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I have to get this off my chest,

so that I can feel better.

I have not had an easy life. I'm hoping it gets better. Things are looking up for me. Anyway, here it goes.

My mother hated me when I was growing up. She mentally and physically beat me. I forgave her 12 years ago for it. I still don't understand till this day why she did those things to me and not my sisters, but I'm glad they didn't have to go through what I did.

I got married at 15 and had my first child at 16. My husband physically beat me also. I forgave him 10 years ago. I know now that we were to young to get married and have a baby. I'm sorry I made his life miserable. I was so much in love with him.

The man I am with now beat me for the for the first 9 years of us being together. I'm glad he doesn't do that now. I'm sorry I forced myself on him. I wished I had listened to everyone about him, but I didn't. I know I have done wrong in our relationship. I just hope one day that he will forgive me for I forgave him for the things he has done to me. I wish he would let go some of his hated that he has about somethings. Carrying a grudge is not healthy. I have matured alot in these past for years and I am doing right by him. He quit drinking for me and made his life better. But we just can't seem to get along still. We can't stand to be in the same room together. We can't agree on anything. One day he will have to not worry about me any more. Maybe then he will be happy for I cannot make him happy. I have tried and tried until I am tired of trying. I give up. I just don't know how or what to do to make him happy. I can't function like a real human being any more. I just wish he would understand that. I'm still trying to get use to the changes in my body. Having a hysterectomy is not an easy thing to get over. The chronic pain hurts like h*** at times. Why can't he understand this? I know I am not an easy person to get along with, but he isn't either. So many problems. So much controversary.

Yes I have tried talking to him about these things, but he is a hard head. I feel better now.

Comments (19)

j_goose
JMO....you're in a dangerous relationship.

He USED to beat you? What stops him from doing it now?

It's only a matter of time before he snaps..I know..I've seen it more than once.

Leave.....
sensitive
What stopped him from beating me, he got tired of being locked up. I am planning on leaving soon, soon as I can. Thanks. hug
j_goose
You have to....

Good luck to you...
sensitive
Thanks goose. Soon very soon.
sxc666
Get out of there Mary you are to good for that.hug kiss
sensitive
Thank you Tina. I am soon very soon. I'm getting things in order and getting ready to move out. hug
sxc666
Good girl, be brave, stay strong. It will all work out in the end. It will be a long hard road, but you have to stand up and fight for a better life, the one you deserve.hug
sensitive
Good girl, be brave, stay strong. It will all work out in the end. It will be a long hard road, but you have to stand up and fight for a better life, the one you deserve.

Tina
Yeah it will be hard at first, but I know I can do it. Thank you again. Your very kind. hug
Hugz_n_Kissez
You know what you need to do honey...Get your shit together....Get strong and do it....There isn't any sense in lving in the past and how things were...You have forgiven and that's the main thing because forgiveness is for us and not the other person...The hows and whys are no longer important...One quote I really like is this because it's true...

"You can never go back and change the past...but you can start from today and change the future"

Luv Ya g/f...hug hug kiss
sensitive
You know what you need to do honey...Get your shit together....Get strong and do it....There isn't any sense in lving in the past and how things were...You have forgiven and that's the main thing because forgiveness is for us and not the other person...The hows and whys are no longer important...One quote I really like is this because it's true...

"You can never go back and change the past...but you can start from today and change the future"

Luv Ya g/f...

Thank you Hugz,
I'm working on getting my shit together. It won't be long now and I will be free of this life that I am living right now. I agree with you. Loves ya and take care. hug
kes65
Hi i am very sad to hear your story. It is very difficult
to break the cycle of abuse, and the abuser always tends to
constantly make you feel as if you some how deserve it.
Unfortunately you carry the child with in you as an adult, and
when you have grown up in such an inviroment, there is something
almost comforting and familiar about abuse. You have to find the strength that you have inside,
and you most certainly have it, or you could never have survived
this far, to be brave and stop it. You! are the only person who can.
The human spirit is an amazing thing.
You have already shown that you are capable to survive, and survive
i have no doubt you will.
You need to learn to love your self.
My heart goes out to you, be strong!!!!

