Christmas cheer (5)

Signs You're Caught Up In The Holiday Shopping Frenzy
* Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.

* You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.

* You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.

* At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!

* Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.

* The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.

* On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.

* In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.

* Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheeto's bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures.

* The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.

* Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.

* Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"

* Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.

* You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys 'R' Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, "Wanna trade Furbies?"

Home For The Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

Good Christmas poem. keep them coming