Grumpywriter Blog

GRUMP TIME - Copy/Paste News

It's interesting to see how news providers are nowadays filling their column inches, or whatever the monitor, tablet or smartphone equivalent is - column pixels perhaps?

Once, if you wanted to copy someone’s work, you had to painstakingly rewrite the text, or at least Xerox countless pages from their book. Today Reuters can quote BBC Radio, the BBC can source Sky News, Sky can link to the New York Times and NYT can state that the information originated on the Reuters website.

The information had to come from somewhere, but it would seem that by this constant referral and linking to original articles (which in turn are linking to ‘alternate’ originals), copy is conjured out of thin air. Is it some big journalistic conspiracy or should we look further afield?

Maybe Doctor Who, Marty McFly or Bill and Ted are responsible for the appearance of these miracle stories. Surely, time travel has to figure somewhere!

Whatever the reason, it does mean that the consumer is increasingly subject to a standardisation of style, a watering down of words that can only be detrimental to both the reader and the supplier. After all, if the Daily Blurb, Radio Local and the 10 O’Clock News are all presenting the same events in a similar fashion, how are we to distinguish one corporate identity from another?

Whilst we may disagree with the political bias of one media channel or the sensationalism or another, it is these very differences that engage us, promote debate and give us a range of viewpoints and opinions that aid us in forming our own.

However, from blogs and tweets, right up to international information suppliers, the mindless sharing of regurgitated copy means that we no longer need to spend any time thinking about the news. Instead, we can focus on cute videos of cats and publicly criticising our friends’ life choices.

Oh, for the days of photocopying textbooks at the back of the library!

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May 2017
in Lifestyle
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A typical CS Hour...

Scream for no reason, ~~slander~~ libel, shout, fick, feck, fock, fack, blame, lie, pout. Mispel, bs, shout some more, annoy, criticise, blame the new world order. Defend my obvious garbage, b1tch, accuse, display total ignorance, suck up, copy/paste to prove a point I know nothing about, snide, Yay Trump, nay Trump, talk crap but add

, because nobody else will laugh. Photoshop my 10 year old pic, invent an interesting life, flirt, dirt, skirt, hurt, swear again. Blame Putin, blame Obama, blame Jeshamud, be fake insulted, flame, troll, rant, boobies, indulge f*ckwits. Scam, spam, slam, this ism, that ism, end of the world.

...Bobin's An*l Thread

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May 2017
in Comedy
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WRITING - Know Your Environment

Most authors have the core, the kernel of their idea. It may be the climax of the trilogy - The Federation regains control of the shipping lanes and can continue trading - or it may be the central theme - Redhead women in New York are being attacked, and the assailant keeps their left sock - but whatever the premise of the story, the writer has a starting point. I doubt if any successful first novel came from someone thinking 'I'm gonna write a financial crime thriller'. You need an idea, at least.

J.K. Rowling knew how her seven book series would end and, with a few minor adjustments, it remained that way. In 1874, Lewis Carroll's 'starting point' was in fact, the ending of a nonsense poem "For the Snark was a Boojum, you see" and he spent the next two years writing the world's longest nonsense poem to 'explain' this single sentence.

I find that it's often a good idea to jot down some basic concepts before I start. However, I also find that I can get bogged down in the minutiae of it all, focusing on so trivial things, that I cannot see the woods for the trees. It's a bad habit, one that I have repeatedly pledged to discard... right before I spend three hours on my blog site, changing and amending the theme, or get sidetracked into creating an excel that will calculate tax on your salary in five different jurisdictions.

I guess I will never learn!

That said, I have a multitude of 'fantastic' ideas, but the vast majority of them are discarded. Some, because they are close to existing books, others because they don't have the mileage and even a few that, whilst I believe in the plot, I know my own abilities - know that I cannot write it in a way that would give it justice.

Attachments is such a plot. It's a near future crime thriller in which the bad guys are defrauding people by...

