A man loses everything because of drinking: he sees empty bottles and smashes the first one swearing " u r the reason I don't have a wife" Smashes second one saying " you are the reason i don't have a job" picks up the third bottle and notices it is sealed and full of beer, he says " STAND ASIDE" "I KNOW YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED"
elssonLondon, Greater London, England UK1,864 posts
SHAHIDKHAN: A man loses everything because of drinking: he sees empty bottles and smashes the first one swearing " u r the reason I don't have a wife" Smashes second one saying " you are the reason i don't have a job" picks up the third bottle and notices it is sealed and full of beer, he says " STAND ASIDE" "I KNOW YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
SHAHIDKHAN: A man loses everything because of drinking: he sees empty bottles and smashes the first one swearing " u r the reason I don't have a wife" Smashes second one saying " you are the reason i don't have a job" picks up the third bottle and notices it is sealed and full of beer, he says " STAND ASIDE" "I KNOW YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED"
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."
"It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
SHAHIDKHAN: A man loses everything because of drinking: he sees empty bottles and smashes the first one swearing " u r the reason I don't have a wife" Smashes second one saying " you are the reason i don't have a job" picks up the third bottle and notices it is sealed and full of beer, he says " STAND ASIDE" "I KNOW YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED"
The teacher asks the class, " Where does the light go when we switch it off?" Only one boy raised his hand to answer. "Yes" asks the teacher, "where does the light go when we switch it off?"
"In my mother's mouth" replies the boy. "No, can't be" says the teacher.
"It's true" argues the boy,"every night I hear my father tell my mother, switch off the light dear, and put it in your mouth."
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