When kids grow up! (8)
I am guessing every mother has gone through something similar to what you are feeling when their child trys to move on to adulthood.
My son has always marched to his own drummer. A leader not a follower. But when he got his drivers license he seemed to lose all sanity. The independence went to his head and be made some bad choices. He moved out at the age of 16 also. But because of his bad decisions and ultimately his failures, he learned valuable lessons. Lessons that have made him the strong, hard working adult he is today.
All we can do is love them no matter what happens. Reinforce to them we will always be there for help and support while they make their move into adulthood.
In my case, after 6 months of living on his own, my son moved back home stating the one thing he had yet to learn was stability. And he needed to move back home and grow up some more. But that had to be his decision.
You sound like a great mom. Your son talks to you and he obviously knows you love him or he wouldn't have said "not to worry". Continue to be his rock. I am sure he will "do it on his own" just fine.
My son has always marched to his own drummer. A leader not a follower. But when he got his drivers license he seemed to lose all sanity. The independence went to his head and be made some bad choices. He moved out at the age of 16 also. But because of his bad decisions and ultimately his failures, he learned valuable lessons. Lessons that have made him the strong, hard working adult he is today.
All we can do is love them no matter what happens. Reinforce to them we will always be there for help and support while they make their move into adulthood.
In my case, after 6 months of living on his own, my son moved back home stating the one thing he had yet to learn was stability. And he needed to move back home and grow up some more. But that had to be his decision.
You sound like a great mom. Your son talks to you and he obviously knows you love him or he wouldn't have said "not to worry". Continue to be his rock. I am sure he will "do it on his own" just fine.
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Thanks for that............it was thoughtful of you to reply. It was not easy for me to say as i can be quite a private person. i have a feeling that my son is going to learn the hard way also so as you say all i can do is be there for him no matter what. I know he is safe as i called his dad but we dont know where he is cos he wont say!! It has been less than 48 hrs and i have decided to let him get on with it but to send him a text saying i love him and hope he gets it. After that he world is his oyster!! You never know maybe he too will return and have learned something..........xxx
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Merryberry,
I can sympathize with you too. My younger son is 16, and has had a few issues. He is a very introverted person, with a few select friends that share an interest in music. He hates school and is only going to finish to get that piece of paper. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his future, and college are not in his plans. His high school offers a 2-year vocational program in construction. He gets A's in that and D's in math and english. He and his dad are on good terms, but dad lives 2000 miles away.
I'm sure you are already doing this, but give him unconditional love. Sending him the text messages can open up new lines of communication with him. My son emails me occasionally when he wants to tell me something important that he doesn't want to do face to face.
It's good that he and his dad are talking.
I can sympathize with you too. My younger son is 16, and has had a few issues. He is a very introverted person, with a few select friends that share an interest in music. He hates school and is only going to finish to get that piece of paper. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his future, and college are not in his plans. His high school offers a 2-year vocational program in construction. He gets A's in that and D's in math and english. He and his dad are on good terms, but dad lives 2000 miles away.
I'm sure you are already doing this, but give him unconditional love. Sending him the text messages can open up new lines of communication with him. My son emails me occasionally when he wants to tell me something important that he doesn't want to do face to face.
It's good that he and his dad are talking.
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You know what I remeber them being teenagers and the dinner table no longer being full at supper time,but the microwave was,with plates,the door no longer clattered,the phone no longer rang off the hook,it is endless of what no longer took place in our home.I felt all alone and wondered what was I to do,I even went to my family doctor feeling depressed,all alone and not wanted,or no longer needed,I was a mess,and my wee heart was broken.After having always done for them and them taking there first steps into independance,I was not sure I liked it,and know for certain I was not ready for it.But like everything else with time it got better,and as they found themselves,not always the right way I might add,I realized,I had done what I was suppose to,I had opened all the doors I could and set a foundation that was to set them free and be all that they could be.
Now they are older,and the middle one,who was somewhat of my ,I'm gonna keep you on your toes mom type of kid,are off on there own.Chad,the middle one has left home,and came back,and is now I feel in is final stage of growth when it comes to freedom,away from the nest.And as for Michael,my eldest,the one I thought would be with me till death due us part,forgetting that he was not my husband...lol,he to has left the nest,and once again mother was a wreck,and I cryed and guilted him into thinking it was wrong,that only lasted 2 days,thank goodness I grew up.
