Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little too quickly and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able..
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Have you got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Finally an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, :
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and nearly sh...s himself as he sees a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He spins round and takes off like the Road Runner along the path. He glances over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him. He looked again,and the bear was even closer, and then......he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him. It reached towards him with its left paw and raised the right paw to strike.
'Oh my dear Gawd!' the Atheist cried.
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man,and a voice came out of the sky.
"You have denied my existence for all these years. You teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'No' he said. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now. But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ....
"Very well," said the voice ... "
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear brought both paws together, bowed its head & spoke.
"Thank you Lord, and Bless this food which I am about to receive."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro between them.
'Hang on a minute, I have an idea.' Murphy said.
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
'Are you crazy? says Shamus. 'Now we don't have any ruddy money at all!'
'Don't worry' Murphy replied, 'just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got a penny to pay for these drinks !!' shouted Shamus.
Murphy replied with a smile. 'Don't you worry Shamus me son. I have a plan'
They swiftly downed their drinks. 'OK,' Murphy said, ' now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
Shamus reluctantly agreed and did as Murph suggested. The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
'How do you think I feel? Murphy said, 'I can't even remember which pub I lost the bloody sausage in.
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is truly wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
She then went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, i.e. her legs, hands, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," God replied , "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. I see that you are right though and I will fix it up right away."
So God reached down removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "except fo one thing. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see.... where did I put that useless Tit?"
The Lone Ranger was in a heap of trouble. The Indians had captured him and the Big Chief had given him three wishes and three days to live.
He thought for a moment, and then asked the Big Chief if he could talk to his trusty steed Silver before he died. The big Chief agreed.
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver and whispered in his ear. Away Silver galloped, returning 3 hours later with a beautiful blonde who took one look at the Lone Ranger and decided to spend the night with him.
The Big Chief was impressed and agreed to the Lone Ranger speaking to Silver once more.
The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver’s ear again. Silver galloped away and three hours later came back with this truly voluptuous brunette who again fell for the Lone Ranger and decided to spend the night with him.
The Big Chief was truly impressed and again agreed that the Lone Ranger could speak to Silver.
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by his ears, looked straight into his eyes and said. “Listen very carefully.
For the last time, I said............’BRING POSSEE’”.
Defense Lawyer: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Lawyer: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Lawyer: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Lawyer: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Lawyer: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Lawyer: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Lawyer: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Lawyer: And did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little *******
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
One night in a beautiful dream, the Lord said to me 'Son, since you have tried so hard to be true in all the many troubles you have had, I will grant you one wish'
I thought long and hard and finally said' Lord, build me a bridge from London to Barbados, so that I can drive there whenever I want to chill out and fully appreciate what life has to offer'
To which God said 'Son, such a bridge will be very expensive and damaging to the environment and the seas. Think of something else that would be more beneficial to mankind'
After further thought I said. 'Lord I wish all men could really understand women and be able make to make them truly happy'
And God replied 'Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?
OooYouAreAwful Forum Posts (12)
Ground Control to Major Tom
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little too quickly and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able..
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Have you got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Finally an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, :
"Wasn't I married to you once?"