any funny jokes ( Archived) (32)

i love a good laugh. as long as I am not the one being laughed at.lol

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed
>home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed "Dear
Lord: I
>go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home.
>
>I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch
>with mine for a day Amen.
>
>God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,
sure
>enough, the man awoke as a woman.
>
>He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their
>school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to
>school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners
>
>And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
>drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the
>checkbook.
>
>He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
>
>Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry,
>vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
>
>Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on
>the way home.
>
>Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework,
>then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
>At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded
>the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
>
>After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry,
>bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,
>though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
>expected to make love, which he managed to get through without
complaint.
>
>The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
Lord,
>I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being
>able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
>
>The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned
>your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were.
>
>You'll just have to wait nine months, though You got pregnant last
night."
>

Jesus and Moses are sitting in an outdoor cafe having lunch. The cafe is picturesquely located next to a lake. Moses says: "Hey Jesus, you ever wonder if you still, you know, got it?"
"Got it?" says Jesus.
"Yeah, you know... the power to do miracles and such," replies Moses. "It's been such a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I still got it in me."
Jesus points to Moses' bowl of soup and says: "Give it a try."
With an intrigued expression on his face, Moses holds his hands over the soup, and slowly spreads them apart. Slowly, the soup parts down the middle, until there are distinct lobes of soup to the right and left of the bowl, and the bottom of the bowl is clearly visable in the center. With a bemused smile on his face, Moses allows the soup to rejoin.
"Hunh. Guess I still got it!" He then looks sideways, toward the lake, and says "Hey, Jesus... why don't you go for a little walk?"
"Worth a shot!" says Jesus, as he walks around the cafe's railing, to the lakeshore. He sets one foot on the surface of the water, then, carefully, the other. Carefully, he takes a few tentative steps away from the shore, his feet never sinking below the surface. Looking surprised, and somewhat satisfied, he turns to give Moses the thumbs up.
And sinks into the lake like a stone.
"Damn" he sputters, as he drags himself back to the shore, and into the cafe's patio "I guess it just ain't in me anymore."
"Dude, I wouldn't worry," says Moses. "Remember, the last time you tried that, you didn't have holes in your feet!"

Adam is down at his local with a beer in hand and looking down in the mouth. God stops by, orders a cold beer and says, "What's the matter Adam? Why so down?"
Adam says, "Well I don't mean to be ungrateful but I'm a bit lonely. You know the horse you made me to ride is great. I speed through the countryside and the dog that runs beside us is great ... But I feel like I need someone a bit more like me."
"I'll tell you what," says God, "As soon as I've got the Moon properly balanced out there so the tides work as they should I'll make you a companion."
"Really!" asks Adam, "What will you make me?"
"How about we call her Woman," says God. "She'll be the most intelligent companion that you could get. Her disposition will be fantastic. She will be caring and gentle. Logic and reason will be part of her make-up. She will be satisfied in herself so that you always feel comfortable around her and she with you ... Oh, I'm on a roll here ... I'm getting some really good ideas ..."
"Sounds GREAT!" says Adam, "Can you give me a quote? What do you reckon Woman will set me back?"
"Wellllll," says God, "Reason and logic centres are pretty expensive ... Self confidence tweeks take time ... labor intensive you see ... I'll probably need your left leg, right arm and your nose ..."
"Ohhhhh toooo much," moans Adam, "Tell you what, what can you throw together for a rib?"

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However,even on full power,the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one hunter asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

So a guy walks into a bar...............................................


















The next guy ducked.





I know I know...it's sad

Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey!

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one a big party last night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning, when it ended.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?

A: To a crow bar.

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do.
Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."