days after days
often i face ups and downs
when im up its up of course
but when im down so many times, what i do is only to cover it with happiness
pretend that nothing happens
acts as a professional actress that everything is ok and no way to be sad, i am cheerful enough to be sad
but when i am inside the room that thing is out all is out
and when i come back outside the room its just to come back to another world which push me to be somebody else
"an always happy girl"
yes in front of my mom i must always look good
coz i dont want to break her heart if she knows i can be deeply sad
indeed i can
and its double hurt when u must cover it with happiness
im just tired of having this fake strength
somehow tired
i wish one day i can have the real strength which i know it will help me lots
i wish
so..in the silent room with a very bad internet line at home with a question whether this blog even can be posted....suddenly i got flashback of something that reminded me of my late uncle
he died few months ago
he was the youngest brother of my mom
37 year old when he passed away
and it's all because of his sickness
when he was still alive, he said he just wanna enjoyed his life
he knew he got bad illness but he just ignore many advices and said he wanna enjoy his life
and so
that day happened
when my aunts called me and mom to go to their house
i just can't forget that day
the day when i saw my uncle so weak
sitting on his chair
he couldn't even move from his chair if my aunt didn't help
he breath so hard
i still remember his way of breathing
he called my mom
"Mbak...tolong aku, aku tidak bisa bernafas lagi"
it's Indonesian language, means he asked my mom's help as he couldn't breathe anymore
my mom who is a very strong woman after things had happened to our family for years and years, couldn't hide her weakness facing that condition
well...fortunately it could be overcome that time
but finally...weeks after he got back home from hospital, he passed away on the same chair when my aunts went to work.
nobody saw when he breath the last breath coz my aunt came home after hours and when she touched him and asked something to him, his body was just falling down from his chair and no sounds of breathing could be heard anymore
i imagine how sad he was
passing away with nobody accompanied beside
not even someone to whisper him a prayer or even to touch his hands
i didn't see his passing that day
but always and until now
i remember the day when i saw and heard him breath so hard, until now
his illness has made a very bad complication to all of his organs, his lungs, his heart..just all
when he was still alive, he was kind for us, a funny uncle, a trying to be funny uncle..not a perfect uncle but somehow we have lost him so bad
good bye uncle
rest in peace
you will be always in our heart
-from me, your niece
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