Ah! Now that's the problem isn't it? I know I cannot write it. I don't have the ability, but I'm hardly going to give it away. You're going to have to find your own Boojum.

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May 2017
in Art
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WRITING - Cover Letters

We all know that, for several reasons, you're supposed to tailor your cover letter to suit the job for which you're applying. A generic 'cover-all' letter is easily spotted by those who deal with incoming applications, even one that drops in the company's name in a 'strategic location'.

And, let's be honest, we have all had our fill of those 'dynamic and resourceful', 'hard working team players' and those who profess to be able to 'think outside of the box'.

Well, if you can 'think out of the box', why is your cover letter a carbon copy of dozens of others than landed in my inbox? Why didn't you take this opportunity to show me how far out of that box your thinking processes can take you?

But there's a fine line, isn't there? How far should you go with your personalisation and presentation of your true self?

Surely, your cover letter for a position as CFO of Simpsin, & Simpson - Lawyers since 1807, should read (and feel) completely different to the letter for CFO of DynaGame Solutions - Social Gaming for Teens.

Dear Mr Jenkins,
I wish to be considered for the position of Lion Tamer as advertised on your recent LinkedIn post.

As you can see by my attached CV, I have had extensive experience in feline mastery, including three years as Head Tamer at Bloggins Circus.

I hope to hear from you soon,

Yours sincerely,
GrumpyBum.

It's a perfectly acceptably 'standard' cover letter. But, with a role like this, could you, should you go further? Is this the moment to stand out and shine? Do you display your individuality and unique character here?

Dear Mr Jenkins,

Have no fear! My whip and chair are here at the ready, and I can assure you that your taming issues are solved. You can read all the 'blah-blah' about my experience in the attached CV. Better still, feed it to the lions and let me come along and show you how I interact with them, how I can work a crowd and how I still have 10 fingers and 4 limbs. I even have my own top hat!

I must dash, there are a few loose leopards in the street that require my attention...

Have a whip-crackingly fantastic day,
GrumpyBum

OK, you're sure to grab someone's (hopefully Mr Jenkins) attention, but you also risk being dismissed as a complete nutter?

So tell me, how far should you go? In what situations should you, not just say, but be more dynamic and when should you risk the chance of losing a position by sharing your true self in your cover letter?

I'd like to hear your opinions. In the meantime, please excuse me, I have a temperamental tiger to deal with...

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May 2017
in Art
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Florida - the Keys to happiness

Say what you like about keys or keys. The only keys are the keys, right?

If you don't agree, then keys my arse!

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May 2017
in Comedy
664 views
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WRITING - Another Author Illness - Blind Publisher Syndrome

You know the drill.

You've completed your masterpiece and convinced yourself that it's the next best seller. Yet those blinkered literary agents and publishers cannot see your brilliance. They are too narrow-minded, too scared to take a leap of faith and far too worried about their bottom line to invest in your future classic. Blind Publisher Syndrome lurks its evil head again.

You have put months of effort into your work - years maybe. Your very soul is in this killer read. It means everything to you. Why can't they see that?

DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!

But wait! Ask yourself the following:
• When you go to the dentist, and you are told you need a tooth extracted, do you believe him?
• When your car is playing up and the mechanic informs you that you need a new 'oogleflugle' (well, that's what I hear), do you tell him he is incorrect?
• When you visit the doctor for a routine check-up and she informs you that your blood pressure is a little high, do you let her know that her opinion is a 'crock of...' whatever?

Not too often, I bet.

Maybe, you are unsure and wait a while until your tooth really starts hurting, maybe you ask another mechanic to look at your car, or maybe you get a second opinion from another doctor - after all, it is your health we're talking about here! But ultimately, you tend to accept the advice of the professional.

So tell me something. Why, when you've sent your valuable MSS to a dozen literary agents or publishers, do you scream about their tunnel vision, their myopic views and their inability to 'get it'? You've had a second opinion - hell, you've had eleven of them!

