your 55th birthday. Oh man, we had so many plans for this year didn't we?
K and I had dinner tonight and talked about you. He really misses his Dad. He needs to talk some things over with you. I'm not a very good substitute for your wisdom and practical ways, but I try. He's needed that strong manhood guidance that you were so good at. I hope you come to him and help him out with his troubles. He just really needs you right now.
R & J are getting more excited about the baby. It's a boy. You would have been so happy. I remember the day they got married and you said to me "I can't wait until they have some kids......" Such a tragedy that Little Joey won't be able to know his Wally personally. I know R and K will tell him all about his Granddad. I know I will too. He'll still "know" you, he just won't get to have the pleasure of your love, laughter and fun in person. But he'll hear about you and know you that way.
The property. Geez. I did scatter some of your ashes there so that you would always be a part of it. It still brings Robert to tears when we walk or ride the Rhino over it. He tells people "this is where" you are buried. He misses you terribly too. He and Diane still wish we were there with them. It's still beautiful, but will never be what we imagined and planned for it. It's hard for me to go there. Sort of like being here in our home right now. It's not as bad as time has passed and the memories are still here. The grief, though not as fresh as it once was, still comes and goes at times.
Your Dad is doing well, as you'd expect for him to do. He misses you so much, but after your Mom passed he learned how hard it is to live without the "one" you truly love. So he has been doubly cursed at times. He is getting along well though for having lost you first and your Mom next.
I'm trying to move on and not doing too badly. I still miss you. I've changed in many ways since you've gone. Some, not so good, others...well I have learned how not to be a work-a-holic. I know you'd be proud of that. I still work too hard, but I try to remember that others can do much and some things I just have to let go of. Somehow.
Well, I'll close now. I just wanted you to know I didn't forget your birthday. I'll never forget your BD or many other special days we shared.
Good night Wally.
Bunny
Is this not the most misunderstood question ever asked? Why? Why me? Why did you do that? Why is the sky blue? Why did you have to die? Why am I still here? Why is the economy so screwed up? Why can't I go to Tahiti? Why do you hide?
"Why" is one of those unanswerable questions, no matter what the explanation may be. Yet, for me, it's one of the most frequently used adverbs in my vocabulary. I also know most of the time there will not be an answer forthcoming.
So why do I bother?
dance tonight
sing all day
make someone smile
eat light
lose weight
make someone smile
finish the laundry
finish my paperwork
make someone smile
get the taxes finished
water the lawn
make someone smile
give hope to someone who has none
hug someone who doesn't think he or she deserves it
make someone smile
I hope someone made you smile today.
She said "Just write the words. They will come". But I sat dumbfounded, wondering how a piece of paper could be so stark, so blinding in its emptiness. I felt my eyes would bleed from the intensity of the pain it induced as I stared at it. I wondered who she was talking to and said aloud, "Just write what? What am I supposed to tell them"? The task seemed overwhelming. How could I find those words? What part of my being would they come from? How could I possibly make anyone understand what it's like? How would they know how lovingly indescribable this had been, these many years?
Instead, I gazed out the window and watched the waning light fade to darkness and still I sat. The darkness enveloped me as the quiet became deafening and the oneness of being utterly alone struck me. Songs that described portions of my life couldn't be summoned from the depths of my despair. How much more? How much more could be taken from me I wondered aloud to no one, most especially God. God now being relegated to 'no one' status.
Morning came and went as I sat nearly motionless until the urgency in my body forced me to move. Nature called. I relented and gave up my throne of despondency to retreat to the water closet. Maybe this could be a new refuge for me. I wondered if I could set up a home there? Small, cold and somewhat inconvenient, I reckoned it wasn't advisable.
Suddenly the time was upon me. I had to shower, dress, greet and play the part. An unscripted play to which I had become the lead. I've never been the lead in so many dramas over so little a span of time. Why me Lord? Where was Kris Kristofferson when I needed him?
On arrival there were many there, waiting. "What are they waiting for?" I thought. "Who are all these people?" Why are these boys, once so small and needy holding my arms? Are they trying to lean on me? "Don't lean so hard. I can barely stand up" was all I could muster from my tired, yet restless mind. What happened to the sleep I'd sought yesterday? And yesterday's yesterday. I'd forgotten to sleep. Now what?
She was there and asked "Did you write it?" Everyone stood when we entered. 'No' I replied and moved on to the pew reserved for me and family. The room was without enough seats as it was. My niece looked pleadingly at me wanting to hold and support me as I'd done for her so many times before. "Come" I said and reached for her to follow. My niece. The girl who adored me from the time she could walk. The daughter I never had. One who would protect me or care for me should I ever ask. I only wanted her by me so that she stay comforted in my time of anguish. Her comfort being derived from being with me-an unappointed duty that she took to heart. In her comfort she would be helping me, so she surmised.