So has my home which now only houses me and my youngest of 15,soon to be 16,I say to myself,"I have done ALL I could ever do,they are strong,they are able,and they are productive individuals,and they have love,love they share,and I have set them on the path that has made them the beings I am so strongly proud of.
Now that reality has set in I must confess,my grocery bill is way lower,gotta love having extra cash,I have no one to answer to anyone,...lol,and I have alot of freedom to come and go as I wish,I am able to do things that for so very long I forgot I loved to do.
So when you think that you have faild,you have not,you have done all that you could have done,and he is strong,and he is growing and he knows that he is loved,what more could one ask.
By no means am I saying this is a easy task,after doing for so many years we get lost into who we really are,as we have given of our whole selfs,but it gets easier,trust me,and sometimes,even tho its tough we must watch them fall,and allow them to pick there own selfs up,one of the hardest things to do,but one of the best decissions we could ever make.
The pitter pater is no more,so make others noises,scream and shout,in extasy preferably....lol
All the best from one who knows only to well.
Cherie
Now they are older,and the middle one,who was somewhat of my ,I'm gonna keep you on your toes mom type of kid,are off on there own.Chad,the middle one has left home,and came back,and is now I feel in is final stage of growth when it comes to freedom,away from the nest.And as for Michael,my eldest,the one I thought would be with me till death due us part,forgetting that he was not my husband...lol,he to has left the nest,and once again mother was a wreck,and I cryed and guilted him into thinking it was wrong,that only lasted 2 days,thank goodness I grew up.
So has my home which now only houses me and my youngest of 15,soon to be 16,I say to myself,"I have done ALL I could ever do,they are strong,they are able,and they are productive individuals,and they have love,love they share,and I have set them on the path that has made them the beings I am so strongly proud of.
Now that reality has set in I must confess,my grocery bill is way lower,gotta love having extra cash,I have no one to answer to anyone,...lol,and I have alot of freedom to come and go as I wish,I am able to do things that for so very long I forgot I loved to do.
So when you think that you have faild,you have not,you have done all that you could have done,and he is strong,and he is growing and he knows that he is loved,what more could one ask.
By no means am I saying this is a easy task,after doing for so many years we get lost into who we really are,as we have given of our whole selfs,but it gets easier,trust me,and sometimes,even tho its tough we must watch them fall,and allow them to pick there own selfs up,one of the hardest things to do,but one of the best decissions we could ever make.
The pitter pater is no more,so make others noises,scream and shout,in extasy preferably....lol
All the best from one who knows only to well.
Cherie
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Thanks for you kind words and your insight and your telling me of your experience also. As the day has gone on today it has gotten better but i know later tonight i will berieve again so for tonight only i may just curl up with a bottle of wine with the notion of feeling sorry for myself and be blessed that i have two wonderful children. Or should i say adolesants as i have a girl who is 14 going on 25 and she will no doubt be doing the same in a few years.
You know there is nothing on this earth as powerful as the love between a mother and her young!
Magsy xx
You know there is nothing on this earth as powerful as the love between a mother and her young!
Magsy xx
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Magsy my heart goes out to you as I'm facing some of the same issues with my daughter (she is 17) .... I think its a matter of being confident that you have done all that you can do up to this point in time and learning to let go. There is a saying I like "There are two special gifts that we give our children; the first is roots and the second is wings."
My daughter is facing many extreme struggles ... many self-imposed and natural consequences and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me. My gift to her at this point in life is giving her problems to her to deal with so that she learns to be self-empowered. It doesn't mean that I don't offer support and encouragement or advice if she wants to talk it through, but it is her journey of life, her choices and mistakes to make and she needs to learn just as when she was a child that when she falls down she is able to get back up and keep on going. Is this a painful process for me? - hell yes because I want to rescue her and save her, but I can't until she is willing to reach out her hand and ask me to be there to help her support and encouragement.
My hearts desire is for her to come home and get her life back on track.
My daughter is facing many extreme struggles ... many self-imposed and natural consequences and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me. My gift to her at this point in life is giving her problems to her to deal with so that she learns to be self-empowered. It doesn't mean that I don't offer support and encouragement or advice if she wants to talk it through, but it is her journey of life, her choices and mistakes to make and she needs to learn just as when she was a child that when she falls down she is able to get back up and keep on going. Is this a painful process for me? - hell yes because I want to rescue her and save her, but I can't until she is willing to reach out her hand and ask me to be there to help her support and encouragement.
My hearts desire is for her to come home and get her life back on track.
