dead relationship? (45)
Malikanorth west uk, Majjistral Malta6 Threads 42 Postswhat do you think of people who stay in a long dead relationship?
That they re affraid to be alone, have low self-confidence and are affraid of changes.
Or are just not willing to let go the perfect image that did not come true..
Or are just not willing to let go the perfect image that did not come true..
I aggree with rachel that they are scared to be alone.One day they will look back and see that they have wasted a whole lifetime and start blaming everyone but themselves.(children ,parnter ,parents).
Part of my idiot self would say that these people are the clingy, eternal, hopeful romantics who have no confidence in themselves and are oblivious of their abilities and can’t come to terms with the fact that what they had hoped for is no longer attainable.
My other idiot part would say that it takes strength of character to acknowledge the fact that a relationship is a dead-end, it is time to chalk it up as experience gained and move on. But moving on isn’t always as easy as it sounds – too many factors could come into play.
My other idiot part would say that it takes strength of character to acknowledge the fact that a relationship is a dead-end, it is time to chalk it up as experience gained and move on. But moving on isn’t always as easy as it sounds – too many factors could come into play.
Very true not always easy.One of the main reasons being financial and one depending financialy from another then they are stuck and there is no way leaving that relationship.
I believe Woofy and Sunshine have about got the right answers...
At the same time, I would say that some people are just plain old-fashioned Loyal? ... and unless they get shoved out, they will not take off on their own.
People build their lives with another person, their lives are inter-woven, financially, emotionally, and maybe they have small children too.... so they just hang in and hope somehow that things will come right. Of course nothing comes right....and eventually they become immune to each other and continue in their bitter relationship, ignoring their hurts and building a veneer over their feelings. This is the part where fear for the future comes into the picture.... to be alone "out there".
There is a Thread somewhere here where someone asks if being on an Internet Date Site is because we have become too "picky" about choosing a partner? I would say that in a settled relationship, the "pickyness" comes in more....at the time when one person decides their mate is no longer "good enough" for them...and they want more than what they have.
At the same time, I would say that some people are just plain old-fashioned Loyal? ... and unless they get shoved out, they will not take off on their own.
People build their lives with another person, their lives are inter-woven, financially, emotionally, and maybe they have small children too.... so they just hang in and hope somehow that things will come right. Of course nothing comes right....and eventually they become immune to each other and continue in their bitter relationship, ignoring their hurts and building a veneer over their feelings. This is the part where fear for the future comes into the picture.... to be alone "out there".
There is a Thread somewhere here where someone asks if being on an Internet Date Site is because we have become too "picky" about choosing a partner? I would say that in a settled relationship, the "pickyness" comes in more....at the time when one person decides their mate is no longer "good enough" for them...and they want more than what they have.
Well commented by all the contributors. The financial side is not as relevant as it used to be, but the question of children is a major issue.
I don't agree with the last sentence by Smoky though.
I think it is not we who become picky and want something better than what we got. It is that time changes our partner so much in character and in external appearance and in interactive behaviour, that we do not seem to relate any more to the person we got married many years previously.
One has to add that with the ever increasing opportunity to find a better partner before it becomes too late, people harbour the illusion that changing means bettering. But this is not always the case. These people never stop to think the tears they leave behind them.
Still if a couple are not happy together, what is the use of staying together? Taking a chance could seriously better their life and give it new meaning.
I don't agree with the last sentence by Smoky though.
I think it is not we who become picky and want something better than what we got. It is that time changes our partner so much in character and in external appearance and in interactive behaviour, that we do not seem to relate any more to the person we got married many years previously.
One has to add that with the ever increasing opportunity to find a better partner before it becomes too late, people harbour the illusion that changing means bettering. But this is not always the case. These people never stop to think the tears they leave behind them.
Still if a couple are not happy together, what is the use of staying together? Taking a chance could seriously better their life and give it new meaning.
Many people stay at jobs they don't like . A relationship is much much more complicated than a job and keeping it going may have many many reasons and advantages as well as disadvantages . It is an individual choice .
Appreciated Yammers.
But going where exactly?
But going where exactly?
Now this is a real good toppic for connecting singles 
the posts where all very good, thanks to all contributers
well thought and expressed..
May I just ask, what can we do as singles now, since we are here not only because we love to be single ?
Are we still willing to take the risk to fail.. or are we so cautiously after minutiousely searching the blueprint in our brain to tells us what it takes not to fail again..?
Are we like burned children now .. allways on the watch for signs to tell us "not to get hurt again" ? Do we have realy so many regrets? Are we really looking to share - or tending to impose our life onto others.. there are so many differences of course, but at least its important to ask also what other wants out of life and how to share and contribute to the others lifes without supposing or imposing. But its more difficult I guess .. when you are in love you dont reason that way..damn hormons
the posts where all very good, thanks to all contributers
well thought and expressed.. May I just ask, what can we do as singles now, since we are here not only because we love to be single ?
