So What?

Ever hear that expression as a part of a conversation (usually with a disconnected teen that you’re trying to reason with) and really take a moment to think about what it’s saying? Being challenged to justify your own opinion, your point, the thing you are trying to convey. We usually blow it off with more of our own justification, trying to win the point and get the other person to change their behavior.

But what we miss is an opportunity to address the real issue, not only to this other person but to ourselves as well. Our society has evolved in many different ways and not all of them good. We spend far too much time talking and far too less in listening and even less in thinking about what we have heard, said, or understood. Now, think about that statement. When was the last time you sat down with another person and spent the majority of your time listening to them? I’m talking about REALLY listening, digesting what they say, and thinking about what how it affects you? That, my friends, takes a great deal of work.

Years ago I learned that I was a regular motor-mouth; I’m referring to a man that talked nearly as much as he breathed and subsequently was boring as the day is long. God knows I was very fortunate to have one single friend out there that was bold enough to risk the friendship and point this out to me in an abrupt, painful way. Sure, I was mad at him, but after I got over that I started thinking about what he had told me and of course, he was right on the mark. So, in a somewhat smartass fashion, I said “if you are so damn smart, what do you suggest?”. Sadly, he has the answer all ready and from that day I learned to turn on my radio and listen to NPR. The fact that I listen to NPR isn’t the important fact; the important fact is that I was dealing with a media where listening was the main focus. I could hardly talk back to the radio, ask questions, toss out insults because none of those got any reaction. There was only listening, listening, and listening more and finally the light went on.

Listening; that was the point. That was I had been missing and once I discovered it again I realized I had been missing so many important things. One afternoon I suddenly laughed out loud, startling a few friends by my outburst. I had to explain to them that in that moment I had a flashback to something my father used to tell me as a boy. He’s say “boy, you need to learn to keep your eyes and ears open, and your mouth shut”. Four decades later the point came home and I laughed at having finally understood exactly what he meant, and cried a bit inside at the fact that he’s long since gone and I can’t share with him that his boy finally “got it”.

Perhaps, the next time you hear that exclamation “so what” you’ll remember that it’s really an invitation to reexamine your point and not only justify it to the listener, but to yourself as well. You may never change your opinion but one thing is for sure; you’ll know exactly “why” it is your opinion and that will make you a better communicator. It will also cause you to listen a bit harder to the other person, and in the long run, that’s going to make you a more effective communicator as well as a person that will be far more thoughtful about what you say.