-Fore sale 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old. Leave mess.
-Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
-Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00.
-For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
-Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
-Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
-We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
-Great Dames for sale.
-Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
-Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
-Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
-Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
-Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
-Man, honest. Will take anything.
-Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
-Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
-3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
-Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumped in the deep end and sank like a stone. Edna jumped in to save him, swimming to the bottom and pulling him out.
When the head nurse found out about this, she ordered that Edna be discharged, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. She told Edna by saying, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re out of here because you responded rationally to that crisis with Ralph. That shows sound-mindedness.
“The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe right after you saved him. I’m so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I just put him there to dry. Now when can I go home?”
A TEACHER asked her class to make a sentence using the word “dough”. Little Jane raised her hand and said, “In Italy they make pizza using special dough.”
“Very good,” nodded the teacher.
Little Mary raised her hand and said, “My daddy goes to work and earns a lot of dough.”
“Wonderful,” nodded the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “My mummy says my daddy is so useless that she has to use a dil-dough.”
- You can have everything in the world and still unhappy, or you can have little and happy.
- Strange how family can become strangers and strangers can become family.
- No matter what, people ALWAYS show you who they really are...it's up to you to notice and take note.
- Never underestimate the motives of others. . .they may not always prove to be as sincere or innocent as they seem.
- Saying something a zillion times doesn't mean you mean it. It's your actions that serve as proof.
- Always appreciate what you have today cause it could be gone tomorrow.
- We all have walls up inside us but they are not made of brick, someone or something always gets through, no matter how hard we try and stop it.
- Sometimes it's easier to pretend your happy rather then explain why your not.
- Family isn't just about whose blood runs through your veins. It's about those who always have your back and never stab your back.
#10. Well, how ’bout that?... I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
#9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
#8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude.... I like that.
#7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car—go crazy.
#6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
#5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.
#4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies—you know—that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
#3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring—now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
#2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
And the number one thing you’ll never hear a dad say...
Father’s Day? Ahh—don’t worry about that—it’s no big deal.
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One ovary asks the other ovary "Did you order any furniture?" "No, why?" "Because there's two nuts out there, trying to shove in an organ."
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What do you call an Afgan Virgin... Never Bin Laid on
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An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. she has obviously never tried to wipe her backside with a laptop!!
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A man and woman are getting divorced. While together he gave her blood. He says I want my blood back. She throws him a tampon and says I'll pay you monthly!
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What's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM? Although they both carry stiffs, One is used for coming and the other is for going
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Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.
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Old lady says to her hubby,"My nipples are as hot today as they was 50 years ago" Hubby replies,"Oughtta be. One's in your coffee the other's in your porridge."
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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse Islamic terrorists. Bin Snort-in, Bin Deal-in and Bin Thieving, there is no sign of Bin Work-in
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You may be a redneck if you get a B'day card saying, "Happy B'day" Love, Uncle Dad
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Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike.
" How can a person who is civil and just but ask's for nothing in return be less righteous than those behave justly, but only under threat, and for the aim of a personal reward? "
" I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours "
" God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom? "
" Personally its not god I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand. "
" Is god willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god? "
" If I wanted to spend my life believing in something - it would be myself "
" Who are the bigger fool's, those who are born stupid or those who choose stupidity? "
" Living in fear or judgement is not how I will spend my life. Realizing that this life is all I get and your life is all you get, brings a need to make the best of all possible "
" I never understood religion until I witnessed a shackled man being beaten into submission. "Trust me," said the torturer, "when you tell me what I want to hear, the suffering will stop "
" No man ever believes that the holy book means what it says; he is always convinced that it says what he means. "
" God is my shepard: - Only sheep need a shepard "
" I've found that most people that want to share their religious beliefs with you very rarely want you to share yours with them. "
" Can I just pin you down a little here? What exactly IS a god? You don't know. What is it made of? You don't know. Where is it? You don't know. You learnt about it from a Bronze Age book that claims truth for itself. And at your parents' knee. Is that where your outrageous certainty comes from? "
" Why may I ask is God NEVER held accountable for his actions yet we may burn in hell for OUR actions and if we refuse to believe in him? "
" 100 billion galaxies and 70 sextillion stars in the universe. The creator sends his son (himself) to our obscure planet for 30 years. Didn't he have better things to do? "
" It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong. "
" God is Perfect: Perfect beings do not experience anger or suprise towards a sequence of events they knew of in advance."
" Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea. "
" If god was all knowing, would he not know I would become an Atheist? And would he not stop me from becoming one? Or does he want me to goto 'Hell'? "
" Faith... Must be enforced by reason...When faith becomes blind it dies "
" I refuse to seriously discuss god with a believer because there are simply too many gods. After all the believers get together and rationalize their gods into one, then maybe we'll have something to discuss. "
" Why worship a God who may well send you to hell because he chooses to remain hidden and give no proof that he even exists "
" More people have died in the name of god than for any other reason - the Inquisition, Crusades, witch hunts, etc. God must be spinning in his grave. "
" Religious wars: Isnt it ironic that our fear of death could actually be the death of us. "
" You are about as likely to go to heaven, as I am to go to hell "
" Man has always required an explanation for all of those things in the world he did not understand. If an explanation was not available, he created one. "
" We admit that we are like apes, but we seldom realise that we ARE apes. "
" Just remember: all religions were cults at one time "
" Science is certain of nothing and requires proof of everything. Faith is certain of everything and requires proof of nothing. "
" If the concept you call god is omnipotent and omnipresent, can you explain to me why you pray? "
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they right and need you to shut up!
2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dress, this means a half an hour. 5 minutes is only 5 minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. NOTHING: This is the calm bfore the storm. This means something, and you shold be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. GO AHEAD: This a dare, not permission. Don't do it!
5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. Aloud sigh means mean she think you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (refer back to No.3)
6. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to man. That's okay means she want to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. THANKS: A woman thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. ( I want to add in a clouse here- This is true, unless she say thanks alot--thats is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever' )
8. WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying F**K YOU!
9. DONT WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No.3
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom...
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least.
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
a while, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
Non-pet owners who visit and complain about our pets:
1.They live here,you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on ur clothes stay off the furniture, that's why they call it fur-niture.
3. I like, loves my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are young'uns who are short, hairy, walk on all fours & sometimes don't speak clearly.
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