Stuuuuuuuuupid Irish Jokes (24)
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks
he will buy the fifth drink for you"
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but
he swears every word is true."Well," asked the Englishman, "did this
actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister"
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks
he will buy the fifth drink for you"
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but
he swears every word is true."Well," asked the Englishman, "did this
actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath
A. Gaelic breath
PMSL @ the two of ya
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. ”You’d never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it in church.”He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me.” Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
“I got this one in church, too,” explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back.”
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. ”You’d never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it in church.”He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me.” Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
“I got this one in church, too,” explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back.”
cailin_beag: PMSL @ the two of ya
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. ”You’d never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it in church.”He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me.” Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
“I got this one in church, too,” explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back.”
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. ”You’d never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it in church.”He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me.” Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
“I got this one in church, too,” explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
“My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back.”
Hey, Little Girl - that is really funny...
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife’s place. ”Glory be!” said Mick. ” I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!
cailin_beag: Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife’s place. ”Glory be!” said Mick. ” I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!
Mary got married and went off on her honeymoon for a few weeks.
When she arrived back home her mum says, are you alright Mary you dont look to happy?
Mary replied,, jezus ma when Paddy took of his trousers getting for bed i noticed he only had one foot.
God says her mother, your very lucky.
Thats not lucky says Mary.
It is child, sure your father only had six inches.
When she arrived back home her mum says, are you alright Mary you dont look to happy?
Mary replied,, jezus ma when Paddy took of his trousers getting for bed i noticed he only had one foot.
God says her mother, your very lucky.
Thats not lucky says Mary.
It is child, sure your father only had six inches.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Excuse me, landlord, but do lemons have legs?' asked O'Connor.
'I don't think so, why do you ask?'
'Well, I think I've squeezed your budgie into me gin!'
'I don't think so, why do you ask?'
'Well, I think I've squeezed your budgie into me gin!'
Data63: Excuse me, landlord, but do lemons have legs?' asked O'Connor.
'I don't think so, why do you ask?'
'Well, I think I've squeezed your budgie into me gin!'
'I don't think so, why do you ask?'
'Well, I think I've squeezed your budgie into me gin!'
Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate O'Reilly said, 'What's the big deal?'
Doolin said,' Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.'
Doolin said,' Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years.'
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims:
Miles, from Dublin.'
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims:
Miles, from Dublin.'
Paddy takes his find to the antiques roadshow.
Upon inspecting the large, dusty object that paddy says has been in his loft for years, the presenter of the show asks paddy "do you have insurance", paddy replies in a expectant but hushed tone "do you think i need insurance is it a priceless artifact?"
"No" replies the presenter "its your fu#k#n hot water tank!"
Upon inspecting the large, dusty object that paddy says has been in his loft for years, the presenter of the show asks paddy "do you have insurance", paddy replies in a expectant but hushed tone "do you think i need insurance is it a priceless artifact?"
"No" replies the presenter "its your fu#k#n hot water tank!"
A newlywed couple on their first night of honeymoon are staying in a hotel, the woman is an ex of Tiger Woods .
After making love ,the man gets out of bed and goes to pick up the phone "what are you doing?" asks the wife "i was just calling roomservice to bring a bottle of bubbly" replies the husband, "Tiger Woods would never only make love to me once" she says so the man returns to bed and makes love to his young wife again,
Afterwards he gets out of bed again to call roomservice for a sandwich again the wife says "Tiger Woods would never leave after only twice" so again the man returns to bed to make love, this same scenario goes on 3 more times when the exhausted husband gets out of bed to use the phone, his insatiable wife says "no you cant have a sandwich ,bubbly or anything else, Tiger Woods would never leave me until i was completely satisfied!"
The young husband replies "i wasnt calling room service ,i was calling Tiger bloody Woods to see what`s par for this rotten bloody hole!"
After making love ,the man gets out of bed and goes to pick up the phone "what are you doing?" asks the wife "i was just calling roomservice to bring a bottle of bubbly" replies the husband, "Tiger Woods would never only make love to me once" she says so the man returns to bed and makes love to his young wife again,
Afterwards he gets out of bed again to call roomservice for a sandwich again the wife says "Tiger Woods would never leave after only twice" so again the man returns to bed to make love, this same scenario goes on 3 more times when the exhausted husband gets out of bed to use the phone, his insatiable wife says "no you cant have a sandwich ,bubbly or anything else, Tiger Woods would never leave me until i was completely satisfied!"
The young husband replies "i wasnt calling room service ,i was calling Tiger bloody Woods to see what`s par for this rotten bloody hole!"
food inspector in a bakery catches paddy using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of an apple tart..jesus paddy she roars have you no tool?? paddy looks up and says...yeah i do but i use that for the donuts
paddy and murphy were walking home after a heavy night on the beer, tired from their drinking they cannot walk anymore, the last bus home was hours ago and with no money for a cab they decide to break into the bus depot to steal a bus.
Paddy tells murphy to stand guard outside the door while he goes to hotwire a bus, after half an hour of waiting murphy shouts to paddy whats taking so long, paddy replies he cant find number 72! murphy shouts back ya daft eejit just nick the number 17 and we can walk from the roundabout
Paddy tells murphy to stand guard outside the door while he goes to hotwire a bus, after half an hour of waiting murphy shouts to paddy whats taking so long, paddy replies he cant find number 72! murphy shouts back ya daft eejit just nick the number 17 and we can walk from the roundabout
Cavan divorce
A man in Cavan calls his son in London a couple of days before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this". She calls Cavan immediately, and screams at her
father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."
A man in Cavan calls his son in London a couple of days before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this". She calls Cavan immediately, and screams at her
father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."
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Created: Feb 2010
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All you have to do is post the stupidist of stupid Irish Jokes!!
I'll go first!!
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman are on a skyscraper building site, they work right at the top and every day since work began they get the same ham sandwiches for lunch, they are all sick and tired of the same crap sandwiches that their wives make for them and so they sign a pact, if they get ham sandwiches again they will jump off the building, leaving a note for their wives explaining their plight. Sure enough the following day they open their lunchboxes to find ham sandwiches, so they write their suicide notes and jump. Hours later their distraught wives are reading the notes, the Englishmans wife says "If only he'd said, i'd have done something different" The Scotsmans wife agrees "Aye, if only he'd a said summat", the irishmans wife looks perplexed, "I don't understand" she says............... "He made his own sandwiches".
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