when i was 19 i was "seeing" two different guys. neither was a serious relationship, just hanging out, having fun. when things with jason started to be serious, i broke it off with josh. jason and i started dating, moved in together, started planning our lives together. when i found out i was pregnant, i was scared. excited, but scared. i was 19, i wasn't sure i was quite ready for the responsibilities of being a mother. we went to the doctor and they did my first ultra sound. needless to say, i fell in love with the child growing inside of me. i also found that the due date put conception right at that time that it could have been either josh or jason. i struggled with this for several weeks. i was unsure of whether to tell them, or just keep it to myself. jason and i were in a fairly happy stable relationship, why ruin that?
in the end, my conscience got the better of me. i thought, if it were me, i would want to know. so i told them both, in all honesty, that i didn't know. it broke my heart to look in the eyes of the man i loved as i broke his heart. i tried to explain to him that it was before we were dating, that he knew about josh then and that i had never cheated on him.
he didn't believe me. he turned extremely hateful and then took himself out of my life.
josh stayed by my side. helped me through it all. loved the little girl growing inside of me.
through the pregnancy i attempted to stay in touch with jason. i tried to talk to him. i wanted him to know that if the baby was his, i would not stand in the way of his parental rights. that we would work things out for ourselves. he refused to see me, or speak to me.
after she was born josh took a paternity test. not his. i continued to attempt to contact jason to no avail. i gave him an additional nine months to man up. he never did. so i filed for child support.
he drug out the child support procedings for almost a full year. he has been given visitation rights, he doesn't use them. i have tried to talk to him about this and he tells me that it's my fault. that i'm a b*tch. that i hurt him.
i understand that i hurt him. i never intended to. i was young and convinced of my own immortality. but i never lied to him. i never cheated on him. i never did anything he himself wasn't doing. i told him the truth out of respect and love.
now he tells people that i'm holding her from him. that i refuse to let him see her. so once again, i'm the b*tch.
i try to live my life. to ignore the bull shit. i moved out of the small town we lived in. i'm raising my daughter on my own. and i truly believe he's the one missing out.
i'm just not sure, after all these years, how it can still be my fault. . .
shouldn't he be to blame for his own decisions now? shouldn't he be at fault for his own reactions?
i want someone who will hold me, even if i'm not sad.
who will understand that sometimes i don't want to be held.
i want someone who will laugh at my stupid jokes, really laugh . . . because they get the humor, not to make me feel good about myself.
i want someone who will let me almost win when i truly suck at something, but put in their all when i don't suck.
i want someone who will sit on the couch with me and watch stupid tv shows all night long.
i want someone who understands my s*xual appetite is only one part of who i am.
i want someone who understands my sarcasm and isn't offended by it.
someone who understands that i am a liberal, not a socialist, and i DO NOT support this new administration.
someone who will learn to love my daughter because she is who she is, and not just because she is part of the package.
someone who can appreciate what a beautiful mess i am.
i want someone who understands that i am ocd, i'm just not a neat freak.
someone who will love me for my flaws.
is that really too much to ask?
it starts like this . . .
last night i get a phone call from my mom. one of my childhood friends 16 year old brother committed suicide yesterday morning.
this morning i was up at 3:30 to go back to work. i've been off for 2 weeks. you can imagine how crappy going back was. was only there for about 2 hours before we ran out of work. also, i did my fmla wrong, so now i have to fix it, which is irritating.
then all day my ex's fiance has been calling and texting. she thinks he's cheating. and is trying to get information from me. and i refuse to give it to her. so now i'm in the middle of this shit.
i think that's it.
i think i'm turning into an insomniac. i can't seem to fall asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning.
i look around my apartment and think, i should clean. instead i blog and get caught up in nick at night. which is great, by the way. they don't make sitcoms like these any more. you know, the kind that you can actually sit down and watch with your kids and not have to have discussions about afterwards . . .
not that i don't enjoy the new baudier ones too. i do. i'm not a prude.
none of my friends are awake now. i've been off work for a week, still have another week off. i think i'm going crazy. not being constantly busy is starting to drive me insane. i'm a multi tasker. and when i don't have things to multi task i can't focus on anything. which is prolly why i hate my job so much. they don't allow us to multi task. point and click. point and click.
now i'm rambling, i know. i should use this forum to impress you all with my wit and prose, but tonight it's just not in me.
i put a dent in my daughters door today. no, i'm not violent. i was knocking to tell her to lay down and it cracked. i didn't even hit it that hard. just a typical knock. i don't think it's real wood. that's a lie. i know its not, just laminate.
i think i'm going to attempt to sleep. thank you all for your time.
i am frustrated with the older people on this site.
yes, i am young. 22 going on 23. according to some of the older people i haven't experienced enough of life. my opinions and views are skewed because of my age. well, aren't theirs as well?
let me enlighten you. my parents divorced when i was 3. my stepdad was emotionally and physically abusive. i couldn't do anything right. i came home with straight a's and i was told i wasn't good enough to get a +'s. he had a 2x4 that he drilled holes into that he used to beat me with. he made everything that went wrong my fault, thus alienating me from my brothers.
i struggled with severe depression at an early age. by the time i was 13 i had tried to kill myself several times. i had a heroin addiction by the age of 12. i kicked said addiction at 14 by being four pointed for 7 days, unable to eat, unable to move, simply sweating the drug and the withdraws out of my system. this decision came after my best friend flung himself out of a closed window. he was in a coma for 6 months, before the decision finally came to take him off of life support. i watched them pull the plug.
i got pregnant with my first child when i was 16. i struggled for nine months with the choice between attempting to be a mother or adoption. a month after he was born i realized that i couldn't give him the life i wanted for him and i gave him up for adoption. i stared into my sons eyes as i handed him over to his new family. i defy any parent to tell me that was not, by far, the hardest thing i have ever done.
i had my second child at 19. no, i'm not stupid. i know how babies are made. i had been on birth control for 2 years. we used condoms. sometimes contraception fails. i am now a single mother. my ex occasionally pays support, but he is not otherwise involved. i am raising my daughter on my own. she will be 3 this month. she has the vocabulary of a 5 year old. she problem solves. she is funny and endearing to anyone who meets her. she is sweet and kind. she is creative and inspiring. but i do struggle. in this lovely economy, i struggle. but i sacrifice, for her. i don't have the nicest things, or the latest clothes, but she has toys to play with and expand the mind and food on the table and a roof over her head.
i have been through a lot in my life. it has not been easy. but i still take it with a grain of salt. i smile through the hard times and trust in myself to make them better. i am truly optimistic. i almost always have a kind word. i genuinely care for people. i have overcome all obstacles placed in my way, and i will continue to do so.
so i ask you, before you judge someone on their age, why not step back, and find out who they really are?
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