The 'other person' (20)

I am asking this question, as I had a conversation with my ex husband's girlfriend the other day. We were laughing, as we do and I asked her how it felt being in a relationship as the 'other woman'

Her response was interesting, intelligent as she is an intelligent person, hell a woman that took him off my hands and made him a decent, loving human being, gets my thumbs up anyday.

She said that many people were against her, her friends dropped her, and she felt alone, yet she felt no guilt towards me. I knew this lady as she was my ex husband's assistant, when I first found out about it and he was leaving me, she said that was when the pain and hurt kicked in, as she felt a self loathing when she saw my pain and I had asked her back then, did she ever feel any guilt.

SHe told me then, 'no, I love him' I could only resonate that I had once felt the same about him.

SHe and I are great friends now, she is a wonderful mother and a fabulous stepmother to my children, who love her immensely. I have embraced that relationship rather than feel threatened by it. I gained a friend. We have never been in competition with each other, aside from the fact that her Shepherd's Pie is crap and my son tells her, 'not like my mum's' I feel proud at that.

So, my question is this, has any person been the co star in the marriage/partnership? How do you feel or how did you?

How do people feel about the 'other person?' Many people would feel scorn and be nasty to them, but we must remember that they are people and that they too have feelings, why are we so against people who have affairs?

Purely, from a discussion standpoint. I am genuinely interested.

Well, I maintained contact with one ex of 8 years, and befriended her new partner....but in the larger scheme of things, it is unusual, and that hasn't been the case in my other relationships...it's the exception I would say..

Look, you may condone her being the third person in your story, simply because your marriage wasn't working. But what about a woman or a man who seduces someone away from their respective partners, and thereby ruining what would normally be an ok marriage. No marriage is perfect, but at the same time no marriage needs to be tested by temptation from the outside...I think people who cheat, and break up families are bad news...But most weak partnerships need an affair to tip the scale, innit?

I don't condone her, I accept her.

Your post intrigues me, Lago, respectully of course. What about a woman or a man who seduces a person away from a marriage? No person could seduce me away from my relationship, I would not let that happen. That is no other person's responsibility other than my own. To get out. I could not blame another person, I would be behaving in a bad manner, to the relationship.

This is where I am driving here, to seek how people feel about the other person. Why are they bad news?

Are they not people who are in love rather than people who break up families?

Well hang on....I see the thrust and gist of your argument, and where you're going with it. Your premise is the following: if the liaison is based on love, and the existing marriage is not 'loving' anymore, then it's ok to hijack it. In other words, you are saying that love justifies everything. I think that's poppycock. That's teenage pulp fiction. Marriage, families, and raising kids is hard work....and sometimes, you just have to get on with it. Just because you're not in love anymore doesn't give you the right to throw it all in the air, and run off with the first humanoid that you get the hots for....My parents had their wobbly moment when I was about 14....if they had been able to afford it, I think they would have split.....of course they muscled thru it...and they are very happy today that they did....sometimes (often) the tough road is the best road....

Don't know..Never been married..

Stay/become friends with the third party who busted/added to the bust up of a relationship..no. If there are kids invovled fair enough be civil and respectful..but tell them my deepest darkest..or even the shallow ones no..

Why are 'we' against the third party.I Haven't a clue..I tried to answer it but..I deleted it..I haven't a clue.

No, I am saying darling Lago it is okay to hijack it. What I am saying is that the third person in the relationship is not always the one responsible for the actions and they way it is going.

I am also not saying that love justifies everything.

I am stating, that my own marriage breakdown was not the fault of our co star. He suffered too, as did she. But I do not subscribe to this 'they both deserved it'

My point to the thread, is to see how people view the 'other person'

Because I know, when a partnership breaks down, there are many who blame the 'other person' as being the sole perpetrator.

That is not always the case. I am not of the mind that people set out to destroy relationships in that manner, hence why I cannot grasp when one does.

DOes that explain my gist better?

You feel that a person who seeks out to tear families apart, as the bad person, when I see that no person 'seeks; to do that.

Plus, any person that sought to wreck my family would simply not be able to...

I'm with you here Lagoona..

Being single at my age I get approached by married men a lot, - and all of them tell me the sob story about how there just isnt any love in their marriage any more..

I could grab this opportunity, and later claim: but we are in love!!
But I dont. I decline, definitely when there are children involved.
There is so much more to a marriage than being 'in love',- and it seems childish to me to make that the first priority when there are children..

Surely the children should be the first priority.

But to get back to your original question: I had my first husband leave me for his assistant, and they are married now with two kids of their own.
I never blamed her, though I cannot say I respect her for what she participated in.. But ultimately I dont care what she did. I wasnt married to her!!
I care what He did, and how he handled things besides falling in love with his assistant..
but thats another story..

Ok, your explanation was consumate, but complex...but that is exactly what it is...I have too little experience in this regard, because I have never 'lost out' to a third party...(not knowingly anyway)...