Are we still willing to take the risk to fail.. or are we so cautiously after minutiousely searching the blueprint in our brain to tells us what it takes not to fail again..?
Are we like burned children now .. allways on the watch for signs to tell us "not to get hurt again" ? Do we have realy so many regrets? Are we really looking to share - or tending to impose our life onto others.. there are so many differences of course, but at least its important to ask also what other wants out of life and how to share and contribute to the others lifes without supposing or imposing. But its more difficult I guess .. when you are in love you dont reason that way..damn hormons
Now that we are singles again, we tend to think that we lost everything. But it is not true. We still carry with us our experience. We must be very careful not to make the same mistakes again. They say it is human to err, but diabolical to persist in error.
No we do not have to act like burnt children. That only happens if we do not have any faith in ourselves, but we must always remember that there is a reason behind everything, and we should start by analysing what has gone wrong from our part in our previous relationship, before blaming others for bringing it down upon us.
We all know what we want out of life. We do not need to ask ourselves what we want all the time. It may change a little with time, but our goal is set before not after the disaster of our breakup. The goal is still the same. Persisting in getting it however is the key to its success. Giving up is reassured failure.
One other thing we have to be careful in not overdoing is being too choosy. The beauty of people often lies within, although external appearances help. So dumping someone who is short, or with a full figure does not really contribute to our happiness. One may find that ideal person when it is too late in life if ever.
No we do not have to act like burnt children. That only happens if we do not have any faith in ourselves, but we must always remember that there is a reason behind everything, and we should start by analysing what has gone wrong from our part in our previous relationship, before blaming others for bringing it down upon us.
We all know what we want out of life. We do not need to ask ourselves what we want all the time. It may change a little with time, but our goal is set before not after the disaster of our breakup. The goal is still the same. Persisting in getting it however is the key to its success. Giving up is reassured failure.
One other thing we have to be careful in not overdoing is being too choosy. The beauty of people often lies within, although external appearances help. So dumping someone who is short, or with a full figure does not really contribute to our happiness. One may find that ideal person when it is too late in life if ever.
Hi High , I think you have started your own new subject within a subject . I agree that major failures effects us deeply , specially in a relationship . But people are not alike , break-ups are not the same so individuals have to deal with different things in different ways suitable for them . Are you afraid to start again ? I am . Start a new post and we will discuss it there .. that is if you like .
thank you all for such deep insightful postings.
the reason I ask is because i feel guilty about the breakup of my family, it is I who just doesn`t feel the same about the man i met when i was 21 (15 yrs ago) the thought of spending more of my life with this person made me deeply sad, he is a good man and never did me any wrong expect, never show me love, or at least i never felt loved, and i feel like i have been so selfish for the pain i caused. I sometimes wonder how long I have to hold everything together for everyone elses sake, or should i just not be thinking like that?
and just get back into my marriage and see it through like my vows said to? or am i just thinking there is a life for me out there? and there realy isnt any better than what i had?
ps sorry to go on
the reason I ask is because i feel guilty about the breakup of my family, it is I who just doesn`t feel the same about the man i met when i was 21 (15 yrs ago) the thought of spending more of my life with this person made me deeply sad, he is a good man and never did me any wrong expect, never show me love, or at least i never felt loved, and i feel like i have been so selfish for the pain i caused. I sometimes wonder how long I have to hold everything together for everyone elses sake, or should i just not be thinking like that?
and just get back into my marriage and see it through like my vows said to? or am i just thinking there is a life for me out there? and there realy isnt any better than what i had?
ps sorry to go on
Ah lady, it is NOT a stone cold dead relationship after all.
However you go from past tense to present tense in your post and that derails me somewhat.
Del Amitri say it is hard to say you love someone and it is hard to say you don’t.
If there still is a flicker of hope to salvage a relationship then just give it a try. You say you do not feel the same yet you wonder whether you could rekindle your relationship. Just give it a try - or else just wonder at what it might have been. Even if it does not pan out you would have given it your best shot.
Another thing, in a relationship nobody should take either side for granted. Sometimes you have to point out things, lay it on the line so to speak. It will be of no real help telling us people who you don’t know while you could take the matter up with the person you have known for 15 years.
Personal opinion and I stand to be corrected obviously.
Best of luck in whatever you do or think of doing.
However you go from past tense to present tense in your post and that derails me somewhat.
Del Amitri say it is hard to say you love someone and it is hard to say you don’t.
If there still is a flicker of hope to salvage a relationship then just give it a try. You say you do not feel the same yet you wonder whether you could rekindle your relationship. Just give it a try - or else just wonder at what it might have been. Even if it does not pan out you would have given it your best shot.
