Ground Control to Major Tom (5)
In response to: Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little too quickly and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able..
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!""God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Have you got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Finally an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, :
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little too quickly and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able..
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!""God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Have you got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Finally an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, :
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
------ This thread is Archived ------
Airline pilots use a logbook to report problems to ground repair crew.
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.
(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.
(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.
(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.
(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.
(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.
(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.
(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.
(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.
(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.
(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.
(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.
(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.
(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.
(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.
(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.
(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
------ This thread is Archived ------
Being a retired 737 pilot I just love em !!!!
------ This thread is Archived ------
DjWabbet: Airline pilots use a logbook to report problems to ground repair crew.
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.
(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.
(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.
(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.
(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.
(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.
(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.
(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.
(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Sometimes the ground crew are smartasses.
(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.
(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.
(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.
(P) - The autopilot doesn't.
(E) - IT DOES NOW.
(P) - Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
(E) - Fresh seat cushion on order.
(P) - Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
(E) - Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
(P) - Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
(E) - Pilot removed from aircraft.
(P) - #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) - Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
(P) - Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
(E) - Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
(P) - Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
(E) - Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
(P) - Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
(E) - Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
(P) - Flight attendant cold at altitude.
(E) - Ground checks OK.
(P) - 3 roaches in cabin.
(E) - 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
(P) - Weather radar went ape!
(E) - Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Good ones!------ This thread is Archived ------
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TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little too quickly and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able..
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Have you got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Finally an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, :
"Wasn't I married to you once?"