1)I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
2)I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
3)I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
4)I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5)I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
6) I must cleans off my muddy paw BEFORE I enter the house after my mistress clean the floor.
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with person trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Anyone who loves their mother would absolutely die after sending that text message!
---- IMAGE REMOVED because photobucket.com no longer allows embedded images ----
What women want in a man at age 22:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 72:
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
-Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand (K Lindberg)
-Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful (Seneca the Younger)
-Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions (Blaise Pascal)
-With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. (Steven Weinberg)
-Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ..But He loves you. (George Carlin)
-You keep believing, I'll keep evolving (unknown)
-The only difference between religon and father christmas is that we are told at a certain age that father christmas was made up. (Lucifers Dad )
-Just remember, all religions were cults at one time (Unknow Poet)
-Religion does three things quite effectively: Divides people, Controls people, Deludes people. (Carlespie Mary Alice McKinney)
-As people become more intelligent they care less for preachers and more for teachers(Robert G. Ingersoll)
-I refuse to believe in a God that would send me to hell just for not believing in him. (Bob Snuka)
-I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires (Susan B. Anthony)
-The World is divided into armed camps ready to commit genocide just because we can't agree on whose fairy tales to believe. (Ed Krebs)
-The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be happily tossed out the window (Stephen King)
-God has always resembled his creators. He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably found on the side of those in power. Most of the gods were pleased with sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine perfume (Robert G. Ingersoll)
-I've found that most people that want to share their religious beliefs with you very rarely want you to share yours with them. (Unknown)
- If God created the world, then who created god? and who created whoever created god? So somewhere along the line something had to just be there. So why can we just skip the idea of god and go straight to earth? (Ryan Hanson)
-God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom? (Unknown)
---- IMAGE REMOVED because photobucket.com no longer allows embedded images ----
Merry Christmas & all the best in the New Year folks
How is it a mother telling you that she loves you, but all these years you just cant feel? She's apologized about it, said lets forget the past and open a new chapter but nothing is change. Things are just worse than before.
Guess some broken bridge are not meant to be rebuilt. And maybe it's better that way.
---- IMAGE REMOVED because photobucket.com no longer allows embedded images ----
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough cough. That's pretty annoying isn't it? I wonder if they go up to cripples and dance too?
---- IMAGE REMOVED because photobucket.com no longer allows embedded images ----
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
The Day the P.nis asked for a Raise
I, the P.nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
P.nis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
arch_angel83 Blog (42)