The time came and I rose. No paper with me, words typed in black and white to describe a life in so little time. A life of love, pain, grief, joy, heartache, triumphs and missteps. How to sum it up? I spoke from the periphery of my heart, for nothing or no one would feel the hurt built inside it. Spare everyone around was my objective, so there is no more suffering, except mine. Keep it small; keep in encased; keep it close and never let it out.
The words seemed to be appreciated as I looked out over the crowd. The nods expressed understanding as if "they" could truly begin to understand. No, they would never understand. But the words were there as a topical salve to cool the burn of loss. A temporary remedy to a malignant hurt.
Later she said "You did good sister belle. You did good". My forced smile belied the pain behind the mask I wore. "Thank you" and I walked away, alone in the crowd of family and friends. Head high, shoulders back, never to be a victim to the despair that planned to make its way into my soul.
I love forays into each day and wonder where I may wander. Often I'll take a different route somewhere and consider it another adventure.
Some forays into new and different adventures take a lot of consideration because of the hope for a pleasant end result.
Today, I "walked" (so to speak) in a new direction, something I've been contemplating for a while but didn't venture into due to a little fear. I'm not really afraid of much but I so dislike the feeling I get if I am rejected in some way, whether that be a work related rejection, or something in my personal life.
So now I await the result of my "foray" and see if I should continue the journey down this path. Or turn around and go the other way.
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Sometimes while cruising life's highways I have encountered unpredictable stops that forced me to change direction from the course I had been on. Many of these stops on the "highway" had to do with family and career, whether they be changes in jobs, moving or taking more time to be a Mom and less time being the workaholic I often (still) rely on to fulfill my life.
In the past year I have found myself stopping to see if my life will be taking a turn toward a person who may fulfill an empty space in my heart. The first time I actually had dreams of a future only to find it was the wrong dream to have. So I continued on my set path with no thoughts of "looking" for a specific person, place or thing to fill that space.
Recently I joined CS (5 weeks ago) and began the process of weeding out people who seemed to be of less than reputable intentions from one or two for whom we may hold some interest for each other. This is a normal process I think and one not to be taken lightly if the objective is to find a life partner.
At some point you come to an agreement that you want to pursue further attempts at getting to know one another and during this process you find it's good or it's not. What a process it can be! Establishing bonds of similar interests, building a foundation of trust becomes the primary pursuit in these communications. Sometimes it just doesn't go the way I hope for so I find myself analyzing what was right and what was wrong about a particular situation or encounters. Self analysis can be torture! So, I have decided to relegate this torment to things of the past and allow them nothing more than a few afterthoughts. I think I'll like myself much better this way.
Happy Day of Love to all on February 14th.
It's an interesting thing (to me) to think about how we leave people every day. I don't mean in the aspect of leaving a marriage, family or home. I am speaking of our farewells to one another. What feeling do we leave with the other person when we part? How about the people we don't know as well, someone we would call an aquaintance rather than friend? It's said that first impressions are so valuable because they set the tone of the relationship you have with that person. And, I think that's very true. But the good-bye, ciao, bon soir or whatever words and language we use to signify our intent of ending the encounter can leave such a lasting impression.
I know of no one who has a crystal ball so I never know if or when I may see someone again. I genuinely try to let those I know that I appreciate them in some way. I express my gratitude to them for their work, friendship, love or whatever our connection is. I try hard to show it on my face, in my eyes and with my touch. I'm a consummate "toucher". On top of it all I try to be sure who ever I am leaving knows my farewell is from the heart. A smile and/or a word of thanks to someone during a brief meeting while doing business at a shop may be the only positive word they have heard that day.
Parting gifts can be the smallest kindness But it could be the biggest kindness someone has had for a while. I will try to remember to always give generously.
In reading the forums, blogs and based on personal experience I have decided that rejection comes in many forms. Some people feel rejected if they haven't gotten many contacts (if any at all) on date sites. Perhaps they feel they are too big, too little, too short, too whatever to garner interest. To me that shows low self esteem and ego. Unfortunately some of us obsess over this and never seem to "get over it". However, this is just our perception, biased as it may be.
The real rejection comes when one reaches out and is turned away politely or not. Now that is cause for feelings of inferiority in some way. I suppose (for me) it's best to cover that rejection with a "oh well, his loss" type attitude and move on.
Just another bump in an already crooked road.
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