Feelings of Loss

If you haven't noticed, loss sucks. In my experience, loss is usually accompanied with some degree of guilt. I guess I tend to blame myself for things. My fault or not. Sometimes it's easier to FIND blame rather than figure out what really went wrong.

Early on in life I came to the conclusion that I just can't have nice things. And not in a material way, just nice things in general. I've decided to hide. Here, in the blogs. To sort out my thoughts. To find direction. To figure out where the hell I lost track of where I was going.

Running away? No. Just contemplating. Thinking. Planning.

I can flow words over the QWERTY keys of this computer. They come easy to me (usually). The same words I write, for some reason, I cannot translate into spoken word. I have volumes and volumes of writings compiled over the years that will probably never be read by anyone but me. Hell, I may never read them again. I'll just stuff them in my file cabnet along with old tax returns and kid's report cards.

So I'm hiding. Not from the world, but myself. I need to change. I need to change something, but I can't find the answer as to what.

I feel like everything around me is moving at such a speed that it is all a blur. I can see my hands clearly if I look at them, but I cannot focus beyond them. I can trace the lines of my palm, but can't read a street sign.

But, I can make out the symbol on that sign. It's definitely a "no u-turn". Isn't it always?