Joke of the Day (112)
had lots of practice have you!......
well i wouldn't go that far, however i once made love to a woman who was 47 stone. she was that fat i kept burning my bum on the electric light bulb. she said"your magic dont stop" i said"no problem just dont turn that bloody light off"
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
When I had been married 25 years,
I took a look at My wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap flat, a cheap car,
Slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black & White TV, but I got To sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and Plasma screen TV, But I'm Sleeping with a 50-year old woman.
It seems to me that you're not Holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde,
and she would make sure I would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed,
and watching a 10" black & white TV..
Aren't older women great!
I took a look at My wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap flat, a cheap car,
Slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black & White TV, but I got To sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and Plasma screen TV, But I'm Sleeping with a 50-year old woman.
It seems to me that you're not Holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde,
and she would make sure I would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed,
and watching a 10" black & white TV..
Aren't older women great!
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
very goodExcellent!! Love it.
What happened to the ducks that were stepped on? Hoi sin sauce, anyone?!!!
Tee hee! (Sorry to all those vegetarians out there, really sorry!)
Dx.
What happened to the ducks that were stepped on? Hoi sin sauce, anyone?!!!
Tee hee! (Sorry to all those vegetarians out there, really sorry!)
Dx.
Thanks Lily, that was brilliant!
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
#609
Thanks to: Dan - Oak Island - North Carolina - USA.
rec.:Mar/11/2000 pub.:Mar/11/2000 sent:Oct/13/2006
Ranking: 3.74 / 484
Ranking 1 Bad 2 Not That Bad 3 Pretty Good 4 Good 5 Very Funny
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Good morning all...
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
#609
Thanks to: Dan - Oak Island - North Carolina - USA.
rec.:Mar/11/2000 pub.:Mar/11/2000 sent:Oct/13/2006
Ranking: 3.74 / 484
Ranking 1 Bad 2 Not That Bad 3 Pretty Good 4 Good 5 Very Funny
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Good morning all...
I've edited this one better!...
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
2 women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead,
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead,
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!
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After about 15 minutes she taps him on the shoulder and hands him another handfull.
When she offers a third time he asks "why don't you eat them yourself"
"we can't chew em cos we've no teeth" came the reply.
" we just like the chocolate round them"