From Texas with Love. ( Archived) (13)

A rancher buddy sent this to me, and I felt I'd share.

Good Ole Texas

Texans needn't fear O'Sammy Been Lodding or Sodamn Insane. Shucks, they ain't nothing. As a Texan for more than 60 years and an honorably discharged veteran, I'm getting a big laugh over the statements of O'Sammy Been Lodding, Sadam, the Taliban, our politicians and the media.

They talk of what to expect from terrorists, but we Texans have lived with greater dangers for years and survived. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a Texas tornado that levels homes and peels up the asphalt on the roads. How about hailstones as big as soft balls, or a blue norther that drops the temperature 40 degrees in minutes?

O'Sammy has probably seen 100-plus-degree summers in Afghanistan, but I bet he doesn't have fire ants.

He and his buddies talk about the pain and suffering they're going to inflict upon us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green-broke, 2-year-old colt in the dead of winter.

You've heard of anthrax. I've been around cattle for years and have never seen a case, but I have seen "mad cow disease." Every old mama cow that we worked, and separated from her calf, got mad.

They talk of germ warfare.. Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lymes disease, and our mosquitoes seem to be direct descendants of woodpeckers.

We have blister beetles that can kill! your horse and green bugs that will destroy a wheat crop . West Texas prairie dogs carry the plague, our armadillos carry leprosy, and skunks carry rabies. Maybe we should send over a few of our varmints and show the Taliban what the word terror really means.

Texas has goat-heads, cactus, mesquite, honey locust thorns, bull nettle and poison ivy. Everything that grows in our pastures will either stick you or stab you. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a cottonmouth water moccasin, a diamondback rattler or a copperhead. We have squadrons of yellow jackets and bumblebee bombers. Have you ever stepped on a Texas scorpion in your bare feet?

O'Sammy talks of gas and biological warfare. He has never pulled in behind a cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the cab of a pickup truck between two other cowboys after they've! just eaten a big bowl of Texas red.

No, O'Sammy, you and all your buddies can't terrorize Texas or Texans.

If you think you can, come on over. You will find out right quick why we buy U.S. tools made by Ruger, Colt, Remington and Smith & Wesson. We load them with U. S. products made by Winchester, Remington, Speer and Federal. We use these tools on varmints; and for protection.

We also buy US tools made by Case, Buck and Schrade. We use these tools to change ornery bulls into calm steers and rank studs into gentle geldings.

We call this an "attitude adjustment." We have an abundance of good tools in Texas, and we know how to use them.


Texans, and my kinfolk have dealt with your kind for hundreds of years.

The fact that I'm here tells me that we can survive. We have posted signs all over the state that say,
"Don't Mess With Texas" - Consider yourself warned!

O'Sammy Been Lodding- i love it

When you're from Texas, people who you meet ask you
questions like, "Do you have any cows?"
It's nice to be able to say yes.
They ask you, "Do you have horses?"
Yup.
Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?
Of course.
They all want to know if you've been to Southfork.
They watched Dallas. Have you ever looked at a map of
the world? Why sure you have. Look at Texas for me
just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle
and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio
Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will
be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at
it, they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid
off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of
Texas in the dirt, and he'll know what it is.What
happens if I show you a picture of any other state?
You'll get it maybe after a second, but who else
would? Even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings
in you?

In every man, woman and child on this little rock the
Good Lord put us on, there is somewhere in them a
person who wishes just once he could be a real live
Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. Did
you ever hear anyone in a restaurant go, "Wow... so
you're from Ok-la-homa. Cool. Tell me about it"?
There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Do you know
why? Because Texas is Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a
church, facing thousands of Mexican soldiers, fighting
for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save
themselves but stayed. We send our kids to schools
named William B. Travis and Bowie, and do you know
why? Because those men saw a line in the sand, and
they decided to be heroes. John
Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is Texas.
Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San
Jacinto. Texas is Texas Independence Day and
Juneteenth. Texas is huge forests of piney woods like
the Davy Crockett National Forest. Texas is
breathtaking mountains in Big Bend. Texas is shiny
skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas. Texas is oak and
cedar trees, cactus, Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush
in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. Texas is world
record bass from places like Lake Fork. Texas is
Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico.
Texas is larger-than-life legends like Earl Campbell
and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey,
Lyndon Johnson, George Bush, and George W. Bush,
Willie Nelson and Buddy Holly. Texas is great
companies like Dell Computer and Compaq. Texas is huge
herds of cattle and miles of crops. Texas is skies
blackened with doves and leases full of deer. Texas is
the best Bar-b-que anywhere. Texas is a place where
cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday Night
Football and the streets are deserted during church.

Texas is beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains
and prairies.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S.
that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S.
flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars
and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, or California, or
Maine, and your state flag goes at 17. You fly the
Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in
Longview, Texas, at 20 feet, and the Lone Star flies
at 20 feet. Our capitol is the only one in the country
that is taller than the capitol building in D.C. We
signed those in as part of the deal when we came
on. Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas.

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

That was awesome!!! makes me miss home!!!!!!!!


HOOK EM HORNS

I do buy my girl (when I have one ) nice ligerie, but nothing takes care of me like seeing her in one of my dress shirts...and nothing else.

Ever notice how in Texan jokes the Texan is tossed in with people from other countries, or Yankees? EVERYONE realizes we truly are our own country down here, except the American government who can't survive with out us.

REPUBLIC OF TEXAS!

****

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

Things you're not likely to hear a Texan say...ever....no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered.

"Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only eighteen."

Duct tape won't fix that.

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

You can't feed that to the dog.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart/ the feed store/ the parts store today.

No steak for me, Dr's orders.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

She's too young to be wearing a bikini. {Unless it's their own daughter.}

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Dukes of Hazard" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. {Again, unless she's your daughter.}