hug
marie58
I sent you a comment earlier i thought dont know whats happened to it anyway i agree with most things already said you have to get out of this relationship because it was based on abuse and i understand why you are wondering nothings changing for the better. Things actually are as you have had the courage to be honest about your hurts and abusive background which is a very admirable trait and proof of your potential as a valid human being. you need to heal yourself with the right support this can be done counselling can also help becoming an independant individual is another way to gaining self respect you have not been respected by others or loved. you need to learn to love yourself which is a very hard thing to do when nobody else ever has you have so much potential what about education sometimes that can help also to sort out where you are have you also thought you could channel all your experiences into helping others through eduction ie x drug addicts make the best drug consellors think of these things you have a lot to offer with the right support and determination
sensitive
Hi i am very sad to hear your story. It is very difficult
to break the cycle of abuse, and the abuser always tends to
constantly make you feel as if you some how deserve it.
Unfortunately you carry the child with in you as an adult, and
when you have grown up in such an inviroment, there is something
almost comforting and familiar about abuse. You have to find the strength that you have inside,
and you most certainly have it, or you could never have survived
this far, to be brave and stop it. You! are the only person who can.
The human spirit is an amazing thing.
You have already shown that you are capable to survive, and survive
i have no doubt you will.
You need to learn to love your self.
My heart goes out to you, be strong!!!!

Thank you for your kind words. hug
sensitive
I sent you a comment earlier i thought dont know whats happened to it anyway i agree with most things already said you have to get out of this relationship because it was based on abuse and i understand why you are wondering nothings changing for the better. Things actually are as you have had the courage to be honest about your hurts and abusive background which is a very admirable trait and proof of your potential as a valid human being. you need to heal yourself with the right support this can be done counselling can also help becoming an independant individual is another way to gaining self respect you have not been respected by others or loved. you need to learn to love yourself which is a very hard thing to do when nobody else ever has you have so much potential what about education sometimes that can help also to sort out where you are have you also thought you could channel all your experiences into helping others through eduction ie x drug addicts make the best drug consellors think of these things you have a lot to offer with the right support and determination

Thank you. I am doing my education right now. I am learning alot of things. I am healing, slowly but surely. I am getting myself out of this situation. hug
dcj22
I know you've been working on getting to a position to leave for a while now. Just know that we are all on your side. hug
sensitive
Thank you Dana. It's a slow process, but I am getting there. hug
elegantlady
When I read your post I couldn't help but notice the blame you place on yourself! You are sorry for what? Many people don't understand the cycle of abuse. Why is that women who have been raised in dysfunctional families seem to choose men who exhibit the same kind of behaviour they endured during their childhood? Very often the answer lies within you. You have got to self evaluate and believe that you are worthy and that you deserve to be treated kindly. If you have children, the children are witnessing the abuse you are suffering. When they grow up they will repeat the behaviour they see, because "Children learn what they live". Women in abusive situations need a reality check, you are not going to change him! It doesn't matter how much you've "matured", obviously he has not. Even if he is no longer abusing you, it is clear that the two of you have issues. If you can't get along, you need to gather strength enough to leave him. I think sometimes as women we are so afraid of being alone that we would rather be miserable. It is unhealthy for you and your children and going through your most recent medical crisis is something that requires unconditional love and support. I hope you realise your self worth, that you are valueable and deserve all the good things that life has to offer. I hope you make the right decision. Until then, I am hopeful that things will work out for you.

hug
theoneAnonly
i dunno what was said in everyones post but ....

i dont know if youve learned yet but , someone can never depend on another peron to always keep them happy and make them feel good.You cant be happy with someone if you arent happy with yourself first.Once your learn to love every inch about who you really are you learn that people can only make you happier.For the ones that dont make you happier well guess what...f*ck em....you dont need anyone in your life that brings you down trust me ive been there.Maybe he isnt happy with you because he isnt happy with himself i dunno but i wish the best of luck to your and hope you find someone that only make your life better, and that for every time he makes you un happy he finds a way to make you twice as happier after he realizes it.

~head banger ~steve-o
jammie
Sometimes abuse changes us and the way we feel about ourselves. Sometimes it tricks us into being at risk to enter other abusive relationships. You might consider someone who does therapy or call a shelter. There might be an opportunity to learn new coping skills.... or just someone that really understands to listen.

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