after being alone for almost 6 years and waging many battles with the loneliness demon i thought i'd finally come to terms with it . . i thought i'd wrestled with it, talked with it, argued with it, and laughed with it enough times that i'd finally beaten it . . one thing i've certainly done is come to know it very well.
but it turns out it was just taking a break . . and its back. its not as scary as it used to be . . i dont feel like i need to run away from it . . its more like someone that i just dont want to be around . . an unwelcome relative that makes me feel uncomfortable . . and one that i used to be very ashamed of.
for so long i was ashamed of my loneliness . . god forbid anyone ever found out i was lonely . . . so i didnt tell anyone about it. for years i kept my sad secret. the interesting thing is that when i finally began owning up about it the loneliness began to loosen its grip. maybe it had already began to do that which enabled me to tell people . . but whatever it was the more people i told the better i began to feel and suddenly it wasnt there any longer.
and so for the past little while i've been telling people that i've beaten it . . that i was finally totally happy being alone . . and for a while there i was . . but whaddayakno . . look whos back.
so i'm not going to keep it to myself this time . . i'm not going to be ashamed this time . . i'm going to tell people . . i'm feeling lonely . . I'M FEELING LONELY!! that was me yelling it out . .
and you know what i actually feel a little better already.
i read recently that there is only one real cure for loneliness and that is solitude . .
and i tend to agree with that . .
everything else (another relationship, drugs, alcohol etc.) is just temporary relief from being alone with ourself . . even being on here is relieving the loneliness . .
so what is it thats so hard about being alone with ourselves? i've asked myself that questions many times . . because sometimes i just love being alone . . in fact the i've found that the longer i'm single the more i love my own company . . and love spending time just being with my own darling self.
i guess what i'm asking here is "what is loneliness"? because i'm not sure if its the same for everyone.
fear is definitely a part of it for me. there are times when i feel so damn afraid and alone and lonely. yes fear is definitely in the mix of loneliness for me. especially fear of being in alone in the world as it is right now . . theres so much crazy stuff happening out there and everything is changing so fast. i think it takes a lot of courage being alone in the world these days. especially for a woman . . i'd love to hear what men have to say aobut that.
and as i said in my first blog i felt really ashamed about being lonely . . how sad is that?
and speaking to others i find that its common to feel ashamed of being lonely . . apparently some people are deeply ashamed of being lonely.
shame is such a disempowering thing . . so it just makes the loneliness worse. shame makes it so difficult to reach out to others in an authentic way becasue we're always trying to cover up our shame.
and why is it even more difficult being lonely with someone than when we're alone. i've heard a lot of people say that . . so why is that so hard? a few people have answered that one already on here, but i'd love to hear what others have to say.
peace and love to you all.
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