Funny how we have dreams as children of what we hope for the future, and how differently things turn out. At my age I thought I'd have it all figured out and be happily married for twenty five years or more with that one life partner I dreamed of. Yet here I am feeling quite disillusioned as to what the future holds, and all I can say is I've grown a lot through everything mountain I've had to climb.
I adopted a little boy with Down syndrome and you know when I wanted him to have a forever family, I meant that with all my heart. Problem is I could not make someone else want the same things. Oh I wanted honesty and that team player who went above and beyond to make our marriage work. Thing is I woke up one day and realized I had no clue who I married. What was once up was now down, right was wrong, and the foundation shattered all due to a heap of lies.
Thing is I believe that attitude is truly what matters most no matter what crisis you face or what comes your way. I'm learning to live one day at a time and trying not to focus too far ahead. I love sharing my life, but for this very moment I enjoy quiet moments when the children are sleeping, or moments of chaos when the green light goes on and the phone rings. I swear kids just know if there is a time they can take advantage it's when the phone rings. LOL Yet I love them dearly and my life sure would not be the same without my loved ones.
So here I am wondering will I ever get it right at my age? Will that ship ever come in and is there ever a safe harbor. I've always believed you get out of something what you put in, but boy sometimes you just can't change others and that may mean letting go. Yet as one door closes, a new one can open. So here is to new paths, new horizons, and the acceptance that I AM here and I'm still hoping to one day find that one special person who'd give his heart and soul for that forever family and life.
Sounds a bit cheesy, but it's straight from this ol heart.
(Part Two of Day two) Okay so I wasn't aware I was only allowed to write 4000 words in one blog.... so here is part two of day two for those who wish to continue reading.
I'm raising one challenging little boy, but his hugs and kisses make each day worth the effort. I must sing "Brush your teeth so you don't get cavities." at least twenty times a day upon his request. It's become a new way to get things done. He will say, "Mommy sing brush your teeth." So now I say, "Noah do this and Mommy will sing." He's quite the stubborn little one who doesn't always want to comply, but if my singing is what helps him become the great man I know he can become, then I'll be whistling Dixie when he grows up! Who knows... maybe by then he will be saying "Mom, please do NOT sing." My seventeen year old tells me to be quiet in the morning.... what's wrong with waking up singing? At least his little brother appreciates me, and we had his ears checked so I know he's not deaf! LOL
Wishing you all a wonderful day! Thanks for dropping by!
Life may be like a box of chocolates, and with me I promise you will get some nutty days in that box!
Poem
Arms full of kisses,
A huggy bear bouquet,
I promise you I love you,
Forever and a day.
Your tiny little heart,
Fills a void inside,
It's because I love you,
I am so alive.
Each day is full of blessings,
Our abilities are many,
Forget about disabilities,
Your abilities are plenty.
Your hugs just keep me going,
Believing we can do it,
Whatever we are facing,
God will get us through it.
Down syndrome is a label,
I just see a little boy,
The one who stole my heart,
My little pride and joy.
SDF May 28, 2010
I have found through my experiences that a relationship is like a garden. Many of us may want things quick and easy, but with any garden it takes time to grow. You have to sow in all those special ingredients to make it work. Kindness can come in the form of a little note or card. Many guys may think money is the key, but I believe a woman wants to be treated well and not all women are into huge expensive gifts. The same goes for ladies since we can also do kind things for the man in our life to make him feel special as well. You also have to pluck out what won't work, and learn to forgive since everyone does make mistakes or has a bad day. A loving relationship isn't something that just shows up at your door, it's something you have to be willing to work at. I've talked to people who play the blame game with their ex's. She or he didn't do this or that, but when I ask "What did you do? Or did you try to put love into that relationship?" Often I am told they did nothing but put all their expectations onto the other person. That person wasn't this or that. Now I am not suggesting anyone be a doormat. Please do not misinterpret what I'm suggesting. It takes two to cultivate this garden of love.
Have you seen the movie, "Fireproof"? Fantastic movie. You can actually buy THE DARE book which they show in the movie. I highly recommend anyone thinking of a divorce to rent or buy this movie. It's about a fireman and his wife who end up contemplating a divorce. The movie is a faith based movie, but the message is wonderful.
Noone is a mind reader, and certainly one can not meet the unspoken expectations of another. I know it's easy to say he or she should know me by now. The problem can be a lack of communication and you never know what the other person is thinking.
My dream had always been to find myself in a loving, growing, happy, nurturing relationship where we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never got married with the intention I'd end up divorcing. I'm the type of person who is willing to work at the relationship, and put in my very best. It's not easy, but boy it's worth while. I take my hat off to anyone who has managed to stay married for 25 years or more, and put the time and effort into getting past the struggles. It's not easy cultivating the garden of love, but I have regained hope that one day I will find what I have hoped for. The key is to keep believing, and to keep trying.
