these kinds of people part 1

i was hungover when i left around 2pm so the cold air was refreshing and i felt pretty calm coz my nerves were too f*cked to give a shit.

the doctor i saw was a complete f*cking tool
at one point he said something along the lines of:

"well if (the psychiatrist) thinks there's something wrong with you, doesn't that tell you that there must be?"

there's nowhere to go from there really is there?
he's completely wrong & i'm completely right.
even if there is actually something wrong with me i win this one on principle.
like Psychiatrists don't make mistakes?!
f*cking douche....

"no. that just means that someone thinks there's something wrong with me.... that doesn't mean there is"

in the end he didn't give me the sedatives i was looking for. says it's up to the shrink.

turning the corner, on the way out of the building, with my head down slightly, i noticed 2 nasty f*cks on their way in, i never looked up at them, i didn't have to, i just recognised their clothes & the way they carried themselves, these kinds of people are why i don't leave the house.
i continued to look down, hoping like hell that they wouldn't really notice me...
i turned my body slightly to create more room for them to get past me...
now that i think about it, everything about me was screaming subservience.
not much i can do about that. these guys scare me. everything i do will be an act of fear.
i just want to get back home. leave me alone.

i had just lost sight of them out of the corner of my eye when one of them barked "Hey how you doin man?! You remember me?!"

these kinds of guys knock the wind out of me as soon as i see them.
& their grating, aggressive tones don't do my solar plexus any good either.....
or my intestines for that matter

i attract the exact things i'm trying to avoid.
like the weight of my expectation is so heavy it just pulls in whatever is on my mind at the time.

he asked if i remembered him.

i had never seen him in my life.

i took a long, squinted look at him, with a kind of puzzled smile on my face... looking like i was gonna say something

finally, i shook my head & laughed a little... a nervous laugh, but not overly nervous because of the hangover

"sorry man i think you've got me confused with someone else"

"nah! i used to go out with your ex girlfriend!"

i'm f*cking laughing inside, no way in hell would my ex go near this guy.
it's just not possible... not even if i was completely delusional.

that's the honest & correct answer but of course i was never gonna say that...
even though that was the dominant thought in my head and those f**kers can sometimes just slip out
or people can just instantly pick up on them... and maybe he did...
he didn't like me either way...
i mean he must've really thought he knew me & was just tryin' to rub this shit in about him f*cking my ex...
OR he was making this shit up because he didn't like the look of me & thought he would just f*ck with me...

he looks like a 35yr old junkie

my gf was a quiet girl & gorgeous.... there are no words for how unlikely the possibility of them being "together" (in just about ANY sense) is/was

but he's not accepting that he's got me confused with someone else....
for whatever reason....

"she's got blonde hair right?"

"my ex gf has blonde hair yeah"

(that really narrows it down huh?)

"I USED TO GO OUT WITH HER!"

i instantly dismiss the the notion...
multiple times in quick succession.
i'm practically saying "this is just not possible... we're not in the same league"
in hindsight i realise that my dismissal was so obvious that i was lucky he didn't pick up on it as an insult & f*ck me up

(part 2)
http://tinyurl.com/k3c4qcd