Grief ( Archived) (5)

I can still hear your voice, all your expressions, that particular way you smiled when you spoke, your eyes???? what can I say, you'd get lost in them, I know I did, anytime I was lucky enough to look into them, I loved you so much, and I pushed you awy, you said it to me once, you said "jan, you have a man that loves you, why are you so insecure"??, I guess I always thought of how our love affair began, he was my boyfriend, I was 18, you were his friend, we didn't mean to feel anything, we did nothing, we were friends, I was always there for you, it was all I could do, we did was right,I'd get lost in your eyes but I'd look away, how many years did we pretend????, 1 day it became real, but you were locked away, and I visited and I visited and I loved you and I knes deep inside you you were a good man you never had a chance growing up, and I asked the judge to give you a chance and I believed in you, and before you ever got I became the insecure woman again, insecure of your love, of our past, we parted, you got out, you called, I ran you from the door, I'd put on weight, I didn't want you to see, how pathetic is that????, you asked for my number, I had changed it....I was on a cloud of I don't know what, thinkingwhen you saw me again I'd be looking out of this world, I kept pplaying my game.....and you were right my lovely John...my insecurities would ruin things, you died Christmas Day 2011, I will love you forever, all the times I pushed you away, all the times I got insecure, you have taught me something, don't be afraid to love, or be who I am, stop being suspicious and doing other peoples thinking......I'm gona try Johnm, I promise. I love you , I realy do........Your not my soulmate anymoreJ, your my angel..........Goodbye John....xxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Jan, You a very brave young lady to say this, especially in public. I think you have a very lovely future waiting before you.

I hope you take it in and live it to it's fullest.



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