These people know their job. If they didn't they'd be out of work. They know the commercial value of your work and, most importantly, they are tough enough and detached enough to be able to inform you (politely, of course) that your life's work is, at best, not right for them and, at worst, way past Yawnsville and on the main highway to the beautiful coastal town of Suckington-by-the-Sea.

Blind Publisher Syndrome is, in the vast majority of cases, a writer's condition and not one that afflicts agents and publishing houses. However, there is a cure. It's not a simple one, but it works. It's called 'honesty'. It is the hardest, but in some ways the most important skill you need as a writer: Honesty about your own finished product, your own ability, your own myopic view about the 120,000 word pile of landfill on the table in front of you.

It's a hard ability to learn, but one that’s very important for your literary career because, if you cannot learn this skill, you're doomed to hawking your crisp, double spaced, 80gsm toilet paper around for another few years.

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May 2017
in Art
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WRITING - The problem is that you're too close...

"Look!" said Edward, pointing through the grimy veranda window at the distant hills. "The sun is shining again."

The End

That's it! You have finished your magnum opus, pushed your chair back in smug satisfaction and, hands interlocked behind your head, closed your eyes and sighed contentedly.

Congratulations!

However, whatever you're writing, however many words have emanated from your fingertips, you're not finished yet!

Look, I'm sure you've read and reread it countless times. I'll bet that you've rectified many grammatical errors and revamped a number of weaker passages. That's great! But I can also guarantee that, no matter how many times you've checked it, your masterpiece still contains errors, inconsistencies and continuity issues.
Please don't be annoyed by what I say. It is not an attack on your ability, but a simple matter of fact. Why? Because you're not an editor or proofreader - you're a writer!

In the same way that an actor is only the face of the film, needing directors, producers, foley artists, grips, best boys and so much more to achieve their 'effortless' portrayal, a writer needs to have their work professionally proofread. Our job is to write, to get the narrative down, to give the characters the colour and interest and to join the dots between the plot points. It is the job of proofreaders and editors to make the necessary adjustments and to give it that final polish. That is their job, their expertise, and part of the reason why a publishing house takes a handsome percentage. This is especially true for self publishers. If you are the only one who has read your work, no matter how much you have checked it, you will be wasting time, effort and money by publishing it without investing in someone to proof it.

Initially, you can give people you trust have a copy of your work. Let them read, critique and aid you in the process. Just be sure to use friends and family whom you trust, and not sycophants who will just tell you how wonderful you are. Now is not the time for high praise and ego boosting. Leave that for your book signings.

Of course, you cannot hand in a pile of rubbish to your copy editor. Unedited, uncoordinated, unreadable waffle will simply be discarded - and you usually get just one shot at this. You are expected to have a slightly more than rudimentary understanding of grammar, style and spelling - these are your tools after all - but many established writers hand in their manuscripts knowing that there will probably be a handful inconsistencies and errors. As long as your work is not riddled with problems, you should be fine.

Even if you are also an editor or proofreader - you're too close to your own work. Because you understand the meaning of certain phrases or interactions and because you have read the passages countless times, you become blind to the words and, without even realising, can end up skimming things that you fully intended to analyse in detail. Even this post will probably contain elements I should change. I have skimmed through it three times, but feel free to share them below. :)

Don't be annoyed when people point out these errors. Thank them instead. You're a writer and, by pointing out your errors, they are helping you to improve your skills.

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May 2017
in Art
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WRITING - Blank Screen Syndrome

Blank Screen Syndrome (now 'officially' known as BSS - I am determined to leave a legacy of some kind) is a terrible affliction and can affect anybody at any time in their writing career.

You sit, staring at the monitor, finding excuses to do anything other than the task at hand - writing. The monitor stares back at you. Devouring you slowly in a subtle, unnoticed fashion. At first, it gently mocks you. "See me?" it says. "I'm going to remain blank for the whole afternoon, and there is nothing you can do."

