any funny jokes ( Archived) (32)

lmao --good jokes crypt !

Things kinda slowed down on here and I got bored...lmao

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is m**turbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

little suzy comes home from kindegarten and says " mommy i know where babies come from" the mother says "oh?" suzy says "well the mommy unzips tthe daddys pants and starts to kiss his willy all over " the mother says" oh suzy ..that is not where babies come from!that is where jewelery comes from"....
that is a texan joke

Sorry! Don't know any.

I thunk of one.

Cop pulls me over and asked if I had any I.D. I said any I.D. bout what.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute! "She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.*

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and
said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! two
tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a
wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a
wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and
abracadabra!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story...Men can be a bit ungrateful... And fairies
are female.