Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his Baton and Stun Gun.
Officer 2: could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the Boot of your car.
The woman opens the Boot, revealing nothing but an empty Boot.
Officer 2: Is this your car Miss?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her handbag and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you miss, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just bankrupt and you could surely use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If a company calls trying to get you to sign up for a Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Cold caller gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Cold caller that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Cold caller, put the fone down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Cold caller you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on a strict curfew and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the cold caller, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your Ole wan?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
well u would have to think about her kids, imagine a person is in their lives for a year and a half, (bearing in mind they were 3 and 4 year olds) and then suddenly u break u with their mam, That has to have an effect on the kids
I went out with a single mum with 2 kids before and they started calling me daddy, I suppose i didnt mind but i told them they new who their daddy was, Amyway relationship broke up not because of her kids at all,
In fact i miss her kids more than i would miss her
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not.)
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
1. Money isn't made out of paper,it's made out of cotton.
2. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle"
3. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
4. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (This is frightening).
9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear trunks.
14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
16. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ...hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).
22. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for Vehicles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the veggie store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her Boyfriend. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's Boyfriend said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
Bellysgonnagetya Forum Posts (1,267)
anybody tried.......
Si senior she speaket the truthNo need for colonic irrigation when u got Bulmers Pear