Day two... raising a child with special needs is not always an easy endevour by any means. The key to sanity is always finding a way to laugh about what is going on. My adopted six year old son with Down syndrome certainly knows how to push my buttons. Nothing like a full cup of chocolate milk hitting the carpet of a rented home to keep you on your toes. Thing is I was sitting right there, just wasn't quick enough to grab the cup. It was that look of "watch this" as he tipped the cup and looked at me and then covered his ears knowing he is going to get a reaction from me. So when a single mom says patience is a must, I MEAN PATIENCE is definitely a prerequisite with no ifs ands or buts. Thank you Jesus for patience today! I sure needed it.
I did well today working with my son until I took two seconds tonight to check my email and a pop tart came flying at me. My words are usually "That's it... time out." The funny thing has been that my son will sometimes say what I'm going to say before he does something. He just KNOWS his mommy well! So, of course, when I took him to the school to meet with his occupational therapist he just happened to say "That's it... time out... go to your room." She just asked if she heard what she thought she heard, and we both laughed as I told her "yes, that's what he said." She said it was okay because she has a time out room in her house too. You just never know what will come out of your child's mouth, but you can bet it will be when you least expect it.
I can remember teasing my other kids as they were growing up. They'd ask what's to drink and I'd always give them quite the answer... "We have water, hot water, cold water, flavored water, well water, toilet water, and oh yes puddle water since it rained today." The water came back to haunt me many years later. My kids became very good at playing jokes on me... geez wonder where they got that from! Talking about water, I remember one April fools day my two teenaged sons decided to tape the water hose to the on position so when I turned on the sink I would get drenched. It worked too! Guess I wasn't on my toes that day either. I certainly miss those days. I have five kids. Three are now grown and on their own, and here I am now with a seventeen year old and my six year old adopted son with Down syndrome. Life is not what I pictured it would be, but boy the journey has been fun along the way. My kids have certainly made ALL the difference in my life! It's not easy by any means, but I believe I'll get my rewards in heaven.
So many people don't have a clue what it's like to raise a child with Down syndrome. My son has sensory issues so that means crowded places are just too overwhelming for him. He can't stand loud noises either. He will cry or cover his ears. It can be heart breaking at times. Yet you just want to tell him that Mommy wishes she thought of that a LONG time ago. I'd like to tell a few people to just talk to the hand because I am NOT listening to another word. Perhaps next time his father goes to tell me a lie, I should try the cover your ear method and see how it goes. Sometimes you just have to FIND the humor in it all! Life certainly is what we make it. I know one thing... I'm going to keep on putting love into everything I do because I do believe it will come back to me one day. Just got to keep walking forth in faith.
Today is day one blogging on a dating site. I NEVER thought I'd be here. To live my life you have to have a sense of humor. I'm raising a six year old child I adopted with Down syndrome, so life is not always easy. I've learned to be creative in doing things. For instance, I have to sing to my son to get him to brush his teeth. He won't answer the question, "What is your name?" so I even came up for a song for his name. So my day is full of songs and dance, and I work from home on top of it all.
Like many of you, I never got married to end up getting a divorce. I certainly understand how Sandra Bullock feels... thinking the man you marry will have your back, but then waking up to find out he's been lying to you all along. Someone just pulls the rug out from beneath you, but the good thing is I have every intention on landing on my feet.
The key to a happy life sure isn't focusing on what hasn't worked. As my mother would say, when you fall off the horse you just get right back on and try again. Not that we ever had horses! This is LIFE 101, a forever learning experience. It's a matter of keeping the faith, and also keeping things in perspective. My goal use to be to find my life time partner and grow old together. I pictured myself as a team player, and we'd take turns holding each other up if needed. I really believed that I'd end up in the newspapers celebrating my 25th anniversary, and boy that seems like a fantastic thing to celebrate.
So what are my hopes and dreams at this point? Today I'm just taking it one day at a time. We'll go through our usual routine, and I guess I'm hoping one day I won't feel so alone. You know I can't believe I've been married since 1999, and I've felt lonely for years now.
Well it looks like a beautiful warm day outside, and I think it's an awesome day to have a little picnic. But before I head out I'd like to share a poem I wrote. It was a quick first draft....
psgetti!~ he grins,
Mmmmmm good,
Bright blue eyes,
Fingers grasping meatballs,
Oh such delight,
psgetti more please!
A big plate loaded,
Half on his lap,
Fingers painting,
Dark brown hair red,
A little clown face,
Smiling with delight,
Mr psgetti face,
Barely any white,
Irreplacable days,
Treasured moments.
Wiping clean a palmer's crease,
Pudgy psgetti nose,
Cleaning up psgetti plates,
Psgetti from the toes,
Short stubby fingers,
Dancing with glee,
A psgetti filled tummy,
A psgetti dabbed mommy.
Oh how I love psgetti!
Psgetti connoiseur,
Getting on the floor,
More psgetti.... more!!!!!
SDF May 25, 2010
viola1964 Blog (5)