IT's a wierd feeling when you finally lose a child that was born to die.
Part of me was happy for her, happy that she didn't have to deal with her affliction anymore. Part of me wanted to breathe life back into her and another part of me didn't actually believe it had really happened.
My emotions ran high, I wouldn't let her go, I held on to her until we placed her in the care of the funeral director, somehow, inside, I felt like she was watching me, I know it sounds strange, but I really did feel her presence surrounding me.
The next few days were full of well wishers, people stopped round to give us food, money, flowers, sympathy and advice.......... and I didn't want any of it, I just wanted my girl back
On the day of her funeral I had had enough, I was all out of emotion, I couldn't cry, I couldn't laugh, smile or anything.
We had a lovely service which everyone who ever knew Jordon attended, then afterwards they came back to our place & we had to be good hosts & serve coffee & tea & cakes and little finger sandwiches and act like everything was ok....... I just wanted everyone to leave.
Then suddenly, they were gone, the silence was unbelievable!
And so I closed another chapter in my life, at least I thought I had.
Somewhere in my warped mind, I believed that life would just return to normal after Jordon, my partner & I would carry on being in love & the girls would be fine. I really thought WE would be fine.
But it wasn't to be, my partner & I grieved separately, I didn't want to tell her how I was feeling cos I thought she didnt need my stuff on top of hers and I didn't listen to her talking cos I had enough on my plate too. She had her cousin to talk to and I had no one, why should I listen when she told me how she was feeling?
I became suicidal.........
In my mind I felt that God had taken away my only goal in life and left me with no one to share with. The only person I felt I could confide in was Jordon and the only way I thought I could talk to her was to die.
Eventually my partner & I broke up and I was totally alone.
I moved to a little farming community in Taranaki with a friend of mine & his wife. I thought that by living away from my ex & the kids I could get my head together & become a better person but I just became more withdrawn & isolated.
I cant remember when I finally saw my life as an opportunity & stopped the suicide attempts, but the long and short of it is, I did, and I am a stronger person for it now.
I moved around a bit before returning to live with my mother in Palmerston North, I worked hard at getting my life back on track, I got a job, brought a car & started working on my soul by writing poetry, the frst poem I wrote was for Jordon, called,"I Understand"
It was the first sign that I would be ok, I wasnt healed but I knew from reading it that I would.......................
For anyone interested, I will post that poem next & return for part 14 later
Do you think it might be possible that God gave you these emotions so that you could learn the power of overcoming them?
Just because you HAVE an emotion doesn't mean you have to LIVE with that emotion.
Have you EVER liked someone & wished they would notice you because your fear of rejection or shyness held you back from saying hi?
I bet everyone has.
I know from experience that it hurts too and I don't want to ever think again, "I wonder if we could've......."
Every day i'm going to try something out of my comfort zone and at the end of my life i'm gonna look back and (hopefully) say, "I tried everything I wanted to, I have no regrets"
Thats exactly my point! Too many people are shy or fear rejection or something!
We all have a reason why we DONT do something, but if we can overcome the fear, take a bold step & actually make our voices heard, we might just fulfill dreams.
It's got to be better to know either way than live with 'What ifs!" doncha think??
joshtaal Forum Posts (335)
Part 13 
RE: What song are you listening to,part three.
Right Now 2004 - Atomic KittenI have my i-tunes on party shuffle!!