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Wow Langley...........i really feel your hurt in that letter and thankyou for sharing it with me. I bet there are thousands of mums out there feeling the same way as we do right now.
He still has not made contact but i know he is okay. I sense it because if there was something wrong his girlfriends would be in touch immediately and she has not. I have deliberately chosed now not to send out a search party.............only my love so that he knows ........no matter what i am still here for him.
It is really weird as he gave me no trouble as a child...........no back cheek until recently.lol no tantrums like his sis and has always been so helpful. His sis gave me so much grief from the age of 11 until now and she is 15 in Jan that i felt like handing her over to the social services. We have come through it and our relationship is changing each day. One of respect for each other and i guess i have let her do a lot more than her bro being the second child as you have tried and tested the trials with the first and your fears of " he cant do this because that might happen!" tend to be less when the second one comes along although i was strict with her also and still am to a certain point but as long as i have a number and a name i trust her. if she lies she is not letting me down she is letting herseld down but i take into consideration that we were all young once and dont tell our folks everything...lol
Funny thing is i am going through a change in my life also which stems from being on this site ...............lol His name is Dave and he is from NZ. We have chatted since almost day one i joined here (4mths)and now he calls me every single day. He wants to come to see me next month and is torn as his mam is dying of cancer as we speak. However i think he finally going to take the plunge and if he does i will keep you posted!! Other than that i will not say anymore as i am keeping my cards close until we meet and i really cant wait for that!!! lol
Thankyou all for your advise and stories........It has been a help to me in coming to terms with what is happening. I really do appreciate it. Bless you all xxxx
He still has not made contact but i know he is okay. I sense it because if there was something wrong his girlfriends would be in touch immediately and she has not. I have deliberately chosed now not to send out a search party.............only my love so that he knows ........no matter what i am still here for him.
It is really weird as he gave me no trouble as a child...........no back cheek until recently.lol no tantrums like his sis and has always been so helpful. His sis gave me so much grief from the age of 11 until now and she is 15 in Jan that i felt like handing her over to the social services. We have come through it and our relationship is changing each day. One of respect for each other and i guess i have let her do a lot more than her bro being the second child as you have tried and tested the trials with the first and your fears of " he cant do this because that might happen!" tend to be less when the second one comes along although i was strict with her also and still am to a certain point but as long as i have a number and a name i trust her. if she lies she is not letting me down she is letting herseld down but i take into consideration that we were all young once and dont tell our folks everything...lol
Funny thing is i am going through a change in my life also which stems from being on this site ...............lol His name is Dave and he is from NZ. We have chatted since almost day one i joined here (4mths)and now he calls me every single day. He wants to come to see me next month and is torn as his mam is dying of cancer as we speak. However i think he finally going to take the plunge and if he does i will keep you posted!! Other than that i will not say anymore as i am keeping my cards close until we meet and i really cant wait for that!!! lol
Thankyou all for your advise and stories........It has been a help to me in coming to terms with what is happening. I really do appreciate it. Bless you all xxxx
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You see he has been miserable for weeks, not long finished his standard grades in school and had said to me weeks ago he could not stand the studying any longer..........it was too much for him!! He had gone to stay at his real Dad's house last October stating it was for support for his forthcoming exams and said he would return in June May when they were all over and he did except he never stayed. He has got himself a girlfriend now who is very sweet but the same age as him.................sweet sixteen!! The look so muc in love it is unreal. I think she is his first love.
The long and short of this tale is that after coming home this past Sunday from a family trip ( both my son and girl and their partners) I wake up on the Monday morning (yesterday) to find his bed empty. There was a note telling me he had left home...........and stating not to get all dramatic as he would be safe and he could not stand being treated like a kid anymore. He wanted to do his own thing.
He said sorry for letting me down but this is what he had to do.
Over the past few weeks he has stated that he wanted to leave school and study no more. I tried to encourage him to wait until he got his exam results in Aug and then make his decision but it seems he has already made it.
You want to know the truth i feel like it was me who let him down as there must have been missed communication for him to just leave like that and this morning i guess i feel like my right arm has been cut off and it hurts like hell. I know he will come back sometime but it is not knowing that is gonna be hard. This i guess is what is called the emptying of the nest syndrome...............and i am sure there are loads of you out there who have experienced the same thing.All we can do is give guidance and let them live their lives but now i know how my mam felt when i came home and told her at 18 i was moving out and in with my boyfriend.
Anyway that's all folks............:-)
Magsy x