Another thing, in a relationship nobody should take either side for granted. Sometimes you have to point out things, lay it on the line so to speak. It will be of no real help telling us people who you don’t know while you could take the matter up with the person you have known for 15 years.
Personal opinion and I stand to be corrected obviously.
Best of luck in whatever you do or think of doing.
Sorry Killingtime... I called you Wooffy by mistake!!
Pertinent to what you said....about people changing... Yes I do agree and think that is one of the reasons for disgruntlement in relationships.
I notice so many young, especially the females, that once they are married, and usually after having children, they just seem to let themselves go to pieces, getting fat, slobby, out of shape, drab and uninteresting.... and then expect their menfolk to have to put up with their Whale-like appearance!.... because if the husband doesnt like it, well... he can just forfeit his children, his home, and spend the rest of his life paying alimony and child maintenance... 
Pertinent to what you said....about people changing... Yes I do agree and think that is one of the reasons for disgruntlement in relationships.
I notice so many young, especially the females, that once they are married, and usually after having children, they just seem to let themselves go to pieces, getting fat, slobby, out of shape, drab and uninteresting.... and then expect their menfolk to have to put up with their Whale-like appearance!.... because if the husband doesnt like it, well... he can just forfeit his children, his home, and spend the rest of his life paying alimony and child maintenance...
I understand that a divorce is almost impossible in Malta ' A point of information for those who did not know ' . Going back is a two way thing . You can't take it for granted that he will have you back . Even if you get back together the issue of who you were with or he was with during your separation will come up . It is a whole lot more complicated now . I am not sure if you have children . It will be devastating for them to have to go through it all again . It is good that you are talking about your thoughts and feelings but you should have talked to the person whom you live with and explain to them that they need to acknowledge you . You need to think very very hard before making a move . Speak to someone whom is near and can give you independent advice . Be aware that you can all get hurt real bad if U make the wrong decision .
i think basically what im trying to say is do i give up any chance of happiness for the sake of my family/marriage??
no i haven`t let myself go
i know you shouldn`t stay together for the children but thats easier said than done.
yes i know he would have me back. he is the one that is making me feel guilty.
we are not legally separated yet.
yes i have tried every angle possible.
yes i have asked for what i want form a relationship.
i live in the uk not Malta.
i just dont know the guy i got married to anymore and feel empty. so do i go back to square one and continue my life as it was or move on.
ie< do i stay in a dead relationship?
no i haven`t let myself go
i know you shouldn`t stay together for the children but thats easier said than done.
yes i know he would have me back. he is the one that is making me feel guilty.
we are not legally separated yet.
yes i have tried every angle possible.
yes i have asked for what i want form a relationship.
i live in the uk not Malta.
i just dont know the guy i got married to anymore and feel empty. so do i go back to square one and continue my life as it was or move on.
ie< do i stay in a dead relationship?
Maybe thay are too afraid to be all alone 
Oh, you’ve dropped us right in it.
I’m the one who’ll lose charisma points then…here goes nothing.
Lady, what is it that YOU want? Are you seeking re-assurance from us?
This place is for connecting singles not breaking up relationships (although your profile does say “separated”). Do you want us to carry the burden of your complete marriage bust-up?
You’ve thought about it and tried EVERY angle: then you’ve done all you could.
==========
“i think basically what im trying to say is do i give up any chance of happiness for the sake of my family/marriage??”
=====
If your family and marriage/relationship aren’t/weren’t giving you the happiness you seek then I’m afraid it is time to make that hard choice and move on.
You seem to have made up half of your mind anyway otherwise you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
The more you drive over a dead animal the flatter it gets.
Apologies to those offended.
I’m the one who’ll lose charisma points then…here goes nothing.
Lady, what is it that YOU want? Are you seeking re-assurance from us?
This place is for connecting singles not breaking up relationships (although your profile does say “separated”). Do you want us to carry the burden of your complete marriage bust-up?
You’ve thought about it and tried EVERY angle: then you’ve done all you could.
==========
“i think basically what im trying to say is do i give up any chance of happiness for the sake of my family/marriage??”
=====
If your family and marriage/relationship aren’t/weren’t giving you the happiness you seek then I’m afraid it is time to make that hard choice and move on.
You seem to have made up half of your mind anyway otherwise you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
The more you drive over a dead animal the flatter it gets.
Apologies to those offended.
thank you for your honest answer
yes we are separated, though not legally, there was no tick box for "finished, but your husband is using emotional blackmail"
deep down i know what i should do, i think i must be making it harder on him because im still around but i wanted it to be amicable for the sake of the kids.
thanks for letting me say out aloud.
yes we are separated, though not legally, there was no tick box for "finished, but your husband is using emotional blackmail"
deep down i know what i should do, i think i must be making it harder on him because im still around but i wanted it to be amicable for the sake of the kids.
thanks for letting me say out aloud.
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