The conquerors ( Archived) (9)

Reading through the profiles I seem to see a lot of hope and strength. "Only contact me if you have left you baggage behind" and "We all have pasts", but we all look forward to the future. The baggage is pushed behind, trampled upon and buried as if never existed. We move on as if we are clean and strong - and victorious!...

But what is left behind is failure... We pretend it was a success and move into the next relationship with our inability to conquer, for we failed... and we repeat the experient again... and again... hoping that next time around it will be different... and the same approach will bring victory!

But we change nothing... it is the same us with the same weaknesses and frailties, with the same faults and intolerances... and though we hope that this time things will be certainly different and we will make it... we are already equipped to fail again... well before we enter another relationship....

Look at the photos of smiling faces... they will cry a few years on... the face full of hope turns dry and desolate... lifeless..., the smile fades away and tears trickle down the deepening wrinkles... but we get used to the pain and do it again... and again..., the same way in a never ending cycle with the hope that something will finally be different...

But what can be different?... Only the pain tolerance of others... for nothing ever changes... we remain the same... because nothing is ever our fault.

some pretty good points!!

BUT ....

What is "failure" and what is "victory"?
WHO defined that? Our parents? Our society? Our culture? Our teachers? Our polititions? The media?

Having the guts to say NO!! to something that isn't working for YOU can be seen from the outside as a failure whether it be relationship, job, friendship, living environment. But to the person saying the NO! it can be a victory of personal growth in setting healthy boundries for their welbeing...

The next step would be owning ones own role in any situation in order to be able to do it different next time!! So I agree with you that just "walking away" without identifying what patterns were at play, and in which way one contributed to the situation would serve little purpose!!

Also learning to really see "what is there" rather than looking for things that would confirm "our ideal" while ignoring and discarding ALL the rest of the information before our eyes would go a long way to more positive outcomes.

However, we can only learn about relationships and relationship growth while being in one!! Otherwise it's just theory!! And we all know the best learning is done with practise!!

IMO

I forgot to mention that while we are full of "judgements" about ourselves that is exactely what will project into our relationships, until we are able to accept and love ourselves warts and all. Then we can accept and love another warts and all ...

we need to fail..
we need baggage..
we need to come through all that to..
MAKE US ...US

What if a relationship is an action-reaction... the responses are caused by our actions... the others are wrong, but what if it was our insensitivity, our lovelessness that led them to act like that?...

Who started it?... I don't know... finding the root causes is hard.

If it was our insensitivity, our lovelessness that led them to act like that then we KNOW what part WE played in the situation. We can then work on reconnecting with our sensitivity and loving.

If a relationship is about "action-reaction" neither is trully being WHO they are or doing what they feel in their heart.

Most "reactions" are rooted a long long way away in the past, a lot linked to memories of when we were growing up, young adulthood or a trauma in our adult life. Therefore the "reaction" can be irrational within the context of the current situation, and could be that of say a 5 year old instead of an adult. The only way to work on elliminating such reactions is to try to trace it back to it's origine and heal the wound to dis-empower its impact on the present.

Each person can only work on themselves, but as you do and you act differently so the "reaction" from the other would be different and so by working on yourself you can in effect implement changes in the relationship.

It doesn't matter WHO started it!! Who cares!! It's not about blame it's about doing something that will bring a better future for you and all your relationships (lover, sibblings, friends, children, colleagues etc.)

oh dear!cheer up man

Hi R!!! Your OP is way too negative for me!! Not buying it at all!!