Were did I go this time? I can remember saying to myself several times dont do this back out its going to be the same river you have gone down several times, but I paddled forward I said its not the same, I said this is different, cant be again, he said he wasnt like that. Why is it that you dont see the truth in someone until its to late, or you have wasted so much of your time, and theres, ruined and lost a little of yourself, and put the lifes around you in the same boat, I want to just paddle to the shore, or just jump, we dont need a life jacket we will take our chances.....thats were I am at right now...but when I jump ship, how much water will me and my kids swallow this time. How much water will the boat with his kids take on before it makes it to the shore. Who do I worry about the most, do I save my part of the family and just let his drown or do I stay on the boat and we all drown....why cant the skipper of this ship pull his head out and start paddling along with us and help save us all....or does he really just want to be alone on the next island we come to...
I hate cancer and I'm sure I'm not alone...my supervisor which is also a dear friend of mine and the kindest and best person in the world has bone cancer. Three yrs ago she had a kidney removed because of cancer and went 2 yrs without any trace, then last winter they found traces of it on her ribs and spin....kemo which nearly killed her and treatments every month put the cancer on hold until now...she went back in last friday for her scan and found out the following monday that there were more spots...she had been holding her side and complaining her back had been hurting and nobody wanted so assume the worse even though in our heart and minds we all knew...it had spread..spread so bad the it has eaten away part of her right side (ribs). The doctor asked her how she was even functioning...she is so strong willed she has the will to survive....and my boss the owner of the company I work for just found out his wife has brain cancer...they removed one tumor and are going to shoot the other one with kemo, not sure how often, they are going to the cancer institute in Utah tomorrow to see what plan of action they need to take....and her I am complaining about my arthritis....no more...why does God work this way, I know people say he has a plan but why not use his plan on the people that dont deserve to be here...and yes I am selfish I dont want him to take my dear friend away from me right now, I dont want her to suffer.....I dont want her family to hurt when she is gone....I dont want...
Why are you even here, why cant you just disapear, do you not have the cuts to take care of this pain, or is it the pain you would leave behind that you are afraid of. Pain not that you would feel but the pain you would leave behind with others, not understanding what happened, what did we do wrong, or what will I do without her, were will I go, what will I do. WHY...You have put others before you for so long, that is who you are, how could you just think about yourself right now....but living with pain inside like this, is it putting them first to quit or is it thinking of yourself....what pain will be the worse, living in pain or dying in pain.
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