. I apparently have a fatal flaw that keeps relationships from working for me. If I had any clue what it was, I'd fix it. I guess that's why I quit trying for so long. Then, after nearly 20 years, I let someone open that door. He led me to the precipace and made me believe I could fly. He took me where I'd never been and showed me the world through new eyes. He gave me hope, restored my faith and woke my heart from its long, dreamless sleep. Then, in an instant he vanished and slammed the door behind him, leaving me in freefall with no escape and no answers....only fruitless speculation as to how I might've fallen victim to my own untimely words.

Don't be too quick to judge me, however. You're obviously no genius in the relationship game either, else you wouldn't be here reading this. There's only so much that can be written off to lack of opportunity. The truth is, anyone over 30 who is still floundering on how to make a relationship work needs to scrap the old playbook and admit he/she is ill-equiped and be willing to try a new approach. Like it or not, no matter how well we have come to terms with the pain experienced in past relationships, it is still intricately interwoven through the fabric of who we are and will influence how we interact with any partner that follows. So also does a partner bring with him his own wounded history. With 20/20 hindsight, I would suggest that a good place to start over is admitting to one another that the rules have changed, and that you don't necessarily know what the new rules are. You might have to make them up as you go along, but this way, you can at least make them up together so you're both playing by the same ones.

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Jan 2008
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This is a list of sweetliberty's Blogs. Click here for sweetliberty's Blog List

sweetliberty Blog (4)

Still My Valentine

Dance of the Hummingbird

What is it about him?

The Power of Words

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