You may disagree. You may decide to prove it wrong by typing 'asdasdasd' on the top line. But it knows that, after a few minutes, you'll be slowly backspacing that literary placebo into non-existence. Asdasdasd is simply the homeopathy of the writing world.

Your BSS grows as the monitor whispers in your ear. taking control of, and augmenting the writing demons you already carried inside you.

"Look to your right. Do you see how fine the weather is?"
"Your phone hasn't pinged, but check it again."
"Why don't you get up and lean on the back of the chair for a few seconds. Stare at me from a distance. That will bring you inspiration, we promise!"

You listen to the lies and allow the screen to eat you up further. Without you realising, it is dehydrating you, sucking out the water from your body through your already heavy retinas. If you listen carefully, you can faintly hear the sound of slurping above the tiny whine of your laptop's cooling fan.

Once it is had its fill, the screen will start to eat the things around you. It is particularly fond of time. Moment by moment it will gorge on your time, slurping up seconds, munching on minutes, consuming the precious hours that you had set aside for your 2,000 daily words and leaving you tired, drawn and irritable, without a single key, stroked.

There are solutions to combating BSS. Methods that will enable you to fight this curse. The simplest one? Just write something. ANYTHING!

"Kat knew she was tired. The bags under her eyes felt heavier than the four, overstuffed plastic sacks
that she hauled slowly to the bus station."

It may not be good. It may sound like a rejected line from a questionable 1950s detective novel, and you will certainly amend, or even delete it later, but now you have a seed.

What did Kat buy? Has she just come from work or is it the weekend? Morning or evening? Does she love shopping or is it a necessary chore? Did she buy for a family? Her cats? Or does she live alone and has stocked up on chocolate, cheap ice cream and ready meals? Why is she using public transport and not her own car? Are they even bags of food?

Aha! Look at paths that you can now take in order to turn that searing blank screen into a four-percent coverage of black pixels. You have direction, some back-story, a location for the main protagonist. In short, you have won - banished those writing demons

For now...

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Apr 2017
in Art
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GRUMP TIME - Just because you can...

Remember the days when you used to sit in a friend’s car on a wet Sunday afternoon, waving a cheap transistor radio around, poking other passengers in the eye with the aerial as you tried to hunt down the best signal so you can all listen to ‘the game’?

What about more recently, when you'd struggle with those tiny televisions, again, playing rotating and contorting yourself in order to see the movie you'd been banned from watching - often in bed, under the covers and long after you’re supposed to be asleep?

Technology is meant to be progressive, yet you're still watching a (possibly illegally) downloaded copy of a blockbuster movie, designed to be watched on a wall the size of the Hoover Dam, on a smartphone with a screen the size of a Post-It note.

There are apps for so many things - too many things in my view - which we get wrapped up in what we can do with our device:

• I can use it instead of my spirit level
• I can use it instead of my egg timer
• I can calculate the azimuth of this planet, the albedo of that star whilst rating the cuteness of people’s kittens on a scale of 1 to 10
• I can turn it into a fake Star Trek Tricorder, Doctor Who’s Sonic Screwdriver or hide my ~~porn~~... erm - sensitive business documents behind a fake calculator app, even though nobody actually has access to my tablet!

So why do we (hypothetically, in my case (ehem)) do it?

Just because we can…!

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Apr 2017
in Lifestyle
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This is a list of Grumpywriter's Blogs. Click here for Grumpywriter's Blog List

Grumpywriter Blog (9)

GRUMP TIME - Copy/Paste News

A typical CS Hour...

WRITING - Know Your Environment

WRITING - Cover Letters

Florida - the Keys to happiness

WRITING - Another Author Illness - Blind Publisher Syndrome

WRITING - The problem is that you're too close...

WRITING - Blank Screen Syndrome

GRUMP TIME - Just because you can...

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