I just got out of a 1-month relationship. To tell you the truth I totally fell for her and she said she totally fell for me. Towards the end of the month there were signs that she was cheating with me. This was a few weeks ago. Today I heard from sources that she actaully WAS cheating on me -- with a friend of mine.
My question to all of you is why do people pretend they're in love and cheat like this and how can I make sure this kind of thing never happens to me again?
SirenLydiaBury St Edmunds, Suffolk, England UK4,138 posts
Hello.....
You can't make sure this does not happen again unfortunately.
But you can try to take your time to get to know someone, to be honest, from where I am, one month does not constitute a relationship, it is but a fleeting moment in your life.
chrissst.helens, Merseyside, England UK4,472 posts
hello ben, sorry about your split,you want me to tell you somthing mate,you cant make sure that it wont happen again,i was with my wife for close to a decade, she was also my best friend,even to up till the point she left to go live with a man that she didnt even know and just met once whilst i was there,so mate, you never can realy tel,i didnt think that she would ever do that and i knew her inside and out, or atleast i thort i did,but i can say that there are some very nice women out there and i hope you get your self a good one,takecare mate and keep your head up:)
Ben have you went to her and asked her if she was cheating on you and verified it? Did your friend say this? Are you acting on heresay? I may be wrong in writing this but are you sure that she did actually cheat on you?
LOL...This is the thread I wanted to post in..he he he
Hi Ben.. I found something else for you to read..here goes..
Expectations in Relationships
I expect nothing, I fear no one.... I am free - Nikos Kazantzakis
Would it surprise you to know that many times the expectations we have of others are born out of OUR OWN psyche, and have little to do with the person we have them about?
Expectations in relationships can begin when take our own ideals, standards, and views of things, and project them onto other people. We then anticipate that they will live in accordance with these standards.
Have you ever expected someone to be happy, sad, mad, afraid, or in some other emotional state, and have been surprised when they weren't? After all, that is how you would feel in the same situation. Or maybe you have been confused when you did something nice for someone that you expected them to like, but they weren't showing the enthusiasm about it that you thought they might? It was something you would have appreciated someone doing for you, so why didn't they like it you'd wondered.
As we project our life view onto others, we are assuming that they think and feel in a similar way that we would in the same situation, and we expect them to behave accordingly.
So, when someone close to us eventually does something that appears in deep contrast with the standards we have associated with them, we often feel hurt, betrayed, angry and confused. Our disappointment gets expressed in the kinds phrases we've all heard, or have even spoken ourselves... "I expected more from you", "You are the last person I'd ever have expected to do that", "You really let me down", "This is not like you at all" etc.
We profess this, however, having turned a blind eye to blunt behavioral evidence to the contrary on numerous occasions. We cleverly develop a tunnel vision where we only allow through, information that supports the view we have of who we WANT that person to be.
The truth is that people show us EXACTLY who they are through their everyday behaviors. We are aware of who they are at a deeper level within us. We need to stop fantasizing and pretending things are not as they are. To stop filtering and begin to pay attention to the REALITY of what others think and feel, and how they behave. We must acknowledge to ourselves, the truth of who they are as individuals. When we do this we let down the illusory veil we've kept around them, and can thereafter stop the futile behaviors of projecting and expecting.
Take a moment to think about someone for whom you have developed a set of expectations for. How accurate are the assumptions you have made about this person's feelings and behaviors? Can you see that many of your expectations of them really revolve around you and your own feelings, beliefs, hopes, needs, and desires related to the relationship? That these things have been projected onto them? Have you tuned out obvious clues to their authentic personality?
Of course, looking at relationships with others in a more truthful light might reveal a need for making some changes within them, and it can be in human nature to fear and resist change. It usually seems safer and easier to stay in the secure cocoon of our fantasies. But if we remain there we are GUARANTEEING ourselves more pain from the inevitable let downs of unmet expectations, as how could anyone ever live up to someone else's illusions of them?
When we choose to break the illusion and replace our assumptions and projections with a truthful evaluation, freedom from expectations is carried with it, and the opportunity to begin a more clear and honest relationship is born.
On the flip side, we might sense that we are part of other’s illusions at times, and that they have made assumptions, and projections, and have formed expectations of US. There is no way you can be true to yourself while trying to conform to someone else’s agenda of course. What could be more of a waste of your authentic self expression than spending time acting out someone else’s fantasy!
We hold some responsibility here, not to begin to conform to others manufactured images of ourselves. Sometimes we behave in ways that others think we should out of guilt, fear of not being liked, fear of abandonment (ie. the relationship ending) or uncertainty ourselves in who we really are.
Might you be contributing to the reinforcement of illusions and projections that others have related to you, that have led them to develop unrealistic expectations of you?
Be real with the people in your life. Let them know who you really are, and how you really feel. As you begin to see and accept them for who authentically they are, gently help them to see through to their own mistaken assumptions and illusory identities they have built around you, to the real you as well.
When we demonstrate the insight and courage to embrace the truth, along with finally putting an end to the pain of constantly being disappointed by unmet expectations of one another, our relationships have the opportunity to become rich in authenticity, trust, and deep emotional bonding.
Years ago, it happened to me once, but only once.(As in, I never let it happen again).
After it happened to me, my viewpoint on her was that she wasn't really who she claimed to be, and her constant desperation to declare her feelings to me was made invalid. Whatever she did have, it wasn't the courage of her convictions, or integrity. What she said wasn't what she did, so both things couldn't be true.
My viewpoint for him was he was never really a friend all along, just an opportunist. However, he got to eat his own medicine. While he briefly travelled the world, he returned to find that his girlfriend was in a committed relationship with one of -his- best friends. (Not me, another guy).
It's a shame things don't work out as they should (ok, so I'm a former romantic. It's not a crime). But then he found out about how that feels too.
She was a real family orientated type; but she got snagged by a real shady/dodgy type, who wouldn't let her or her offspring see her family. (Years after the fact, bumped into someone who told me that. It wasn't what I had wanted to hear, but that's life).
So everyone ended up unhappy. Because there are those who will heap up misery for themselves and others.
Whereever they each are now, hopefully whoever they have contact with will see them as they really are.
Maybe they've grown & changed by now, but that's for someone else to find out about. Not me.
Since then I got myself a real fine 'BS Detector', and I get better at using it, every year.
And, God promises that He's watching my back, and I believe that He is.
I still make new friends, but as soon as I figure out that they're harmful or disloyal to me in any way, they're gone.
It's been a much more peaceful and de-stressed life, I've had more to offer those who appreciate it.
I've been very happy in these years since all that happened, and I've never been happier than I am right now.
I don't like to dwell too much on the past, but, doing the mental laudry helped, and time gives a better perspective than emotion does.
And when I read your post, I didn't want you to think that you're the only person this has happened to.
So join the club! It happened to you, but you didn't do wrong. They did. You have to take responsiblity to learn from this so that no one can do it to you again; but don't let them change you, or others who would appreciate you will not benefit from what you have to offer.
"Fool me once, Shame on You!... Fool me twice, Shame on Me!"
Hang out with your friends, do fun things. Go to concerts, and watch a lot of comedy.
"Do not arouse (stir up) or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 2:7
aria_rosePeninsule, New Brunswick Canada1,250 posts
Something I have been trying to explain to someone for some time but they still insist on having their own expectations without realizing.
That is why I feel that I am not ready to give myself 100% to this person. I feel that if this person does not understand this crucial part of relationship it will definitely not survive.
I think freedom is the most important part for someone to survive...sort of saying being alone without feeling lonely...
Anyways...even if I feel this relationship may end anytime...I cannot assume that it will as he has been able to make some very good understanding of himself. He is willing to try and be open.
He had made himself an image of a relationship that even hadn't yet started.
I have a theory.....theory of the system of life and the design...
created life starts out on a journey coming from simple to higher...autmatically..... not based on karma or rewards or punishments....animal stage of life has the ingredient of greed and selfishness to get what is needed because they can't see a better way.... when animals go up to the highest animal grade and then flip over as humans the first few grades of humans has similar ingredients of selfishness and greed because they still are not higher enough to see better ways to get what is needed....
when animals kills weaker animals is that greed and selfishness??? yes.. and it is natural for a good reason....the lower grade levels of life can work only with greed and selfishness until they come up the ladder to higher grades where they can see better ways to get real happiness.
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My question to all of you is why do people pretend they're in love and cheat like this and how can I make sure this kind of thing never happens to me again?
Thanks,
-- Ben